Even more late than Jessie James’ excuses, it’s the return of everyone’s favorite column:
Is It Really That Bad?
This week we have XXX. Now, I will say that at one time, I quite enjoyed this film. I was 13 years old and watching explosions, cars, and hot women appealed to me. It was a quite enjoyable popcorn flick. Then I remember really not liking it as I got older. Then, I didn’t watch it for years. I remembered it being very boring from the last time I watched it. So, when I decided to watch it for you guys, I thought to myself, “Oh dammit! I really wish I could just watch a different kind of XXX film and review that for you guys.” So I put the lotion away and put on XXX.
I really do want to watch your movie instead
XXX is from director Rob Cohen, who’s other films include, The Skulls, Stealth, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, and quite possibly his most successful film to date: The Fast and the Furious. XXX was the following film Cohen directed after The Fast and the Furious and stars Vin Diesel as secret agent and thrill junkie Xander Cage, and Samuel L. Jackson as the boss Augustus Gibbins. It was supposed to be a new spy film for a new generation of Mountain Dew drinking, extreme sports watching people. Well they managed to deliver that one way or another. So let’s get on with it.
Things to know beforehand:
Acting: What you’d expect from a popcorn flick
Dialogue: Cheesy at times, though again, see above
Casting: Vin Diesel type cast as a bad ass? I bought it
Cinematography: Some great shots of Czech Republic, though everything seems so closed in
Score: Nice mix of techno, thrashing metal, and nice orchestrations
The film starts off with a 007 type agent trying to break into a club. He manages to kill the front guard and steal a device. He goes in but is spotted. The owner of the club, orders his men to kill the agent. The agent is out of place because he is in a tuxedo in a hardcore metal music concert. Author’s Note: If you’re a secret agent, why would your employers give you bad intel about the location you were going? Shouldn’t they have told you, that you were going to a metal concert? Hmm. Anyway we get our first glimpse of Yorgi. He is obviously a bad guy because he orders the kill and gets the device back. Back in Virginia, Samuel L. Jackson as Gibbons appears and says that too many agents have died trying to get into Yorgi’s organization and that they should try a different approach to it. He says that they should recruit convicts and criminals. Ok stop right there. Instead of a highly trained government agent, who has had years of military training, they want to use a common theif. Once you have that wrapped inside your head we can move on.
Sorry, you’re not quite qualified to kill terrorists
Now we meet Xander Cage. He hates authority. He steals a politician’s car and throws it off a bridge. He’s so bad ass. Well the government and Gibbins recruit him for an assignment. They send Xander to Columbia for a test except Xander isn’t supposed to know it’s a test. Well the Columbian government tries to destroy a cocaine farm with Xander in the middle. It really is just an excuse for him to get on a Kawasaki dirt bike in the middle of nowhere in Columbia to do EXTREME jumps and EXTREME jumps with EXPLOSIONS! Well he passes the test and is sent to Czech Republic to investigate Anarchy 99 at a club that they own. He stays at a safe house with an agent of the Czech military. So he goes to the club and goes to the bar and orders a Cranberry Club Soda. A Cranberry Club Soda. One more time, a CRANBERRY CLUB SODA. Bad ass, jumping off exploding buildings, EXTREME sports junkie, orders a cranberry club soda. I won’t judge so we’ll move on.
What? It’s delicious
He goes to talk to Yorgi about cars he wants to buy. The accountant Yelena acts very cold towards him. Xander is intrigued by her. Hmmm, where could this be going? So they bond and party the night away.
Xander now needs weapons. Here we are introduced to a Q type character from the 007 series. This is a movie about EXTREME so he can’t be old. He is a young guy straight out of college and corny as hell. He introduces Xander with a revolver with a bunch of darts. One particular dart interests Xander, a blood splatter dart. A dart that makes it look like someone was actually shot by a real bullet.
Well a couple of days pass and Yorgi gets Xander’s cars. Though the Czech agent was spying and manages to get spotted. In order for Xander not to blow his cover, he must go after him and kill him. Xander shoots the agent with the blood splatter dart. Yorgi now welcomes him to Anarchy 99. At another club Xander tries to hook up with Yelena but resists. The party now moves to Yorgi’s house and X stays the night. Early in the morning, he sneaks out of his room to do some recon, only to be surprised that Yelena is doing the same thing. Uh Oh! Where is this going? He takes Yelena to lunch where he reveals to her that he’s really a secret agent. Yelena is actually undercover as well for the Russian military. Yelena gets a call from Yorgi saying that X is an American agent and must be killed. X wants Yelena’s knowledge, Yelena wants a way out. So Yelena helps him escape a sniper and the movie continues.
X is told by Gibbons that they have found out that Yorgi is in the biological weapons business and must be stopped. X goes back to Yorgi Bear’s house undetected to find out what is going on. He finds out that Yorgi has a biological toxin and plans to release it to the entire world. Xander gets mad, but is quickly spotted and manages to escape with EXTREME EXPLOSIONS!! Now Xander must take him down now! So to block Yorgi Bear’s communications, he must destroy the communication tower. So instead of bombing the place, he decides he’s going to jump off a plane and snowboard down, cause an avalanche and that is how he is going to destroy it. Did I mention X is bad ass to the EXTREME??!! Once again, X gets captured and escapes the clutches of Yorgi Bear. Long story short, he escapes with Yelena, kills the bad guy, stops the weapon and ends up in a beach.
I can save the world, a quarter mile at a time
This film is actually not as bad as it sounds. It is quite the enjoyable popcorn flick. It is filled with cheap jokes, plots that don’t make sense, characters that have no purpose, but that’s ok. EXTREME EXPLOSIONS are the reason you watch a film called XXX. Is it really that bad? Actually, no it isn’t. Would I avoid the sequel with Ice Cube? DEFINITELY. I think it’s quite funny that in the second film, they went out of their way to explain the death of Xander Cage, yet a third film is planned with Xander Cage. Umm? Oh hey look EXTREME EXPLOSIONS!!!
So EXTREME
Don’t forget the popcorn.
Author: Dave
