I am a San Francisco Lady; these are my San Francisco Games.

Game Number One

When wandering around the Tenderloin, I enjoy a rousing game of Human or Canine. If one happens upon a pile of fecal matter, one must decide if it was created by a resident of the street, or a pleasant little puppy. This, of course, is interspersed with avoiding used needles and plugging your nose on account of the overwhelming stench of urine.

Game Number Two

When cruising The Mission on a Saturday night, one can pass the time by playing the guessing game even Grandma will enjoy called Homeless or Hipster. Example, is that girl wearing black tights torn asunder to a point where they barely cover flesh, a pair of denim cut-offs that are so unraveled they’re practically a really stiff pair of underwear, a long sleeve flannel shirt with sleeves unevenly scrunched and rolled, rocking mismatched earrings that date back to 1982, dark nail polish that’s been partially chipped off by the contestant’s opposing hand, minimal make-up spiked by blood-red lips a la Courtney Love circa 1994, and of course the inexplicable accumulation of bibbelots and nick-nacks strung around her neck and wrists? Hard to tell, hard to tell. The secret is in the shoes. If she’s rocking a bitchin’ pair of boots she’s probably a hipster, however, if she’s sporting a pair of high-top Reebok’s with unevenly worn soles and duct taped toes without a hint of irony…well…then we have ourselves an unfortunate soul who requires your kind donation, but not your pity. Oh no, never your pity.

I’m trademarking these as we speak, so don’t even think about pawning these off as your own. Although, we are taking submissions for commercial jingles; please forward all entries to Vagabond Nic’s myspace page if you’re so inclined.

That is all.