More unconstitutional than Prop 8, it’s “Is It Really That Bad?”

This week, I may have found a film that is worse than The Hottie and the Nottie. You may be asking yourself, “is that possible?” Why yes… yes it is.

The film is Dirty Love directed by John Mallory Asher, who’s directed a few One Tree Hill episodes, though nothing big. It is written and starring Jenny McCarthy, yes, written by Jenny McCarthy. I missed that minor detail before putting the movie on. It also stars Carmen Electra, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Victor Webster, and Kam Heskin. How can a move with Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra be so bad? Well, they haven’t been known to be great actresses, so I guess it makes sense. Anyway, on to the review

I may be hot, but I sure can’t act my way out of a box!

Things To Know Beforehand:

Acting: Comedy is very specific and has to be well coordinated or it doesn’t work. No one here hits the beats, making the jokes fall completely flat. The pacing is all wrong and everyone here says their lines very awkwardly.

Dialogue: Goes on what I just said above. It comes off very unnatural and relies on “over-the-topness” to get its point across.

Casting: Jenny McCarthy is still damn hot. Carmen Electra on the other hand…

Cinematography: Nothing worth noting.

Score: Cheesy, predictable, again, nothing worth noting, except for a scene with the great Sum 41!

First Look Pictures

The film starts off with some old home movies of Jenny McCarthy’s character, Rebecca and her boyfriend Richard being a couple and doing couple things by the beach. We are now taken to the present day where Rebecca is standing on Hollywood Blvd crying her eyes out. Now a flashback to what happened the night before. Rebecca caught Richard having sex with another woman. Now back to the present, Rebecca, still crying decides to go to a fortune teller, played by Kathy Griffin. She tells Rebecca that she must find her “white pony.” Being underwhelmed by what the fortune teller tells her, she decides to call her friend Carrie to go shopping. Carrie, played by Kam Heskin, is the stereotypical blonde bimbo. She’s dumb, and… well that’s about it. Ugh.

As they’re in the shoe store, “shopping,” Rebecca remembers that she left a bunch of camera equipment at Richard’s house and doesn’t want to go over there to get them. She decides to call her other friend to pick them up for her. Her friend is Michelle, played by Carmen Electra, who does the worst imitation of an African American woman ever. Yes, Carmen Electra plays a “wannabe” black woman. Ugh. So Michelle breaks in to Richard’s place with John, another of Rebecca’s friends who is madly in love with her. As they enter, they find that Rebecca’s camera equipment is completely destroyed. Back at the shoe store, Rebecca decides in order to get Richard jealous, she must go to his fashion show with another guy. This is when Carrie goes to an audition and Rebecca accompanies her. Ugh.

At the audition, the stupid, dumb, blonde bimbo, gets the role because the directors are in love with her. The directors happen to be stereotypical, nerdy, Jewish guys. Hmm, I wonder why. Ugh. So Carrie believes that she found dates for her and Rebecca for the fashion show. At the show, surprise, Rebecca is miserable. So comes the time where she must make Richard jealous, so she puts her date’s head on her breasts. The date does not like this and throws up all over her chest. In an excuse for her to show her breasts, she goes crazy and rubs the puke along with her chest in a fit of rage. Ugh.

She goes to a diner with John, the guy who is madly in love with her, and he starts telling her about the bad people that Rebecca dates. John, is too scared to tell her how he really feels about her. She doesn’t get the hint and manages to find a guy at the diner and goes home with the random guy. Back at the guy’s place, he gives her ecstasy with some acid in it. He asks Rebecca if she likes to try “new things.” She complies because she’s completely high from the drugs. The “new thing” is the guy has a fish up his ass. An image I’m still trying to get rid off. Ugh.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!

After sleeping for a couple of days, she realizes that she doesn’t have any tampons, so she heads to the super-market to buy some. Author’s Note: I hope you can find the plot by now because I couldn’t. At the store, she can’t afford the tampons and must get the “Maxi Pads” because they’re cheaper. Unfortunately, her lady problem could not wait. In what has to be one of the most disgusting, and distasteful scenes I have ever seen, Rebecca bleeds all over the super market. Another image I’m trying to forget. Ugh.

I really, really hate you!

Later, Michelle, a waxer, waxes a guy who she thinks would be perfect for Rebecca. So the two go on a date where, surprise, she’s miserable. On their way home, she attacks him, which makes him swerve the car, and they get pulled over by the police. Because the guy was a magician, he somehow has C4 in his trunk. The police arrest both Rebecca and the date. At the police station they make them strip for a search. Again, a reason to get Jenny McCarthy in bra and panties. When Rebecca strips, she reveals her Maxi Pad. Ha, ha, ha, (insert big laugh here). Ugh.

It’s two weeks later and John is selling his guitar at a pawn shop. He gets about $3000 for it. Later he takes the girls out to the club, where Rebecca gets really drunk and finally confronts Richard. He tells her to fuck off and John punches him in the face. Still, Rebecca doesn’t get the hint. When Rebecca finally goes home, she finds brand new camera equipment from John. John arrives and still, Rebecca doesn’t want to date him. He gets pissed off and walks off. Rebecca goes out to find him, they talk, he gets mad and gets on a bus to get away from her, not before he gets his shoe stuck and leaves it behind. Rebecca attempts to take the shoe, out only to realize that the shoe is a white, Pony brand shoe. Do you get it? White Pony? The fortune teller told Rebecca she needed to find her white pony. Do you get it now? It’s fate! So she catches up to him and they kiss and there’s fireworks, literally, and the movie ends. Ugh.

I hated, hated, hated, hated, hated, hated, HATED this movie. There is little resemblance to a plot here. It’s like Euro Trip, only less coherent.  It’s a series of events that have nothing to do with each other, only done for shock value and end up falling short. Nothing makes this movie watchable. The acting is some of the worst I’ve seen. In comedy, the pace has to be quick and straight to the point. The pacing is all off, no one hits the beats and it’s like saying a joke and not hitting the punchline. This is terrible all around and please, don’t just watch it out of curiousity, just take my advice and AVOID, AVOID, AVOID!! Ugh.

I still can’t act my way out of a box, but I’m still really hot!

Don’t forget the popcorn

• Fin