Hello everybody!

Welcome to a new edition of, “Is It Really That Bad?”

This week we have a great film from writer and director Jack Perez. It was a straight to home video film that was released in May of last year and appeared on the SyFy Channel later in the year. What is it with bad movies in May? Last week’s Battlefield Earth was released in May of 2000. Oh well. It stars the great and established actress Debbie Gibson, billed as Deborah Gibson, the veteran actor who starred in the great, “Renegade,” back in the 90′s, Lorenzo Lamas, and also stars Vic Chao, as seen on the Fox TV show 24, and Sean Lawlor. It is a film that is 80 million years in the making! It is the one, and only, “Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus.” This is yet another film that was snubbed from the Academy Awards last year, I mean I cannot imagine why this was not released in theaters! /sarcasm

As the other actors are somewhat established, I will focus my attention on Deborah “Debbie” Gibson for now. For those too young to remember, Debbie Gibson became popular in the late 80′s and early 90′s with her singing career. She eventually had the number 1 single in the United States with the hit song, “Foolish Beat” at the age of 17. According to freebase.com, ”She held the title of the youngest artist ever to write, produce, and perform a Billboard Hot 100 No. 1 Hit Single until 2007, when the rap artist Soulja Boy wrote, produced, and performed ‘Crank That (Soulja Boy)’ at 16 years and 11 months.” It also worthy to note that she posed for Playboy in March of 2005. Author’s Note: They’re pretty good! She had her success in music, but her film career has not gone quite as well. This marks her most “successful” film to date, if you want put it that way.

So without further adieu, the review for “Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus.”

Things to know beforehand:

Acting: Hilarious

Dialogue: At times, hilarious. At other times, cringe worthy. At other times, *facepalm*

Casting: Odd, but with a film like this, you take anyone you can get.

Cinematography: dreadful

Score: Cheesy

So the film starts off with a camera shot of ice capped mountains and obvious stock footage taken straight out of the Discovery Channel of fishes and sharks underwater. A helicopter seems to be doing sonar testing on the Alaskan coast. Huge glaciers seem to be melting off. Underwater, we are introduced to Debbie Gibson’s character, simply known as Emma. She is piloting a mini submarine with a partner. It wasn’t until half way through the film that I realized what her actual job was. Apparently she is a scientist. I had no idea, she is wearing low cut tops the entire film. I sure would have changed my major if I would have known all scientists looked like this. Anyway, as she is navigating though the ocean she notices that a family of whales is heading towards their direction. The helicopter above drops an object that is not explained. We’re supposed to think it’s bad because it screws up the helicopter’s systems and falls and crashes into the water. Back underwater the whales are going crazy and crash into a glacier wall. The glaciers break off and reveal a frozen giant shark and octopus mid battle. Emma thinks she is seeing things and decides to leave the area before the whales attack the mini submarine. The giant shark and octopus come alive and swim off.

Now we are taken to an oil refinery, where some workers are having dialogue that is so forgettable that I honestly do not remember anything they said. Luckily, the script is so bad that whatever was said during this scene does not further the plot. As these workers are blabbing away… OH SHIT A GIANT OCTOPUS ATTACKS THE OIL REFINERY!!! One worker manages to look into the eyes of the beast. He is mystified!

On a California beach a dead whale has washed on shore. It has wounds all over the body. The dead whale is surrounded by, what I assume are scientists because they are wearing white coats, as if that’s the only way to make a scientist known. The whale is also surrounded by what Emma calls, “suits.” The “suits” are not explained. Are they FBI? CIA? NSA? Sea World? For the rest of the film I assumed they were Sea World secret agents, it really does not make a difference to the rest of the plot anyway. Emma takes a look at the dead whale and finds an object on the dead whale and extracts it.

Now we’re in Tokyo where a man is in an interrogation room and is being questioned by Vic Chao’s character, the other scientist, Seiji. For a scientist from Tokyo that speaks perfectly well English, he sure does have a stereotypical name. Anyway, Seiji is questioning the only survivor from the attack at the Oil Refinery. The man sketches what he saw, it appears to be an octopus.

The next scene is quite possibly one the of most awful, awkward, and hilarious scenes I have ever seen on any film. EVER. Condor Airlines is flying through a storm. The turbulence makes some of the passengers a little nervous. One particular one especially because he is getting married in 2 days. What does that have to do with anything? You’re right, nothing! When all of the sudden… well I won’t spoil the surprise see for yourself!

Ellen now meets with her old professor Lamar, played by Sean Lawlor, to discuss what she found on the whale. They figure out that it is a tooth from a prehistoric animal. Seiji, arrives in California to investigate, and by no explanation at all, appears to be friends with Lamar and Ellen. They head to Lamar’s home to do more investigation. A weird package comes in and inside is a CD with a video from the mini sub incident from earlier in the film. The video shows, coincidentally, a mega shark and giant octopus. So as the three are working in Lamar’s house, Sea World secret agents break in and take all three into custody. They are taken to an interrogation room where they are questioned by Renegade himself, Lorenzo Lamas as Allan

Allan is an overly racist character and says things so offensive that they aren’t funny because of: A. the delivery is all wrong, B. the line is all wrong, and C. too offensive to be funny. Allan says he’s an “equal opportunist racist,” um… huh? His “racist remarks” come off as facepalm moments that are completely unnecessary and highly offensive.

My interests include: commanding people, Sea World, racism, and motorcycles

All you need to know from here is that Allan wants the 3 scientist to come up with a plan to defeat the creatures… they do, there is a cliched love scene where Seiji and Ellen hook up, and the only way for the octopus and shark to be defeated is if they fight each other because the military doesn’t have the weapons to defeat the creatures. I’m sure Oppenheimer would certainly disagree with this theory. You guys want to get into the meat of the film: THE MEGA SHARK AND GIANT OCTOPUS FIGHTING TO THE DEATH! Unfortunately, it’s about two minutes long and the bad CGI makes it look like a scene from Boogie Nights.

Pretty much something like this

In the end, the octopus wins. It is very strange because the entire film is focused on the shark attacking everything, but then again the whole film is quite strange. I really didn’t like this film because it takes itself too seriously. I know, with a title like “Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus” you’d think that the film makers would be in on the joke. Unfortunately, everyone is quite serious and everything about this film is atrocious. I would definitely say that you should go out and see it for yourself anyway. The laugh out loud moments alone are worth the 88 minutes of your life. Like when the shark attacks the Golden Gate Bridge. Yes, I just said the mother frakking shark attacks the mother frakking Golden Gate Bridge! Also, definitely check it out for the cheesy acting, and looking at a still really hot Debbie Gibson for an hour and half helps ease the pain.

I age like a fine wine

• Fin