Interpreting Female Bar Behavior

BY Courtney Hartmann, March 30, 2010

Have you ever wondered why girls can’t go to the bathroom by themselves? Obviously we can; we just don’t like to. Why? Because we’re talking about you. Girls are judgmental, gossipy, giggly and dramatic, and we talk all about it in the bathroom. Sure we don’t go only to discuss the important details of the night, but honestly sometimes the bathroom is the only place we can actually hear. It’s just part of our Girl Bar Behavior.

GBB is necessary for many reasons. For example, there have been many times when my friends have had to save me (and vice-versa) on the dance floor, when any sudden movement has caused strangers to place their hands on parts of my body only mentioned in rap songs. We don’t have to say anything to know when we need to intervene. My friend takes my hand and slowly pulls me away. This is our way of saying, No, I don’t want you to dry hump me. You don’t need to know my name or follow me around. I’m not Mary and you are not my little lamb. I’m sorry I even looked in your direction. It was a mistake. Get over it.

Then there is the GBB known simply as the ‘Eyes’. The Eyes are used if any of the following happens to walk through the door: ex-boyfriends, ex-booty calls, current booty calls, current crushes, or people we have to make the Eyes for because you just have to see what we’re seeing. If it’s a crush, then the Eyes are accompanied by big, obvious smiles and, in my case, my friends will alert me with a not-so-subtle announcement of, ‘Your (pseudo) boyfriend is here!’ that he undoubtedly hears. Which leads me to Dibs.

Dibs are called when someone in the group sees a hot guy and wants to stake a claim. But Dibs can also be called when someone in the group sees a guy very much not hot; wearing something including, but not exclusive to: cut-off jean shorts, leather vests, too much jewelry, high water pants. Pretty much anyone we are making fun of and want to alert you to, we call Dibs. I already said we were judgmental, what do you want me to say? Honesty sometimes is the best policy. But then again so is lying.

Lying at a bar is as common as praying in church. It may be done silently or out loud. Now depending on my level of intoxication, level of boredom or level of annoyance, my lies will range from name to age to location. On any given night, I could be a no-name, twenty-one year-old who just flew in from LA for reasons that do not need to be revealed, which is when the GBB line, “Don’t worry about it” comes in. If I tell you, “Don’t worry about it”, it means stop asking questions, or it’s just my way of telling you that I’ve been lying to you, but kind of feel bad now because you believed me and seem like a nice person. Lying has been very successful in scoring free drinks, as everyone wants to buy the birthday girl a drink. Whether it’s really my birthday, well, that’s secondary information.

Now, I believe guys refer to this next behavior as having a wingman. You are sent to play the role of the entertainer to the friend of the person that your friend is talking to; there solely to dispel any awkward pauses, tell jokes, say sexually inappropriate things and talk up your friend as much as possible without looking obvious, but also there to get needed details, in a subtle way, about the guy your friend is interested in. These details come much easier from his friend, who has become more loose-lipped, as we make the decision to take shots. And by we, I mean I.

And finally, there is the emergency ‘stop right there’ move. I like this because it cuts right to the chase. Sometimes, a guy will feel the need to do or say something that offends me in such a way that it stops me in my tracks. Literally. The ‘flow’ they’re feeling comes to an abrupt halt as I stop dancing, talking, whatever I’m doing to stare them in the face and ask them what they’re doing. I feel that by doing this, it will remind them of being scolded by their mother and no guy wants that. Or, in some rare cases maybe they do, which makes for a whole other set of problems.

So there you have it. You’ve all done it, witnessed it, will start doing it now. This is just a small taste of what’s really going on as you’re sipping your martini or chugging your beer. A stellar reason to get tanked if you ask me.