Lululemon is insanely amazing. If you haven’t already heard of the brand, it is God-sent for your big flabby ass or droopy cellulite infested thighs. It sucks in all your shit into its heavenly yoga material that only costs a bill (give or take… around there). Alas, unaware of where exactly the pants must sit on thy hips, I so adorned a most sexy camel toe to the gym. Fortunately for me, distractions were ubiquitous from via my visible panty lines (“VPL”) and constant queefing. This, my friends, is why I do not do yoga. You see, yoga is a relaxing form of exercise that focuses on your breathing, flexibility and meditation. It’s also most often practiced with light music in the background or none at all…. hence, when I’m told to veer into the shoulder stand, and my legs are henceforth lengthened into the air while I am on my back.. on the way there, an ever so pleasant release of air from my vagina seems to make its way out with a little toot otherwise none as a “queef.” Of course, me being very self-aware, quickly lowered my camel toe inducing yoga pants slightly so they sat quietly on my hips screaming, “I’m sexy once again” and avoided any yoga poses on the floormat. Who knows, I may even meet a hot rich man at my expensive overrated but oh so great gym.

Mental note: avoid camel toe, VPL and queefing until then.

Always,

Bitta