I remember going to Asian Night at the Laugh Factory and the theme among the Asian men comedians seemed to center around Asian females and their flat boobs, man chests or airports neck down. And I remember thinking, “shut the fuck up! You have a small penis, asshole!” I simply wanted to politely remind them of the flaw they failed to mention, the unspeakable small Asian male penis. Homeboy’s shit is fucking tiny. That song, short short man? It was written about an Asian penis.

I became well acquainted with ‘small Asian penis’ after being helplessly committed to one for four years. I became really good at creating sexually enticing images in my mind in order to turn myself on and anticipate ‘small Asian penis.’ ‘Small Asian penis’ is like a really thick tampon– for those heavier days. It can be a turn-on if you’re tight and haven’t had sex in a while or, (more often) you may just not feel it much. And by not feel it, I mean exactly that.

Take it from personal experience. It’s not like I didn’t try. I saw commercials for “male enhancements” and I politely inquired, “hey honey, what’s that?” to which I got a half-assed response about it being similar to Viagra. Big difference! Soft and small may both start with S but *sigh*, very different my friend. Still, I tried more. I was determined. And I was a good girlfriend. Loyal, committed and stupid. I expended the majority of my taxable income on sexy “outfits” otherwise known as thigh highs, garters, and corsets. I talked dirty. I used mirrors. I strip-teased. I lap-danced. I even role played. And I definitely learned how to moan because moaning leads to a faster orgasm which thereby results in less “faked” moments with ‘small Asian penis.’ Damn, I was a good girlfriend, huh? Too bad ‘small Asian penis’ dumped me for a smaller Asian girl who probably had a shallow va-jay-jay who would welcome ‘small Asian penis.’

Which brings me to my next point .. the argument you’ve all heard a million times. Why ‘small Asian penis?” Well, DUH!!! How else will Asian females with shallow va-jay-jays procreate?! Yes, Asian men may have smaller penises (okay, to be fair not all are equally small just like not all Asian girls have flat chests.. there are “certain” outliers but that’s for another time) and speaking on behalf of Asian men with small penises, they are indeed perfectly and completely compatible for Asian girl va-jay jays! I have many Asian female friends who have repeatedly attested to that, but for them 4 inches is sometimes all they can take. Call it the evolution of the small penis! Or is it the evolution of the shallow va-jay-jay? Let’s face it, everyone wants compatibility – even if it’s in the form of simplicity. Big penis, Deep vagina. Everyone’s happy. End of story.

Don’t say I’ve only dated one Asian guy. I’ve dated a shitload, my friend! I’ve also talked to my Asian girlfriends who ONLY date Asian guys and those who have dated all races. Let’s just say, once you decide to marry Asian, stick to only Asians. Once you go elsewhere, you’ll want big penis!