I joined MySpace in 2005 for the sake of getting my music heard. While I’ve made some awesome connections (ahem, The Neave) that I wouldn’t have made otherwise, there are aspects of this social networking tool that leave me feeling a little dirty inside. And so I present to you:
MySpace On Blast
MyAnus
What’s with half of you females on MySpace posing for photos whilst thrusting your bare asses out so far that they barely seem to be attached to your backs? If not for the piece of butt floss between your cheeks, I’d be able to see your colon. There is something to be said for “less is more” and “the art of the tease”. Instead of suggestively insinuating that you like it in the naughty place, give good face: a smile, for instance, belongs above the neck, not below the belt, and I’m pretty sure it’s the eyes – not the assholes – that are the windows to the soul.
MyMask
One of the saddest phenomenons I’ve encountered on MySpace: fake identities. These people are so ashamed and/or embarrassed of who they are that they hide behind the face – the LIFE – of someone else. One young woman goes by the name of “Danny Noriega’s Girl”. From what I gather, Danny Noriega was a contestant on American Idol. His “girl” has never met him in person, but apparently fancies herself his soulmate. Instead of posting pictures of herself, she has about one hundred of HIM. Everything about her, including her status updates, are somehow related to Danny Noriega, a total stranger.
Then there’s the guy who calls himself “Stewie”…as in, the sociopathic cartoon baby from “Family Guy”. His profile page is rife with images of semi-nude models who don’t know he – whoever HE is – exists. I pity these people for not feeling confident enough to just be themselves.
My15Minutes
“Martin The Trainer” is semi-famous for getting yelled at by Hulk Hogan on the now-defunct “Hogan Knows Best”. Hulk’s then-wife, Linda, enlisted Martin The Trainer to come over to their pad and whip her big ass into shape. Hulk didn’t like this one bit and thought the Italian Stallion was hitting on his wife and then – you know what? It doesn’t matter what happened. The point is that most reality T.V. stars do the shows in order to breathe some life back into their dried-up careers and are already considered “C-Listers”. If you were on one of these shows and got verbally pounded by said C-Lister for the mere three minutes that the editors cut and pasted you in there, PLEASE don’t let it go to your head. If I accidentally come across your page and see you milking your newfound “fame” for all it’s worth, I will throw up a little.
MyFriendWhores
This next one might bring me horrendous karma, seeing as how the only reason I have a MySpace in the first place is to promote my songs, but I’ll take my chances. No, I do NOT want to check out your music. There, I said it. If I come across your page and am super-stoked by what I hear, then trust me, I will send you an add request. As a singer-songwriter, I am pleased when someone requests my MySpace friendship because they “love the music”. Sending out ten million friend requests a day won’t get you ten million fans…it will get you ten million people who don’t actually give a shit, but are trying to add on to their OWN friend count and accept you by default. Stop wasting your time, and stop annoying your fellow cyber-spacers. If you’re truly good, your fans will find you by word-of-mouth and through you promoting yourself in a way that is NOT off-putting.
MyFrenemy
So interesting how all the people who shanked my heart out as a child have come crawling out of the woodwork to leech onto me as an adult. You were one of my best friends in the 6th grade…until you inexplicably turned all of my other friends against me upon my return from a two-month horse show circuit. I was an outcast for the remainder of the school year and was one of two people NOT invited to the huge graduation party you and another ex-friend threw at her house…a house that I could see from my own backyard. After treating me like complete and utter shit and allowing me to feel like a loser for no good reason, you had the audacity to track me down on MySpace recently and gush sycophantically as though nothing had ever happened. You were a bitch back then and I have little reason to believe that you’re a doll now. No, I don’t want to hang out, but yes, I’d love an explanation, an apology, and a counteraction to the damage you did to my good name: you can make it up to me by promoting my music and my writing. Thanks.
MyMolester
If you’re a “professional” who owns a “management company” in the entertainment field, I might accept your add request due to the small chance that you could be legitimately interested in my career. HOWEVER…if you follow up your request with a message simply stating: “You’re a hottttie – do you have msn chat?”, I will most likely block you. Even if I was single, I wouldn’t appreciate getting hit on via MySpace, much less getting invited to “chat”. Gross. Additionally, trying to lure ambitious females by using the ol’ “I can help your career” angle makes you an internet predator…and pathetic.
MyTMI
Some of you are people I actually know in “real life”: family, close friends, colleagues, et cetera. Most of you are really good about knowing the difference between what constitutes a “message” versus a “comment”. If you heard me fart once while doing aerobic leg-lifts, do NOT leave me a recollection of the event in the form of a comment on my profile page where everyone in the world can read it…especially since it’s just for the sake of embarrassing me (ahem, Bec). Likewise, if you have personal information about yourself that you’d like to share with me, writing a PRIVATE MESSAGE is the way to go. On the other hand, if you’re a stranger and want to tell me you love my songs, leave it as a COMMENT so everyone ELSE knows that at least one person thinks my music is deece.
MyTrailerTrash
We have “statuses” so we can let our friends and fans know what we’re up to at any given moment. The Neave usually writes a smart-ass sentence that people can’t resist commenting on:
The Neave: www.theneave.com: in and around your mouth.
Mood: Paper
That basically sums up what The Neave is: a website; funny; and a little off-the-wall…in less than ten words! Some of you, however, take a different approach:
Greg’s Girl: is fighting with Greg.
Mood: pissed at Greg
No one needs (or wants) to know that. Call up your mom/dad/psychiatrist and have a good rant about it, but don’t air your dirty laundry for millions of people to see. It’s tacky.
MySpam
Once in a while, I browse through the bulletins and even post one or two of my own. Bulletins are a great way to promote yourself, share information, or find something you’re looking for. Some of you don’t know when to stop, though. Set a limit for yourself: no more than five a day, even if you have upwards of a hundred thousand friends and are worried that not everyone’s catching your posts. It’s beyond annoying to see a million of the same bulletins – or a million different bulletins, but from the same user – and have to trudge past all of them in order to get to the ones I actually have interest in seeing. Next bulletin-abuser I catch will be deleted from my friends list.
MyFacebook
I have a MySpace and a Facebook. While I accept add requests from almost anyone on MySpace, Facebook is reserved solely for the friends and contacts I know in REAL LIFE. I suspect I’m not the only one who does it this way. As a result, it is infinitely more enjoyable to “hang out” on Facebook and exchange messages with people I actually care about, as opposed to sifting through all the bullshit messages and comments on MySpace that couldn’t mean less to me. Noticing that Facebook was getting all the attention, the folks at MySpace panicked and began copycatting FB wherever possible. Their latest travesty prompted me to update this post. This is what our status updates look like now:
The Neave: Check this out: http://lnk.ms/02Zgj . Now our status is going to get spammed because you people are assholes. Your music sucks. Kthanks. (18 hours ago)
Mood: Anti-Spam!
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Britt Warner Wow. Are they not even bothering to read statuses before vomiting all over them?
The most maddening part of this is knowing that these idiots think their “marketing” scheme is going to work…as in, by having yet another forum to spam, these Douchey McDouchersons will attract thousands of new “friends” who will be fighting to be first in line to “show some love” with their add requests. That’s not how it works, you braindead, love-forsaken imbeciles! As noted in “MyFriendWhores”: if you have something worth checking out, your audience will find YOU. And if MySpace doesn’t quit trying to be something it’s not, I’ll delete my fucking account.
MyGayness
This comment was sent by your friend, Butt-Monkey, via the Cheers!! app. To block this app and all communications from it, click Here.
Hey CumWad, I am sending you a piss martini.Send me a drink back!
I’m not an alcoholic in REAL life, so why would I want a million VIRTUAL drinks? Don’t send me a martini, and don’t accept pretend booze from your friends. Unless you’re under twenty-one, you can walk to the corner liquor store and buy yourself a fucking six-pack. Bestow generosity upon your loved ones in REALITY, using your WORDS and TIME – NOT via MySpace in the form of a fake cosmo.
Basically, all applications are lame, and that includes the ones on Facebook. Don’t poke me, don’t send me a teddy bear, and no, I don’t want to join your Farmville/Mob/Zoo. Pussy.
MyDisturbia
Hey MySpace! I don’t care how much you’re getting paid to allow people to advertise whatever they want – that shit’s getting creepier by the day. “WHEN WILL YOU DIE?” screams the rapidly decaying face of a child. Um, who the FUCK wants to play THAT game?! Also, stop with the online dating ads featuring live motion freaks racing towards the screen when they “see” me online. Grody! Furthermore, I don’t want to know what kind of mixed drink I am or which celebrity’s lips those are. Enough!
MyConclusion
For people trying to network in the entertainment fields, MySpace has become a necessary evil*. That does NOT mean we all need to put our inner slut/sociopath/pussy/bitch/douchebag/rapist/stalker/egomaniac on display for total strangers to see and form opinions about. Most of us are guilty of at least one MyCrime, but it’s never too late to self-reform. Let’s try to keep it classy, MySpacers, and when in doubt, ask yourself this one question: What would Britt Warner do? 
*This was originally posted in March of 2009. Anyone who has two brain cells to rub together knows that MySpace is now DeadSpace. Just say no.
