The New York Times reported today that the CERN’s Large Hadron Collider is finally up and running, doing what it was meant to do –– whipping subatomic particles into one another (like that doesn’t happen at select frat parties nationwide every Friday night). This means that scientists can finally catch a glimpse into how the earth was made; can finally simulate those first gorgeous milliseconds of magic that yielded the latte-slugging, iPod-addicted, child porn-producing utopia we now call Earth. Scientists supporting the LHC are pictured fist-pumping on the NYT homepage right this very moment (as of 1:43 p.m., EST, Tuesday, March 30, 2010), shouting something eerily simplistic like, “WE STARTED PHYSICS!”, while critics (not pictured) are fist-shaking, fearing that the LHC will only produce dark matter, which will only produce the apocalypse, and then the $10 billion spent on this subatomic Disneyland will all have been in vain.
I’m all for fun-science. Like, if anything –– or better yet –– if nothing, the LHC can at least become an ass-kicker of an interactive exhibit at a science museum somewhere. Or it can be turned into a rollercoaster. But even if it continues to work, which, let’s be honest, this isn’t an Aldous Huxley universe and it’s probably won’t, but even if it does, I still think it’s cool. We’ve spend hundreds of billions on bitchfighting with the Middle East, so what’s a cool $10 billion in the name of a much larger, much cooler and much more intense version of the 90s game Crossfire?
And the fact that some speculate it could lead to apocalypse, well, that’s just an exciting bonus feature! The LHC sort of blurs the line separating science fact from science fiction, and, in the off-chance that the particles party a little too hard and the entire Earth is eclipsed by a bellicose black hole, here are some products you may find useful to get you through the dark days ahead. Cat food is not listed, because that’s a given, you big dummy.
- At just under $20,000 bucks, you can own your very own battle tank. There won’t be many people with which to battle in post-apocalyptica, but at the very least you can blow up li’l buildings and speed on the highway without getting in trouble.
• Anything from the Balenciaga Spring 2007 line
- Most fantasy/sci-fi depictions of a post-apocalyptic futureworld feature some pretty sexy, almost couture wardrobing. Fashion meets function with protective gold metallic leggings and more zippers, layers and pockets than you’ll know what to do with. And you’ll get some dates.
- There will NOT be DQ’s left after armageddon, and space ice cream tastes like paste. This ice cream ball makes ice cream fresh, and no electricity is needed. They say survival in trying times is heavily dependent on high morale. What’ll make you happier than all-u-can-eat ice cream? And I bet you could use this for instant mashed potatoes and gazpacho too.
- You’ll need this to figure out how Earth was made, so you can make a new one. Also I think it’ll keep you warm since the sun will be gone and you’ll be freezing as hell.
