When a relationship ends, it is called a break-up. When family members cease all contact, they are dubbed “estranged”. What about the end of a friendship, though? Is there some clever pop-cultural term used to describe this phenomenon?
I have lost countless friends over the years. “Lost”. I make it sound like they all died. In a way, though, they did. When you lose the closeness, camaraderie, and luxury of confiding in a friend, it can feel like equal parts break-up, estrangement, and death rolled into one.
Friend-Ender #1: Relocation
If you’ve rarely stayed in the same place for longer than a year, it’s extremely difficult to form lasting bonds with other human beings. It is hard enough to establish a genuine friendship without adding the strain of long-distance communication. Facebook is a retardedly poor substitute for logging in actual face time. Phone calls are great for a while, but when it becomes clear that you are not returning to the locale in which you initially met and hung out, contact begins to taper off from one or both sides. It is a slow death, neither of you conceding an actual end, but clearly not willing or able to invest the effort necessary to maintain literal and figurative closeness.
Friend-Ender #2: Evolution
If we’re healthy, we grow. As a result, we often grow apart. You have lots of stuff in common with your best bud in kindergarten, such as a cubby hole, an action hero lunchbox, and a propensity for sniffing glue. Twenty years down the line, however, you’ve formed as individuals. You have moved from the jungle gym to the concrete jungle and your respective approaches to life are oh-so-telling of your vast differences as human beings. The ambitious dreamer does not understand the pragmatist’s devotion to nine-to-five hell, and vice-versa. Meeting up for coffee becomes a chore-like obligation in reverence to memories past and there is little desire to form new bonding experiences. It is terribly sad to realize that you no longer have anything in common with someone you were once emotionally intimate with. The ghosts of your former selves grow fainter by the day. You will always have love for each other and think back fondly to the fun times you shared, but the snake’s skin has been shed and the friendship is dead.
Friend-Ender #3: Relationships
Friends often take a backseat to new lovers. Many of us have been on both ends of the spectrum, where we’re either negligent or being neglected in the name of infatuation. After the initial headiness, however, one expects some sort of balance to be restored. When it is not, the reaction is to feel a little butt-sore about the situation and to resent your friend’s partner for hogging them – and to resent your friend for being an insensitive jerk. Saying something about it is pretty awkward, though, because you feel like your buddy should naturally want to hang out with you. If you have a talk about it and they make more of an effort, it almost feels worse because then you know they are only spending time with you out of obligation. Rather than feel like a charity case, you wait it out. They either resurface from their opium den of love with a renewed sense of appreciation for you OR they confirm your suspicions that you were just a waiting room until their all-consuming relationship came along, and despite your own efforts at communication, you rarely hear from them again.
Friend-Ender #4: Jealousy
Mature, kind-hearted people are able to put aside their own misfortunes long enough to feel genuinely happy for the ones they care about. Others are not able to rise above petty insecurities and as a result, fail miserably as friends. Maybe they perceive you as being better-looking/more talented/funnier/luckier in love/richer/more successful, whatever. The list goes on and on. At first, they cannot get enough of your company and tell you how great you are. It’s a little weird, but if they otherwise seem cool, you give it a chance. Over time, their jealousy grows into hatred. They can’t decide if they want to fuck you, be you, or kill you. They talk shit behind your back and then smile sweetly into your eyes, secretly burning inside. You’ve been supportive and giving in good times and bad, but it becomes apparent that neither of you are getting anything positive out of the friendship. They usually save you the trouble of having to end it by doing it themselves, cutting you off with little or no explanation, or by creating a hugely dramatic eruption that leaves you stunned and confused. Which brings us to #5.
Friend-Ender #5: Drama
You can’t take them anywhere without some sort of huge ordeal occurring. There is often an ah-HA moment when you realize that your friend has a drinking problem. Whenever you go out, you adopt the role of babysitter instead of feeling free to indulge in your own fun. There is always a sticky situation that involves you making excuses for your friend’s behavior to an offended third party. Mascara runs, fists are thrown, furniture is broken, and far too many mortifying text messages are sent. This person is not really a friend; you are merely his or her means to an end. You firmly let them know that you are sick of the bullshit and will only hang out with them sans alcohol; after which, you never hear from the person again.
Friend-Ender #6: Betrayal
We’ve all been stabbed in the back by a trusted friend. Sometimes it’s a physical action, like they’re sleeping with your significant other or stole your brilliant idea. Other times, it is something verbally cruel and emotionally devastating. Our best friends have the power to crush us with words because they know us better than anyone else, and it is only because we care deeply for them that they have that power to begin with. In one moment, years’ worth of good times and great memories can be shattered, incapable of being pieced back together again. It is so much worse than the slow death because often times, you never see it coming.
Friend-Ender #7: Roommates
When you get along incredibly well with someone, it seems logical that you would make good roommates. This is not always so. You don’t really know a person until you’ve lived with them. Something as insignificant as the way they load the dishwasher can be enough to make you crazy – or worse, if there isn’t a dishwasher and they leave piles of food-crusted plates and bowls in the sink for YOU to clean. Alternately, you probably have a bunch of rituals that seem normal to you, but drive them absolutely bat-shit. Whether the concerns are addressed or passive-aggressively left alone, your friendship will become strained. It is possible that the initial fond feelings can be salvaged if you quit living together, but it’s pretty hard to forget that they stole half your wardrobe items and still have yet to return them.
Conclusion
Without fifty-fifty give-and-take, all friendships are doomed to fail. What I’ve learned over the years is that it is not always a bad thing when they end. Certain people are present at certain times in our lives because we have a lesson to learn from them. For better or worse, friendship is a reflection of who we are as individuals and who we desire to become. If it’s true that we are who we surround ourselves with, some of us have a little spring-cleaning to do. Parting from a toxic situation is painful, but necessary. Similarly, staying friends with someone you no longer connect with is counter-productive. In a great friendship, you feel understood and supported and are able to do the same for them. At any given time, there is another wonderful person to connect with and learn from and in the most ideal of situations, inspire us to be the best version of ourselves.
May the dead ones rest in peace.
this is a nice article about friendship.
It is nice to see an article highlights friendship. I wish many people should read this kind of article in the future.
Ahh… of our greatest joys, biggest fears and deepest sorrows there is friendship; one of life’s grandest of learning tools.