10. – You Better Axe Somebody
Ask (v.): to pose a question.
Axe (n.): a sharp metal tool used to chop wood. (v.): to hack somebody to bits using said sharp metal tool.
Please stop using your AXE to butcher the Queen’s English or I’m going to have to ASK somebody to drop some grammar school on your illiterate ASS.
9. – Dragon Breath
Did a possum crawl into your mouth while you were sleeping and die in your throat? And how come you, of all people, are always the one who has no respect for my personal space? Either excavate the dead animal or stand at least ten feet away from me at all times. (And if this describes your loved one, then for fuck’s sake and mine too, TELL THEM. It’s not MY job to inform YOUR husband/boyfriend/brother/dad that he needs to see a dentist and/or stomach doctor.)
8. – Your Own Personal Jesus
God is Santa Claus for grown-ups. Oh, sorry! Was that statement offensive? Well I find it offensive that you do favors for people as a way to build your riches in Heaven instead of being nice simply because it’s the RIGHT THING TO DO. Even worse is that you don’t practice ANYTHING you preach, the stench of hypocrisy wafting from your car windows as you dutifully speed off to Confession with your alcoholic, meth-addicted adult children in tow. Hey: the notion of mortality is terrifying for everyone, but some of us are willing to sacrifice the comfort of a hypothetical God in favor of bravely facing the unknown, using common sense to guide us instead of a book of fables written by monks. I’m not saying it’s wrong to be spiritual and attempt to connect with a power larger than yourself; however, organized religion is nothing more than a way to control the minds of the weak and keep them neatly herded like so many flocks of sheep. Believe what you want, but when you start using the name of Jesus to start wars and manipulate laws that govern ME, tolerance can go fuck itself.
7. – Bluetooth Decay
It’s jammed in there like a permanent fixture, a robot extension of your ear that diminishes your already-waning humanness. You yak away to your unseen friends all damn day long, freeing your hands to do more productive things like pick your nose and deliver my mail. It is difficult to discern whether you are schizophrenically talking to yourself or addressing ME until I see the tell-tale blinking blue light and realize it’s neither. The final straw was Valentine’s Day. While enjoying sushi, my peripheral vision began picking up on the disturbing scene taking place at the table across the way. Two of you, a man and a woman, each had your own His and Hers piece of plastic robotery wedged into your skulls, stuffing your bland faces and jabbering simultaneously – obviously not to each other. On motherfucking Valentine’s Day! None of you Bluetooth Foot Soldiers out there are important enough to be accessible twenty-four seven. Quit the act and stop polluting my airspace.
6. – Parents Behaving Badly
You resumed smoking butts the second the doctor snipped the umbilical cord (or perhaps didn’t let a little thing like pregnancy get in the way of your habit to begin with). Ashtrays spill over onto dirty coffee tables and your toddler puts fistfuls of the smoky contents into his little mouth. It’s difficult to stock up on booze with a child in tow, but you’ve mastered the art of balancing him on your hip while navigating your way around the liquor store. Can’t get a babysitter on the neighborhood bar’s dollar draft night? No problem! Park the kid on a stool and let the bartender entertain him while you shoot a few games of pool and hook up with your best friend’s ex in the bathroom. And finally, don’t let a little thing like parenthood get in the way of your nightly bong-rips, crack-tokes, and/or meth hits – you’re still human after all, and reserve the right to P-A-R-T-Y. Meanwhile, rest assured that your kid is absorbing every misstep you take and losing respect for you with every cloud of smoke you blow in his face. He will either shun your bad example and take the higher road in life, or be yet another rose that was suffocated by weeds before it had the chance to bloom.
5. – Drive Me Crazy
When I’m in the fast lane, you crawl forward at a snail’s pace and stubbornly refuse to shift into the slow lane. When I’m in the SLOW lane, you crawl up my ass instead of simply changing into the FAST lane. You won’t let me into your lane despite the turn signal I’ve been flashing for the past mile, but you have no problem cutting ME off to get into MY lane without any warning. Or how about when you absentmindedly forget that you’re supposed to stay between the two lines and nearly sideswipe the SHIT out of me as you drift into my lane? That’s a fun one. Mainly, I don’t understand why you’re so inconsiderate. The anonymity that a car provides has supplied you with a license to treat me like shit without fear of repercussions…or so it seems. I’m ordinarily a pretty nice person, but I have news for you: if one of your boner moves results in an accident that damages my car, my passenger, and/or me, only death could prevent me from beating the living shit out of you. I’ve had it.
4. – Customer Service Cunt
If you seriously hate people as much as you seem to, get another job, preferably one that does not involve human interaction. Whoever hired you expects you to provide me with a service offered by their company. Please don’t try to muster a smile – your face might break from the effort – but if I approach or call you, DO converse with me in a friendly, professional tone, if only to give the impression that you’re not going to stab me.
3. – Press One For English
You’re not even human. You are a patchwork of words and phrases and questions and refuse to let me speak to an actual person, even when I press zero. When you ask me to answer “yes or no” to one of your ten million inane queries, you often don’t understand – because you’re a fucking COMPUTER – and request that I repeat myself. I become more and more frustrated with this “interaction”, and when I’m finally transferred to a live operator, my patience is nonexistent. Even more frustrating is that the customer service rep asks me all of the same questions that YOU, the automated service, just had me answer, confirming the pointlessness of your existence. It angers me that you are steadily taking the jobs that living, breathing human beings desperately need, and will continue to do so until we are all but obsolete.
2. – Douchebag To the Nth Degree
You are the guy who wants to fuck a classy girl and never, EVER will. Why? Because the burning insecurity you hold within your chest causes you to throw your weight around like a retarded gorilla. You use things like “lack of college education” and “daddy never loved me” as excuses for having zero people skills. Instead of showing humility and kindness, you talk to people like they’re dog shit on the bottom of your boots. Truly, you’re just scared crapless of being discovered for the weak-ass pussy you really are, so you do your best to beat everyone to the punch, drowning them out with your LOUD, BOOMING VOICE and spewing the most offensive bile you can conjure up. Yes, you’re ugly, but you’ll look less-so if you wipe that shit-eating sneer off your mug and dare to be personable. If that’s too much of a challenge, then it would serve you well to stay out of my way, as I derive far too much pleasure out of bitch-slapping you down to size.
1. – Fake Plastic Trees
From tits to hair to personalities to sex, YOU, Phoniness, have invaded every area of the American life. The internet has made it even easier for you to paint your glossy veneer of bullshit all over everything and everyone. People are convinced that they need you, that they’re not good enough as they are. Disingenuous convos are a thing of the norm. No one says what they really mean, if they even know what they mean to begin with. We pretend to be the Greatest Country in the World, boasting of our freedom of speech despite the fact that EVERYTHING is censored, despite the fact that countries in Asia financially OWN our Yankee asses, despite the fact that the two wars we’re still fighting were based on the lies of our own PRESIDENT. You allow us to live in Never Never Land, covering our ears, mouths, and eyes like the deaf, dumb, and blind monkeys we’ve become. The more you shellac and photoshop and bleep us, the less we’re able to feel, and the less we feel, the more endangered our minds and hearts become.
…Plus 5 Things I Love About You
5. – Natural Instincts
I love observing wild animals. From birds to foxes to tadpoles, you function without judgment or hatred or ego. In your world, violent deaths occur out of the necessity to survive. You fly as one in an undulating V and are not even aware of the pleasure I glean from watching the perfection you are creating. You cross rivers and valleys – sometimes to your demise – because it is a constant in your life that is ingrained in your involuntary motions. You stare at me curiously from a tree branch, wondering if I mean you harm and not coming close enough to find out. I envy you sometimes, marveling at how basic your needs are and wishing humans would remember that we, too, have simple survival requirements that barely exceed those of our fellow animals.
4. – You Are My Sunshine
Cancer? Wrinkles? I don’t care. I love basking in your warm rays, bathing my skin in your golden light. If your proximity to Earth had been even slightly different, life here would not have been possible…at least, not in the way it currently is. You are our very own star, glowing reliably day after day. When you are obscured by clouds, my mood is noticeably less cheery and motivation is more difficult to come by. You have lived a life that has far surpassed mine in years and will continue to survive long after I am dead. Respect.
3. – Laugh Out Loud
Years later, these two still make me laugh.
You often result in hiccups that take me forever to get rid of, but you’re worth it. Movies, jokes, fuck-ups, and inside-jests cause you to bubble up in my throat and shake my entire body with delight. Laughter has been proven as an effective way to strengthen the immune system and rid the body of illness. Few things in life feel better than a stomach-crunching, shoulder-shaking, tear-jerking episode of laughing my ass off.
2. – The Ultimate Mind
You provide intellectual stimulation that is sorely needed in an often dumbed-down world. When I come across one of you, conversation flows like vino, never landing into the trap of uncomfortable silence. One topic morphs into another, transforming and continuing so goddamn gorgeously that I never want it to end. My mind feels like a warmed up muscle, performing at the peak of its abilities with help from my limber tongue. When we part, I feel happy and warm inside, pleased to have matched wits with another so amiably.
1. – Love
Not just the sexual kind, although you’re great, too. You, the all-encompassing Love, are what makes the world go round. With Love, anything is possible. The loneliest nights are surmountable when you are in my heart, like a flame that I cup gently in my hands and protect at all costs. You give me the strength to pursue my every passion and goal and dream, knowing that even if none of them panned out, I would still have you. Love does not always put food on the table, but you DO nourish my soul and make me feel whole, especially when I can provide you for myself.
Author: Britt Warner
