A while back, I wrote an article advising the boys as to which chicks they should avoid getting down with at all costs. When it comes to whom the ladies need to steer clear of, many of those gals mentioned on that list are unsavory in the male form, as well. (Such as the Cousin, The Ex, The Dare Devil, and so on, which you can read about *here*).
I’m not one to indulge double-standards, but when it comes to sex, there’s at least one glaring difference between men and women. Yes, genitalia would be one of those differences, but no, that’s not what I’m referring to. While the modern woman loves to pretend she can separate sex and love in the same manner that men can, it’s often just not that easy. Blame it on our genetic hard-wiring, but even after the worst sexual encounter, there’s still a part of the female brain that needs a follow-up call (or text)…if only for our ego’s sake.
With the fragile vaginal psyche in mind, the following is a collection of ten additional characters that you should NOT have sex with.
10. – The Homo
As in “sapien?” No, no, as in “sexual.” Everyone gets horribly shit-faced at least once in their lives, including your gay friend/roommate/acquaintance. At first, it might seem like the ego-boost of the century (“Wow, I’m so hot that even gay men can’t resist me!”), but the situation will rapidly devolve into a nightmare. You know that repulsive, vomitous dude that you accidentally hooked up with way back when? You know… the wart of a human being who still causes you to cringe uncontrollably whenever the memory of sharing your body with him is conjured? Regardless of whether the sex is good or bad, that’s exactly what you’ll be to your gay guy the morning after (and forever after). Do you really want to be wincingly remembered as “The Pussy Incident?”
9. – The Neat Freak
Sex is messy – it’s supposed to be. If you go home with a guy and notice that his place is eerily immaculate, quickly come up with an excuse to bow out early. He will be rabidly uptight about your fluids coming into contact with his pristine white blankets, inhibiting your ability to be human. Typically, women need to be put at ease in order to fully reap the rewards of the sexual experience. Right off the bat, this anal-retentive schmuck’s neuroses will rub off on you and dry up your well, so to speak. Leave him to masturbate into sterilized gloves while you find a lover who doesn’t feel the need to Lysol your pubes.
8. – The Brother
In a big, complicated world where it is becoming increasingly difficult to meet someone you feel safe getting naked with, it’s all too tempting to hook up with… your friend’s brother? Indeed, particularly if you’re a teen or young adult and you all hang out as a group. The brother has all the attractive qualities of your BFF plus the added bonus of a penis. You’ve bantered, gone to dinner together… shit, you’ve even met his parents. Don’t do it, though. There are many different ways this scenario could turn out, but one thing is almost certain: it will put a strain on the friendship you have with his sister. Considering the shortage of awesome girl friends out there, ask yourself this: is a piece of ass really worth it?
7. – The Play-uh
A man who boasts about his sexual prowess almost always sucks in bed. He’ll be wearing Ed Hardy and spitting some whack-ass game, bragging himself up to be the greatest thing since toilet paper. He’ll talk and talk and talk his way into your pants, skip foreplay altogether, clumsily spasm on top of you after two minutes flat… and then bounce. Please beware of the person who tries to bypass the preliminary make-out sesh. Kissing is not only a great indicator of passion and chemistry, but also one of the best panty-soaking tools available to men. Every great lover knows that. Most smash-and-grab douchebags, however, do not.
6. – The Gynecologist
A man who chooses to examine vaginas all day is either a total perv, or he really, really loves women. Whatever the case may be, you’re going to have a very difficult time getting into the mood with this dude. Imagine him heading South. Even if he’s totally into it, you won’t be able to stop wondering if he’s doing a mental examination of your lady parts, critiquing your labia and such. All gynos protest that “it’s not like that,” but come on. Come on.
If you handled penises forty hours a week, you’d either be like, “ugh, not another one,” or you’d have to possess a pretty powerful on/off switch, constantly repressing your sexual reactions until it was a permissible time to “play.” Even if it’s just casual sex, wouldn’t it be nice to at least have the pretense that your partner wasn’t playing with other women’s pussies all day?
5. – The Adonis
Men are typically thrilled to bag a babe who is obviously out of their league in the Looks Department. For women, though, it’s best to find a mate who is either equally or slightly less physically attractive. Lusting after a man with celebrity-good-looks is one thing; actually attaining him is quite another.
Women have enough insecurities and body issues as it is. Unless you have the self-confidence of a goddess, sexing someone hotter than yourself will make you all too aware of those superficial differences and possibly hinder your ability to really let loose in bed. And if this shallow conundrum doesn’t ring true? More power to you for being further evolved than the rest of the female population!
4. – The Eye Sore
While I don’t advise bedding a male model, I also implore you to raise your standards. I don’t care how nice he is. “Nice” doesn’t mean jack shit if he fails to get you all hot and bothered. Sharing a great conversation with a man you find heinously unattractive is fine; sharing DNA with a man you find heinously unattractive is not. You are more prone to this scenario when you have abstained from sex for what seems like forever. Your horniness gets the best of you and clouds your rationale. Be strong. You deserve to receive pleasure from someone who excites and intrigues you… if only for a night.
3. – The Fetishist
Nothing is worse than hooking up with someone as a one-time-thing and having him fiddle with your parts in a manner that can only be described as “Out, damn spot, out!” before revealing his titty-fucking fetish (and you know it’s a fetish when they bust it out the very first time you get behind closed doors). It’s perfectly normal to be turned on by some things more than others, and if having your toes screwed is what gets you off, don’t let me or anyone else tell you it’s wrong. The problem arises when your idea of foreplay is his idea of the main event. He will be so focused on satisfying his sexual quirk that your own pleasure will likely get cast aside. While there’s no way to truly know what sort of crazy shit someone’s into until you’re in the midst of it, at least have the self-respect not to keep going back for one Strawberry Shortcake after another if you know it’s not your thing.
2. – The Alcoholic
Early-Onset Erectile Dysfunction is proof that some men would rather drink a twelve-pack every night than have sex. Case in point: he’s under the age of forty, but has difficulty achieving and maintaining wood. Twenty-year-old guys shouldn’t need Viagra – ever. They just need to drink less. Don’t waste your time trying to “revive” him, as he’ll most likely pass out before you get the chance to anyway and won’t even remember your efforts the next day. Little is less pleasurable or more frustrating than trying to shoot pool with a piece of spaghetti.
1. – The Guy Friend
It took me a while for this to really sink in: guys can not be friends with girls they are attracted to without having at least the slight hope that one day – even if it’s ten years down the line – there will be sex. Don’t argue with me on this one. I, too, wish it wasn’t true. It’s a hard thing to fully accept because of the terrible irony: most of us women actually get along better with guys than we do with girls. We’re totally cool maintaining friendships with dudes without sex ever coming into play, regardless of their level of attractiveness. And then it happens. After years of complete and utter platonic comfort, you and your closest guy friend drink too much wine and start kissing. Much to the shock of your naïve self, he tells you it’s what he’s always wanted, and one of two things proceed to happen: a) he pressures you for sex and then gets majorly offended when you say no, for as it turns out, it’s never been what you wanted, or b) you have drunken, mediocre sex with him and wonder if this means you’re a couple now. In both scenarios, it makes for a very awkward breakfast the next day. It’s rare (albeit possible) that a beautiful relationship can result from this turn of events; usually, though, the friendship suffers pretty badly and stands little chance of going back to how things were “before.”
…Plus 5 Guys You SHOULD Have Sex With
5. – The Older Man
There are certain psychological possibilities that should be examined before getting into a relationship with someone’s Gramps (such as, “Do I have major daddy issues?” “Is he a dirty old pervert who likes being able to control someone young and impressionable?” et cetera). You can’t help who you’re attracted to though, and older men can be appealing for numerous reasons: they’ve been there and done-that, and are less apt to play games; they possess wisdom and can offer different perspectives on life; after decades of practice, they know many different ways to please a woman in bed; and damn it all, men age better than we do! Regardless, he will be grateful to have snagged a supple young thing such as yourself and will sensuously bestow the sexual benefits upon your wrinkle-free body.
4. – The Lesbian
Okay, maybe I should have changed the heading to “people you should have sex with.” Nonetheless, I recommend having sex with a chick at least once in your life. (And not just a straight girl experimenting – there’s already one of you in the equation. She’s gotta be a bonafide lezzie.) Supposedly, no one knows your body better than you do, which is true…until you sleep with a woman who loves women. You will get off quickly, often… and thereafter raise your standards when it comes to men.
3. – The Stoner
Stoners give the best hugs, hands down. While being in a relationship with someone who constantly smokes pot can be an exercise in frustration, sex is a different story. Typically, they’re more involved in the sensual aspects: touching, caressing, going down on you for hours…all good things. Bonus points if you’re high too, as copulating will be a warm, meditative experience.
2. – The Nerd
The cartoon-watching, Halo-playing, comic-reading nerd is highly underrated in the sexual realm. There are some pretty hot geeks out there! Your breasts alone will give him a conniption fit, and it’s not a bad ego boost to see a dude’s hands shaking at the thought of touching you. Regardless of actual “skill” between the sheets, his enthusiasm and excitement will be contagious, making it next to impossible not to enjoy yourself. Sounds pretty fun, huh? Aside from the whole procreation-thing, isn’t that what sex is all about?!
1. – The Foreigner
Hooking up with someone who doesn’t speak your language is one of the best ways to ensure that you enjoy the experience for what it is without trying to turn it into a relationship post-orgasm. Without the aid of communication, it’s impossible to get tricked into liking someone just because they’re “nice.” A foreign dude could be a total asshole for all you know; in this scenario, you’re drawn to him by sheer animal instinct without the extraneous clutter of small-talk and pick-up lines. Flirting will be conducted via eye contact and smoldering once-overs. If gestures and body language are enough to kick-start intimacy, you will find that when it comes to steamy, earth-shattering sex, sometimes it really is best to say nothing at all… unless, of course, your Italian Stallion turns out to be a serial killer, but if you’re truly determined to get laid, that’s a risk you’ll just have to take.
[Originally published August 19, 2009]
Sex with a woman really does raise your standards when it comes to men… great post Britt
fantastic article,let the girls read this and make a good decision.
LMAO I’ll just say this post is as funny and spot on as I expect all of your stuff to be!
yes yes yes to nerds. dating one now. and weirdly? best sex of my LIFE.
always a good read. i am beginning to think you are some kind of sex maniac. LOL
I could go on, and on, and on about the stoner…mmmm hmmmmm! Combined with a pinch of nerd, and you've got one of a happy woman's best kept secrets.
have sex with a woman and compare it to having sex with a man? you're an idiot.