I was among the first to arrive at the upscale Italian restaurant in Los Angeles where the speed dating event took place. It was my first time, so I had a cocktail to take the edge off. About twenty minutes before the start of the event, people were just starting to arrive, and almost every one of them headed straight for the bar after checking in. I know I did.

There were 16 women and 8 men, but two of the women left (because of the ratio, no doubt). I wanted to leave too, but I figured I’d be a good sport about it. My motto has always been, don’t dogg it ’till you’ve tried it.

The whistle blew and I had my first date with a mechanical engineer from Northridge. We were chatting it up before the round of dates began so starting the conversation wasn’t a problem. Holding my interest, however, was.

I don’t remember much of the four-minute conversations I had with any of the men I met. It was all bullshit small talk. I usually avoid small talk when I can. Could these dates BE any longer? I said to myself in that tone Chandler uses in the television series “Friends.”

One of the last men I met asked me a question that eventually inspired this post, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

“What are you looking for?” he asked me. It’s a legitimate question given the circumstances of our encounter.

“A relationship without the relationship,” I blurted out, not really knowing what I was looking for at all.

“You know what’s funny? You’re the fourth girl here that’s said that,” he replied.

Is that so?

A week later, the subject came up with a friend. “Why do you want a relationship without the relationship?” I was asked.

Well, I said, I don’t want anyone dictating how I spend my time. I’m very career-driven so I need the freedom to do my own thing and do what I want, when I want. At the same time, I just want to be able to have someone to call on those “cold, lonely nights.”

I think what I want, what other women seem to want, and what I’ve always thought men wanted is a pseudo relationship. It works perfect for commitment-phobes like myself, if you think about it.

A pseudo relationship resembles a commitment on the surface but no real commitment is actually made. However, I was enlightened when my friend said to me with a look of empathy, “You must be in more pain than me.”

How so?

“Well, what about those moments when you’re not in a relationship with someone and you wish you really were? That must be more painful to yearn for that commitment with someone than it is for me to yearn being single again.”

I don’t follow.

If what you yearn for is the very thing I already have, she said, then you must be really unhappy.

Interesting…

So from what I understand about dating,  we’re all just looking for pseudo relationships with the potential to evolve into something more serious, IF and when we want it. After awhile, I can imagine it would get hard to keep your feelings detached, so it only makes perfect sense.

What’s your take on pseudo relationships? Do share your thoughts.

• Kiss & Tell