The much anticipated lover’s holiday is quickly approaching us.

A couple years ago, when yours truly was in a loving and trusting relationship, I got a dictionary of “us” words. Yes, I was in a relationship where we had second definitions for words that were accustomed to “us.” A couple years after the spark in the aforementioned relationship died, the mister gave me a trash can filled with wonders that ranged from a blowdryer (I complained about not having one at his place so he so graciously provided one so I could come over more) to a purple dog toy to an ever so shitty box of candy. All I asked for that year were flowers and candy. I even told him, let’s be generic and simple – no grand gestures… only flowers and candy.

I guess he missed the point when he tried to go above and beyond and reward me with a trash can. There were no flowers in my new trash can. The purple dog toy broke after a couple of tugs from the dog. The blowdryer was not put to use since we broke up shortly thereafter. The candy was not Godiva, See’s or even Russell Stover’s. It was some cheap ass generic candy from Ralph’s that had a kiddy cartoon on it. WTF mate!

Valentine’s is ultimately, absolutely and entirely the worst holiday alive. First of all, it is the ONLY holiday which, for the most part, makes people sadder than it makes them happy. What other holiday reminds every single person that they are indeed single? Think of SAD (single awareness day) as synonymous with Valentine’s.

Men don’t like spending money and they sure as hell don’t love the pressure that V-day puts on them with any girl they are dating or with. Women are usually never happy with whatever they get. It’s the only day roses are gold, restaurants are packed for no reason and all menus are fixed or overpriced beyond belief. Commercialized? Yes. Retarded? Absolutely. Ridiculous? Completely. Necessary? Not at all. Valentine’s is a feel good holiday that makes everybody feel horrendous except those in a relationship, and shouldn’t they already be happy ’cause they’re in a relationship? What do single people get? Short end of the stick, that’s for sure!

Single people out there – do yourself a favor. Give in to the frenzy that is Valentine’s and use it to get some easy ass. Or, get yourself something nice. Write yourself a card that says, “Happy Valentine’s Day, [INSERT YOUR NAME], I am your most important and meaningful relationship. Please do not forget. I love you and will always be here. Always, [INSERT YOUR NAME AGAIN].”

Happy Valentine’s Day!