Dear whomever said that girls were made of sugar and spice and everything nice:

 

With all due respect, I’m not sure what serious mind-altering drugs you were taking when you came up with this outlandish and positively erroneous assertion. Permit me to set you straight. Girls are made of ice, cyanide, lemon juice, and pepper spray. They are made of lies, hair dye, hair pulling, and bronzer. Properly handling this complex and wicked species is akin to dealing with a domesticated wild cat. You may love and nurture and train this animal, and the animal may cuddle with you, and offer you companionship. But the feline will always possess the underlying desire to viciously mangle you and gobble you up at any given moment.

 

How does a person deal? One cannot avoid females forever. One must even engage in various friendships with other females in order to reap the few benefits that come with a close girl-girl relationship. It is impossible to constantly live in fear of getting stabbed in the back, but finding a balance between camaraderie and self preservation can be difficult.

 

The key to a satisfying and nonthreatening relationship is the simplest and yet most difficult rule to follow: Don’t talk about your fellow girlfriends to another friend. No matter how much you want to rant about that bitchy thing “Heather” said the other day, or about how you caught “Tiffany” checking out your boyfriend, you must keep your mouth shut for a few reasons. First, the girl that you are complaining to will always then assume that you complain about her to other people, and secretly foster a serious distrust of you. Within a group of friends, if girls whine about or criticize others, chances are they are nondiscriminatory.

 

In addition, any sort of gossip can be used as fodder for perpetuating an agenda or plot. It is common sense that any gossip you propagate can and will be used against you (maybe not in a court of law, but you get the idea)

 

There are a number of harmless yet fun conversation topics that will not only avoid you unnecessary drama, but put you in good standing with your fellow females. I have found that talking about weight and dieting is an infallible method to achieving a friendship with a woman. Nothing says “let’s be friends!” like a healthy dose of self-loathing. Another safe topic is men. Confiding in a girl friend about your boyfriend’s inability to commit or your raunchy sex life automatically builds trust and intimacy in a relationship, without the fear of getting turned on. Lastly, if you’re looking for something a little more substantial to discuss, world events and politics are perhaps the most innocuous yet intelligent way to build a friendship. A girl can’t exactly use your opinion on the health care system to ferociously stab you in the back.

 

Not all females are scary and heartless. Throughout the years, guardedness and keen vigilance will reveal those advanced members of the feminine sex who possess only the best intentions and the most trustworthy temperaments. These rare yet fabulous creatures should be treated with paramount respect and cherished forever (and never spoken about behind their backs).

 

So good luck finding a true girl friend. The first step on this journey is being the friend you would most desire. Honesty and loyalty will gain you the admiration of even the hungriest wild lions. But never cease to watch your back and keep your chin up. It can be a difficult and treacherous road, but one well worth traveling. 

• La Femme