Even more late than Apple and BP’s excuses, it’s the return of “Is It Really That Bad?”
For those that have been following my Twitter, you will have noticed that I managed to find a copy of Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. You will also know that I put off watching it because I felt it would suck out all of the intelligence out of my brain. Lucky for you and I, it only sucked out a little bit of my intelligence. I really could not bring myself to watch it. I eventually got down to it and watched, so you wouldn’t have to. So without further adieu, the review of Death Bed.
Death Bed comes from writer/directer George Barry, who never made a movie before or after Death Bed. In the DVD, Berry claims that he had forgotten he had made the film and that now it had received cult status. Originally finished in 1977, it wasn’t released until 2003, and it stars, no one you’ve ever heard of, or ever will hear from, EXCEPT, William Russ in his very first film role. You may know him from his most notable role as Alan Matthews from the TV-show Boy Meets World.
Things To Know Beforehand:
Acting: Worst I’ve ever seen
Dialogue: Worst I’ve ever heard
Casting: Cows would’ve been better
Cinematography: Nice pans of the bed
Score: Typical horror film music
The biggest problem I’ve been having with this review is just how simple the plot is. Hopefully by reading my previous reviews, you can see how the plot unfolds by telling you what happens. Well everything is explained in the middle of the film from a flashback scene. There was a demon that took human form and created a bed. He had sex with the woman he was in love with that later died. The demon then cried tears of blood that fell on the bed, now making the bed possessed. The bed then decides to eat people. One victim is left in limbo, an artist. He paints a portrait of the bed and the bed leaves him behind the portrait, forever witnessing all of the bed’s victims. The only way The Artist can communicate with people is when the bed goes to sleep. Yes, the bed does go to sleep. Although, later in the film, it does more than sleep. That is pretty much all there is to it.
The film starts off with three friends, Diane, Suzan, and Sharon going to the country to get away from the busy city. The brother of Suzan is out to find her and bring her back home. The girls arrive to the abandoned mansion where Suzan feels sick and decides to go to sleep.
Sweet bed, take me to dream land.
She gets eaten. Done. Though, not before the bed masturbates to her as she undresses to get under the sheets.
The bed then proceeds to eat the bag that she left behind and drinks a bottle of ‘Pepto-Bismol.’ Apparently, white, brunette, and lean females can give you an upset stomach.
The other two friends attempt to look for Suzan when they see she is not on the bed. One decides to go into town, while the other stays and sleeps.
She gets eaten. Done. BUT WAIT! She manages to escape the clutches of the bed and tries crawling towards the door.
Then, Sharon hears Diane’s screams and returns to the house to find her in pain. BUT WAIT! The bed uses a curtain to pull Diane back to the bed, where he can finish eating her. Sharon is in a very shocked state and just sits in the corner while the bed falls asleep. Suzan’s brother then arrives to find Sharon sitting in the corner in a trance. The bed then pulls an eye out as the brother sees what is going on. He then attempts to stab the bed. Unfortunately, the bed manages to grab his arms and eat them. Though not completely, THE BONES ARE ALL THAT’S LEFT! He doesn’t scream, he’s just really shocked.
Well, I guess I can’t use these anymore. Oh well.
As he passes out, The Artist finally manages to communicate to Sharon. He tells her to form a figure 8 around the bed and outside as well. This creates a spell that transports the bed from the cellar to the outside garden. This, however, kills Sharon as the bed is now outside. The final piece of the puzzle is that the lover of the demon is now awake and must have sex with the brother. They do and the bed explodes.
The end.
This is typical B-movie horror, and you can’t help but laugh and not look away. It is absolutely ridiculous. The bed eats: priests, women, kids, gangsters, sex orgies, and a very old lady reading a magazine titled: “Oral Lesbians.” When I say old, she has to be, at least, 70-80 years old, reading “Oral Lesbians!” It’s terrible, it’s cheesy, and makes for one hell of a movie to watch on Halloween. That is, at 3 AM when everyone is either too drunk to care how bad this movie is, or passed out that they don’t actually have to watch it. If you manage to score a copy of this rare gem, don’t let it go!
Note: Also, don’t forget the check out the forums that launched last week. I want to know what you guys thought of Death Bed! Finally, any designers out there that want to create a logo for “Is It Really That Bad?” Please send them in. I want to see what you guys come up with!
Don’t forget the popcorn
Author: Dave
