I like to give my one hundred percent effort on things. If I take the time to do something, I want to make sure to do it to the best of my ability. However, there are times when I am faced with a challenge that does not inspire my desire to win. Running tops the list of such challenges. Learning technology is another. Case in point: Over the weekend, my brother offered to buy me an iPod so I can use it go running. I told him it was not necessary since I don’t run or know how to function an iPod.
Also high on the just-not-up-for-the-challenge list is sexting. Sexting, phone sex and anything that involves the description of sex, without the actual act is just really not for me. I know for long distance relationships it may help to keep things ‘spicy’, but it keeps me stressed, which is a bit surprising since as a writer, I should know how to be more articulate. But how many ways can I possibly describe what I’m wearing, that I’m horny and yes, I am ready for you to slide it in? Because we both know that is physically impossible from thousands of miles away. So who are we trying to kid here? It almost seems cruel.
Some may argue that Skyping is the next big thing to help bring couples closer together, at which point I would wonder if the person saying that has ever had sex before. You can be in the middle of a conversation and then your face freezes. You can’t hear the other person. They can’t hear you. Someone walks in the room. You cut each other off and then both wait for the other person to speak only to accidentally cut each other off again. This is bad enough when you’re just having regular conversation, let alone if you’re trying to turn the other person on.
In true selfish fashion, I don’t mind if someone wants to sext me or whisper sweet, dirty nothings in my ear. Truth be told, it’s kind of like getting a sex report card, a list of all the things you’re good at and all the things that said bedmate would like to try differently next time. I always have been a better listener than talker, so why should this scenario be any different?
Lately though, I feel that if I am to continue to try my hand (ha!) at this, I should use the Mary Katherine Gallagher monologue method. Instead of talking dirty, I would simply say, my feelings would best be described in a song by Ludacris. Then BAM! I would just play my burned CD with ‘What’s Your Fantasy” into the phone. (Yes, I said burned CD.) Or, sometimes a good instrumental can be effective with the proper oohs and aahs in which case, Janet Jackson’s ‘Throb’ might do the trick. And, if I’m feeling particularly naughty, I could always rev up the raw, animalistic sounds of ‘Closer’ by Nine Inch Nails.
At this point, I think he will determine that he does not want to hear a random medley of music blasted in his ear as means of foreplay and agree that there are some things that cannot be properly conveyed through mobile devices. I will be relieved of my duties and he and I can both revel in anticipation of the real thing. However, I will remain all ears, should he wish the talking to continue.
Author: Courtney Hartmann
