I am Newton Hooton and I understand that I have a very odd name. I have been made fun of, ridiculed and abused by many because of my name. That is why I write the Shwag section for this grand ol’ publication. It is my way to stick my fist up people’s butts and get them back for all the times I cried myself to sleep. Kidding! I lack emotions completely. Anyway. Moving on!

C.H.A. Reports

I met this clown at a local bar the other night. He reminded me why I hate some people. He talked, walked and dressed like a complete dickhead. His name is Dj Mike Strip. After getting home from the bar I decided to look him up on myspace and oh….my…god. I have never head garbage this bad. It is a bunch of songs stuck together and he calls them his “Mash Ups.” None of the songs go together and it is just…bizarre. Please put this guy on blast. I will offer you my girlfriend.

Nice "real" gun, man! You so hardcore!

The caption on his Myspace says "San Diego." Well, it's a photoshopped background

Myspace caption said "Mt. Fiji." Well, it's photoshopped...again.

Photoshopped background again!

He put his STD test results on his Myspace. Really!? *CLICK TO SEE FULLSIZE*

Nice tan...nice shade of orange

His Myspace caption said "I pack stadiums." It's a fucking football field dude...

C.H.A (Central Hooton Agency) is impressive. Nice job! Now, before I comment on anything. Send me your girlfriend to Pershing Square in Downtown L.A. Have her wear a clown suit so I know who she is. I will return her to you in a week. Thank you . Anyway. I listened to his “Mash Ups” I started bleeding from both ears. I am telling you guys, his stuff is horrible. Look him up on Myspace. Legally I can not directly link to him, so you need to find him yourself. Sorry! His tan is horrible, his photoshop skills are horrible, his music is worst than my cousin’s snores and his tan is very Oompa Loompa like. I have spoken.