The commercial for the ExtenZe male enhancement pill weirds me out. (That’s how they spell it. With a capital ‘Z’, which also weirds me out because, well, WHY?) It said that if you’re not completely satisfied, you can send it back for a refund.

Really?

I mean what constitutes ‘completely satisfied’? Are you supposed to take before and after photos? Should you try this out with someone that you’ve already been with or someone you have high hopes for so you’re not let down? And if it is someone you’ve been with before, isn’t that a little insulting to the guy? Do they willingly take this pill, or do you have to slip it in their food like you do with dogs when you have to give them medicine so they don’t get worms?

I’m not even really sure if this would help bring on a more fulfilling sex life as the commercial suggests. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase ‘bigger isn’t always better’. I mean what if after this magic male enhancement drug, the guy still sucks in bed. You get your money back, but then what? Do you just say: “Well, at least it’s not your penis; turns out it’s just you”?

I wonder if I can coerce someone into trying out this drug for me – like a science experiment. Sex wouldn’t even necessarily be a requirement. I could just sit there and watch the penis grow. Like a Chia pet.

Takers? Anyone?

• Kiss & Tell