En route cross-country, my mom dropped off a few boxes of my shit: memorabilia, awards, Nintendo NES, and, most importantly, my diaries. Although highly entertaining, most of my coming-of-age musings and recollections are way too personal to splatter all over the internet. There IS one entry that I’d like to share, however, as I believe it might benefit a few of you folks out there. Allow me to set the mood:
I’d moved to Austin, Texas from my native Los Angeles with the intention of immersing myself in the live music scene. Instead, I sat on my screened-in porch chain-smoking cigarettes and writing a novel in between working doubles as a waitress and hooking up with all the wrong people. The latter left me in a state of such emotional and sexual frustration that I was prompted to pen a list:
Sunday, November 20, 2005 (5:45pm)
*New Criteria For Future Mate:
- Very moderate drinker/pot smoker
- Six inch cock or larger
- Ability to fuck vigorously for hours on end, regardless of orgasm quantity. (Author’s Note: Did I mention that the people I’d been hooking up with left me sexually frustrated?)
- Sensual, instinctive fingers and tongue
- Lack of inhibition
- Generous masseuse
- Exciting, sensual kisser
- Great hygiene
- Healthy body fat and muscle tone
- 5’10″ or taller
- Attractive head of hair
- Deep, amazing eyes
- Sensuous mouth
- Able to communicate about everything
- Intellectually stimulating
- Unpretentious
- A little mysterious, always
- Sexy as hell
- Creative and imaginative
- Hilarious and witty
- Open-minded and curious
- Non-judgmental
- Inspired and inspirational
- Passionate about at least one thing
- Faithful, devoted, monogamous
- Protective
- Empathetic
- Mentally balanced
- Forgiving
- Playful in and out of bed
- Hard-working and self-motivated
- Family-minded
- Unafraid of and open to change
- Accepting of my quirky family
- Completely, utterly in love with me
Is that too much to ask?
I have high standards, but I refuse to compromise them. The more exposed I am to different people and situations, the more adamant I become to stick to my guns. I’ve never needed to be in a relationship. I do just fine on my own and have so many dreams that I must pursue and see through. Relationships are all-consuming for so many people, and I’ve been somewhat hesitant to get involved with someone for fear of being distracted; however, I feel that it is crucial to know what is important to me in a potential lover. The aforementioned criteria list is an effort to keep sight of the qualities I desire so that I don’t settle for anything less than my personal best. Somewhere out there exists a man who possesses all of those traits. If it takes me years, I will wait to meet him, and although I might be tempted by loneliness to stray from my resolve, I will hold fast. Otherwise, what’s the fucking point?
Moving On…
Several months later, I left Austin, sick of the town and sick of myself. I forgot all about The List – the last thing I wanted was to get involved with anyone. And then it happened. I ran into someone I’d known a couple of years earlier…specifically, a person I had lusted after somethin’ fierce. At long last we were simultaneously single, as well as older and wiser. Otherworldly love ensued and today, that man is my husband.
A few years after writing my silly piece of criteria, it is intriguing to re-read the qualities I desired in a mate, mainly because the next person I hooked up with possessed all of them. Yes, the first few seem more than a little shallow due to the circumstances that had prompted me to scribble them down in the first place, but ultimately, I just wanted what everyone else wants: to meet my match, to find the yin to my yang. It is true: you can’t and shouldn’t go looking for love…love finds YOU. You can, however, become very clear in your own head about who and what that ideal love must be to you as an individual. I’m a tall, sexually-enthusiastic, self-motivated creative-type with a twisted sense of humor and strong ideals. If you’re a short, prudish, lazy, unimaginative slob who loves Dumb Blonde jokes and believes that Jesus Saves, it ain’t gonna work for me, but that doesn’t mean you’re not the man of Some Other Girl’s dreams.
Take a moment to conjure up your Dream Man or Woman, just for shits and gigs. Make it as seemingly far-out as you dare…know who you are and tailor the qualities of your dream mate to complement your own. It’s never good to be total opposites, but being too much alike sucks, too. Example: if you love being the center of attention, you’ll do better with someone who won’t be fighting you for the spotlight, et cetera, et cetera.
After writing the list:
If you’re single, fold it up and forget about it. The simple act of writing down what you desire has given you the subconscious ability to recognize your ideal mate when he or she stumbles across your path.
If you’re attached, be honest with yourself: are you with your soul mate, or have you “settled”? Maybe the person you settled for grew into someone even better than anyone you could have dreamed up in your diary…or maybe they’ve devolved into a person who is now farther below your standards than what you began with. It’s never too late to correct a mistake.
Be a person of substance and integrity while allowing yourself some room for aesthetic appreciation. Dream big, kids.
[Originally published May 24, 2009]
