I published Part I of this series a couple months ago as a sort of love letter to Bill Maher’s “New Rules,” which you can read here. Britt’s Laws are back with a whole new list of legalities that would be commonplace if I had things my way.
Britt’s Law
It’s great that people come in all shapes and sizes. Certain professionals, however, should be required to have hot bodies. Male lifeguards with bitch titties and beer bellies? Unacceptable. Cops who frequent Krispy Kreme and become too rotund to be able to run after criminals? Outrageous.
Britt’s Law
Anyone – black, white, Republican, Democrat, male, or female – who becomes prestigious enough to run for President should be considered a high-class whore. There is no way to reach that point in a political career with one’s integrity fully intact…that is to say, asses have been kissed, dicks have been sucked, and money has been exchanged. Prostitution should be legalized countrywide, as there is no greater practice of it than in our own government. Why is Big Pharma able to buy the souls of our leaders for billions and yet, Joe Shmoe can’t get a five-dollar hand job from Trixie in the backseat of his Camaro? Land of Opportunity, my ass.
Britt’s Law
People who were molested and/or abused as children should get to inflict punishment on their offenders in any manner they see fit. Slow, agonizing torture sounds about right. It might even give the victims enough closure to stand a decent shot at attaining a healthy life.
Britt’s Law
People who talk the talk need to be able to walk the walk. All jibber-jabber and no action often results in wasted time (mine) and loss of respect (for you). “Man, I’d be so successful if only I had __________” is a load of crap. Get creative and do whatever it takes to make shit happen for yourself…however long the journey may be. Taking baby steps towards your dreams is better than standing still, waiting for the perfect situation to present itself. While you’re yakking away about what you’ll do when this or that falls into place, the days are bleeding into one another and you’re still at Square One. People should not be able to so much as mention “the goods” unless they fully intend to deliver.
Britt’s Law
Any prescription drug that yields side effects more troublesome than the actual ailment should not be released. Have high blood pressure? Do some fucking yoga. Have a hyper-active child? Buy it a drum set. We are already equipped with all we need to be healthy, whole human beings. Stop paying good money to be some sadist’s lab rat.
Britt’s Law
Until we pay off our debt to China, America is not allowed to celebrate Independence Day.
Britt’s Law
People, Us Weekly, In Touch, et al, should be taken off of newsstands and bankrupted. Celebrities should not be glorified past the actual entertainment they provide. Tasteful, consenting interviews in reputable publications are the exception to the rule; attaining insight via someone’s permission is wholly different than running them off the road for the sake of catching them without makeup. Paparazzi can get jobs at McDonald’s and Walmart instead of profiting off of parasitic, vulture-esque behavior. People should turn the focus back to their own lives instead of obsessing over the trials and tribulations of the rich and famous. Imagine: without the distraction that Miley Cyrus’s love life provides, folks would have to face how fucking miserable/bored/lonely/horny/envious/poor they are…and maybe be forced to do something about it.
Author: Britt Warner
