A few days ago, I went to go visit a friend of mine who teaches 1^st grade at a San Gabriel Elementary school. As I sat on a bench watching the kids enjoy their recess, I couldn’t help but notice how crazy kids have gotten. One kid was running around the field like he was high on Coco-Puffs and crack, another was kicking other kids in the leg until they started crying, and another kid was going around opening the other kids’ lunches and eating whatever he wanted. Now I understand that kids are suppose to be kids and they should run around and shit, but this was crazy. Kids were body slamming each other and guys were punching girls – it was like watching a scene from Mad Max. So as I stood there contemplating getting my tubes tied, this one kid walked up to me and in a wonderful British accent said, “I haven’t seen you here before, do you need me to help you find someone? I’m really good at finding people.”  It was amazing! He was polite and friendly, basically the exact opposite of every other kid on the play ground. He ended up sitting with my friend and I,  just chatting it up with us. I asked him why he wasn’t playing with the other kids and he said, “I don’t like going around terrorizing people.” Holy shit! Did you hear that? I came to find out that the kid (Eddie) was only in America cause his father was working on a project out here and once he was done they’d be heading back to England. So after hanging out and heading back home, I started to realize….I want to have kids with British accents.

I figured that I would have to marry a British woman in order to get this accomplished, but Pasadena is not really a hot-spot for British women. So I figured I would simply do the next best thing, I’d talk to my kids in a British accent until they reached an age where they couldn’t get rid of it. Then after months of therapy for why I spoke to them with a British accent they’d be golden. Plus chicks dig guys with accents, and girls with accents only become more attractive, so long as it’s not a Persian, Russian, Armenian, Chinese, Vietnamese, German, Turkish, Arabic, Korean, or Bulgarian accent.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Why the hell would you do that to your own children, you crazy ass bastard?”

The answer is simple: British kids can do no wrong. That’s right. No matter what they say, you can’t get mad at them.

You see, when a regular kid speaks English the shit’s weak. The child immediately sounds handicapped. But when a British kid says the same thing it’s as if your ears have been serenaded by angelic harps.

Let me give you an example:

Regular kid- Mom I totally just shit my pants.

British kid- Mommy I fhink I wet me knickers.

Regular kid- Mom why can’t I eat hamburgers? I hate you!

British kid- Mommy I do rather enjoy a good hamburger, I’m awfully angry with you mother, may I be excused?

Regular kid- Dad I’m pregnant and I’m keeping the shit so screw you.

British kid- Daddy I gots me a bun in the oven and I fhink the loaf’s arising.

Now how can you argue with that?

Kids these days have completely gone crazy. With the advent of the internet and video games, children are out of control. They talk back to their parents, go on shooting rampages in schools, and see dead people. But British kids are seemingly untouched by all of this. They’re well behaved and polite, but they still go out and act like kids. The only difference is that once you turn your back on them, they won’t shank you. Even if they turn out to be gangsters, they sound so regal and proper that you don’t even care.  The only trouble British kids get into is that they might get chased by hobbits, they might fall off their brooms playing Quidditch over at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, or they might start singing Chim Chimney Chim Chimney Chim Chim Cher-ee on the roof top of London. In the end it’s all good, baby.

Here are some more examples to further persuade you:

Regular kids-

British kids-

Regular kids-

British kids-

Regular kids-

British kids-

Regular kids-

British kids-

So take it from JohnnyD — if you want to have kids that sound bad ass, won’t stab you while you sleep, and kick it with Mary Poppins, start speaking to them in an English accent.

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