These days, Facebook is used for far more than social networking and stalking your ex. With the inception of applications featuring games, quizzes, astrology readings, and other mindless time-wasters, Facebook now exists as an entire Internet subculture. The common person is given a platform to broadcast his or her mundane existence; even though you’re a loser in real life, you’re king of the world in Mafia Wars!
Guess what. We don’t care. We don’t care how often you poop. We don’t care how many fake chickens you own on your stupid fake farm on Farmville. We don’t care if you think your ugly mug resembles a hot celebrity for “Doppleganger Week”. We don’t care to try and analyze cryptic song lyrics that mean nothing to us, and you probably don’t even understand yourself.
We invite you to take a stand against your obnoxious Facebook friends, and de-friend them (gasp!) …or at least just “hide” them from your Newsfeed.
In honor of our dearly delusional Internet friends, the delightful John Ryan Gallagher and I have compiled a list of Top Ten things to do on Facebook if you want everyone to de-friend you.
10. Don’t tell us how awesome your sweet, cool life is. Most of us aren’t as happy as you are, and we don’t like having bullshit wiped in our faces. Are you sooooo in love? Shut it. Are you having sooo much fun on your awesome tropical vacation? Please, spare us. We’re probably sitting in class, or at our boring 9-5 office job thinking about how much we want to kill you. Unless you’re one of our best friends or family members, we aren’t happy for you; we’re jealous and annoyed. Save the excessive ooh-ing and aaah-ing over your own life for a personal text or call to whomever you think might give a shit.
9. Describe – and brag about – your monetary situation. No one cares if you got financial aid to college, or that your dad just bought you a new Dolce and Gabbana clutch. Most folks will think you’re tacky and uncouth. It’s not polite to discuss money, especially in such a public forum as Facebook.
8. “…He goes left and you stay right, between the lines of fear and blame…” does not belong in a status update. Don’t advertise your relationship problems with cryptic, emo song lyrics alluding to a bad break-up. You’re not insightful, mysterious, or clever; you’re crying for attention. By composing statuses requiring people to try and understand your intentions, you’re tricking them into looking at your Facebook profile one more second than they would had you simply said, “Just broke up with my idiot girlfriend.” Save the melodrama for your Mama.
7. We would rather pluck our nose hairs while listening to cats dying than read your stupid quizzes. If you take “The Bitch Test” or “What kind of drink are you?” we will de-friend you before you even have a chance to read your results. Quit having a computer analyze you, and get out and live! Anyways, we hope you already know what kind of boobs you have, without relying on a quiz to tell you. Unless, perhaps, you’re blind and have no arms. In that case, we can’t figure out how you would take this stupid quiz in the first place.
6. People who look at your profile most often. This isn’t Myspace anymore; we don’t care how popular you are, or how many followers you have. The more you have online, the less friends you probably have in real life.
5. Pictures of drunk girls on toilets, sometimes with mustaches, sometimes with their tongues out. Keep your pants on and your tongue in your mouth. And girls, please refrain from putting on a fake mustache – that’s sooo hipster 2008.
4. Your daily astrology reading. We just don’t care. It may mean something to you, but if we’re not directly involved, save it for someone who gives a shit.
3. Who your doppleganger is. You’re not hot, and you don’t look like your doppleganger. Just because you have plump lips doesn’t mean you’re Scarlet Johansson.
2. Your period or pooping habits. We’re not your doctor. However, if you have not gotten your period in a few months and think you might be preggers, please! Share! We like to have a good laugh every now and then.
1. Fake farm on Farmville. We think Farmville ruined Facebook. Virtual chickens and cows are meaningless, and we don’t want our Newsfeed cluttered with your imaginary agricultural bullshit.
Ask yourself this simple question before posting something on your Facebook: do people really want to know what I’m doing, or am I about to post this status update or picture simply for attention? Keep that in mind, and you’re destined to have a nonirritating, informative yet appropriate social networking profile! And that’s all for now, folks. Stay tuned for more collaborative efforts from Liv and John.
* images courtesy of google image search and Facebook
Author: Liv
Comments
I wish the girl in the second picture had a mustache too.
Yes! Fucking awesome.
Telling friends and families of a college acceptance or scholarship award is obviously exciting. In terms of money, that’s better left to personal contact.
Girls with mustaches?! I hated that! What’s the point?!
I suddenly have an almost irresistable urge to go rent ‘The Breakfast Club’, someone please help me!
My favorite is the one about song lyrics, that gets sooooo annoying! Thanks for an entertaining read!
Amen to the anti-Farmville sentiments. And a clever/accurate article again!
it`s a hilarious, satirical post targeting an assortment of types of people; your gf wasnt the only one targetedd. chill!
Great article, Liv. Well written and entertaining as always.
AMEN
oh my! =D so funny!
if anyone wants to personally attack me, has a concern with me individually, wants to start an internet fight with me, or thinks that i am personally attacking THEM by this article, or any article i write, please email me at liv.k.hauck@gmail.com and we can discuss your issues. this post was meant as a satirical, slightly outrageous roast. 10 or 11 groups of people were “targeted” and visual examples were taken from a number of people’s facebook profiles. i apologize if anyone feels specifically wronged, that is not the intention of the article..
haha, while I post music all the time randomly, i do post lyrics sometimes that are a reflection of my day, so i guess im victim to #8.
very true. especially 10,6, 5 and 3. However, i think number 1 is misdirected a bit as the publsihing/adviertising of farmville things is not left entirely up to facebook users as much as it is the collaboration of facebook and zynga
haha zing @ #6! and the cryptic status messages. Hilarious
Like Lucy, I’ve been guilty of #8 but usually the lyrics are reflective of my happiness, which would then make me guilty of #10. Yeahhhh!