By Manuel Carrillo III

We live in the “future” and I still have to reach to my dirtiest nether regions with paper in hand to wipe after moving my bowels?

Absurd, I say.

Toilet paper is a $2.4 billion industry that is killing our world’s trees. Never mind the special tree farms used to provide raw toilet paper material – those trees could be used for better purposes … like providing oxygen for the air you breathe.

After thinking about tree slaughter I’ll have a new reason to be oxygen deprived in the loo: the smell alone won’t do it, but now on top of that, the thought of killing trees and massacring the environment just to wipe my fanny.

I think many people forget the energy it takes to run sewage treatment plants; encumbering these facilities with the added task of breaking down paper causes more energy usage that is killing our atmosphere.

And then there’s the infamous bidet – the water spritzer that shoots straight up out the toilet. That’s even dirtier than wiping. Imagine spraying down a mud-covered wall with a garden hose. Some of that mud is going to splash back on you. Now imagine a bidet wreaking havoc in the toilet bowl. Bust out the hazmat suit.

There’s got to be something out there – super anti-defecation enzymes, scented nano-technological computer-controlled shit scrubber particles – hey, whatever happened to the three seashells from Demolition Man? Anything so I can stop seeing the Charmin bears on television wiping their asses on trees.

I’m calling on all scientists to find a better way to clean our bums in the 21^st century. There’s a minimum of $2.4 billion in it for you.