I was laying around on a boring Tuesday evening the other night and decided to skim through the TIVO (space was low). I stopped on an old episode of 60 Minutes, and no I’m not eighty years old I just like to stay informed.
This episode featured a story that really got me thinking. I was introduced to a woman named Ivy Davis. Ivy Davis was about sixty years old and from the looks of her less than perfect physique she had not left her front porch in the deep south for a hot minute.
Ivy was not exactly what you would call a ‘catch’. At least on the outside…no wait, she was ugly on the inside too. You see Ivy had decided her lousy, fat, dead beat husband had to die.
So with the help of Ivy’s boyfriend on the side ( yes, Ivy has two lovers) she set up a meeting with the local hitman to get the job done.
The meeting took place on Ivy’s porch (where else) and plans where made. Little did Ivy know, the hired hitman was not that at all but an undercover cop who was tipped off by Ivy’s, apparently, somewhat law abiding boyfriend.
The meeting was captured by a hidden camera that the cop was wearing. The video showed Ivy going through the list of reasons why her husband should no longer exsist. Nowhere on the list was there any mention of abuse, physical or otherwise.?He also seemed to be faithful, no reasons for Ivy to suspect any infidelities.
His crime that Ivy deemed punishable by death were mainly that he was nothing but a “fat, slow, good fer’ nothin’ sloth.”
So with no signs of remorse Ivy set her price and mapped out the details of how she wanted her husband’s fatal ‘accident’ to play out. And trust me when I tell you her plan was on the level of any of history’s great capers, as you can imagine. I believe it had something to do with “Just push him down the stairs and if he don’t die, beat him.” Genius, such a beautiful mind.
Ivy was sentenced and served her time. Soon she was released back to the comfort of her front porch, leaving me with a few questions.
For one: which one of your friends is the one you go to when you need a hitman? Finding someone to kill a human being isn’t exactly listed in the book. Think about the person you know that you trust would not turn you in and is shady enough to probably know a killer. Now ask yourself why the hell you know this person. Then never talk to them again, they are not cool.
Another blank this story has left me with is about the power of true love. You see, once Ivy was released you would think she would be out on the street right? Wrong. Ivy’s loyal, simp of a husband took her back . Yes, somehow the breathless charm of toothless Ivy was too powerful for him to resist. Apparently, back in his heart and on his porch is where she will stay. However he may think about stepping up his game before the next time she feels like breaking it off, things could get awkward.
Lastly I ask myself why… Why does Ivy f-ing Davis have not one but two men in her life and I can’t do better than a cheap bottle of vodka and the gay guy that lives on the other side of my apartment (hey Brett.)
Please Ivy, porch goddess, teach me. And for the love of God don’t have kids.
