I’ve been a writer for as long as I can remember. As a child, I used to create my own crayon-illustrated storybooks out of construction paper and stapled edges and gave them to my parents as gifts. Although I love to sing and perform, I am an introvert. If you and I meet for the first time, I will be friendly and candid, but I won’t fill the dead air if I don’t have something semi-intelligent to say. Plus, I’m kind of shy.
Putting paper to pen has always given me the freedom to express myself without stumbling over the clumsiness of my tongue. I have time to formulate my thoughts and construct them in a more intelligent manner. It helps to see the words laid out before my eyes; it’s much more difficult for me to eloquently verbalize my thoughts on the fly.
I understand that some people function in the opposite manner. That is to say, they’re great conversationalists, but shitty writers. No sweat. Those people will often readily admit that they’re terrible as a disclaimer of sorts. For me, however, the problems arise when they don’t even try. The advent of the Internet and abbreviated jargon has only exacerbated the sheer laziness of certain individuals.
“LOL.” Very few things grate on my nerves more than that three-letter combo. It stands for “laughing out loud.” As opposed to what – giggling under one’s breath (the not-yet invented GUB)? Even more annoying: ROFLMAO (Rolling On Floor Laughing My Ass Off). Are you? Did you really fall off of your chair due to the intensity of your amusement and are now rolling around on the fucking floor like an insane idiot? Please. If you’re too opposed to the idea of having a conversation on the phone or in person – where your friend can actually hear the sound of your laughter – and insist on social networking via the World Wide Web, try typing the following: “haha.” That’s it. And if it’s reeeeally funny, add a few more ha’s to the end. Your friend will read that response and instantly understand that you are laughing, since “haha” is the sound most of us make when we crack up. I have never been at a restaurant and heard the person at the table next to mine bust out with an uproarious “El-oh-el! El-oh-el!” Not yet, at least.
Another personal titty-twister: improper spelling. Without breaking down and offering an impromptu English class here on The Neave, allow me to shed light on a particularly common problem by explaining one simple rule: if you’re shortening the phrase “it is,” then put a goddamn apostrophe up in dat bitch: it’s = it is. If you are talking about a creature having possessive property, you do not include an apostrophe: “Its house.” “Its hairy back.” “It’s a piece of shit.” See what I just did there? As a rule of thumb, put an apostrophe wherever you omit letters in order to shorten a word: isn’t = is not; aren’t = are not; should’ve = should have. Also, please learn the difference between their, there, and they’re, as well as your and you’re, to, two, and too, et cetera.
Look, I didn’t go to college…I barely paid attention in high school. If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that you received an education that exceeded my own. So y not i dont rite like thes? Well…I picked up a book…and read it. Then I picked up another book and did the same thing, again and again and again! It didn’t have to be the works of Aristotle – often I preferred light, disposable stories that erred on the side of trashy. Nonetheless, repetitiously seeing the way certain words and phrases were connected taught me the rules of English in a fun, effortless way that has stuck with me far longer than anything I crammed for in ninth grade Lit. The rules of our language are often contradictory and confusing – I know! Be creative. Take liberties, if you like. (I am the queen of saying “deece” instead of “decent.”) I know that I am far from perfect; with that in mind, I strive to become a better writer because there is always room for improvement. Just make a little more of an effort not to sound/look/act like a brainless ‘tard and we’ll be cool.
Author: Britt Warner
