About 4 or 5 months back, Tiger Woods’ kicked it up a few notches and told everyone that not only was he the best golfer of ever, but he was bangin’ broads like it was Nineteen Ninety— Whatever year where a lot of broads were banged.

**It’s the Thuggish Ruggish Boooone…**

So, I get a call from my agent: “Hey, we’ve found another celebrity you can interview.”

Me: “Perfect! Who is it, Denzel? Kate Hudson? Hugh Hefner?”

Agent: “Even better… Jaimee Grubbs.”

I said the same thing you’re probably saying: Who the fuck is Jaimee Grubbs? I didn’t know either, but I was ready for a challenge.

Through my very extensive research (google), I found out she was Tiger Woods’ mistress, she was on Tool Academy… and that’s pretty much it.

Once I got in touch with her people, they gave me a list of rules I would have to follow if I was going to sit down with her:

“Number One, no touching her.” I don’t know why they think I would do that… They then pointed out two former interviews. Namely one where I had my pants off for Lauren Conrad and one where I tried (and in my mind was successful) to seduce Kate Gosselin at Olive Garden.

“Number two, be professional”

“Totally… totally. Professional is my middle name.”

“OK… well you need to be-“

“It’s actually, Hamilton, I’m sorry…”

“Huh?”

“My middle name… it’s Hamilton. Not, Professional, I’m sorry.”

They broke down where to meet, what time, how much time we would have, and then they reiterated the “be professional” shtick. They pointed out other times where I didn’t turn my ringer off with Jon Gosselin, and slandered his wife about having another kid.

I pointed out the fact that they can go fuck themselves. In actuality, I said, “Totally. Professional, even though it’s not my middle name, I’ll be it.” Here we go:

(We meet at her office in Hollywood.) Jaimee Grubbs, I’m John MacGregor. If you wouldn’t mind, telling my readers a little bit about yourself, since let’s face it… they probably don’t know.

Well, my name is, as you said, Jam—

Oh, your Indian name is, Asyousaid? (shuffles papers) Fascinating. I was wondering what your ethnicity was… Ah, yes, right here it says your ethnicity is half Cherokee Indian half Minority… Very exotic.

Uhm, no… not at all. I’m Native American and white.

Hmmm…. I don’t… see that… (shuffles papers) Says here you are a “professional TV reality star.” Tell us about that…

Well, I was on Tool Academy with my ex-boyfriend Shawn.

Ohh! I love love love that show! Tell me, off the record, what was Tim Allen like? Did you actually get to see Wilson’s face? Or was it hidden behind that fence? Oooh, this is juicy!

I don’t really know what you’re talking about…

Tool Academy. Tim Allen? Johnathan Taylor Thomas? Cummon Jasmine Grubbs, you were on the freaking show, for crissake!

It’s Jaimee, and I think you’re thinking of Home Improvement… that show’s been off the air for a while now.

**Home Improvement: Best Show Ever? Or Greatest Show of All Time?**

(Disbelieving look, crosses something off papers) Ok… well, not really buying THAT, but we’ll move on… You were on the cover of RALPH magazine, I’ve never heard of it… Tell us about that.

Yeah! That was a ton of fun. A lot of cool poses, the photographers were really nice, and I got to visit Australia, that’s where the magazine is based out of! It was a blast! (Big cheesy, yet very hot, smile).

Obviously, nobody cares about Australia… considering this is America, Land of the Free, Home of the Boston Red Sox, just like in the pledge of allegiance. So we wont even discuss this whole (air quotes) “Ralph Magazine” thing…

Well, isn’t that (pointing to the magazine) the magazine right there?

Oh, I’m sorry… I didn’t know YOU were interviewing ME. That’s so weird… I coulda sworn I was doing the interviewing here. I’m not the one that slept with Tiger Woods. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to doing my job. Is that cool with you Joyce?

Jaimee…

OK. Good. So you had an affair with Tiger Woods, tell us what THAT was like. We want details.

Tiger and I had a relationship that lasted the course of 31 months. It was actually more than an affair in my mind. He told me he had feelings for me that he had never felt before. And, honestly, before this whole situation I truly felt I was the only woman.

…….You felt you were the only woman?

If you were there alone with us you would understand what I was talking about.

Huh… You didn’t think it was weird that he always had a blonde woman around him he commonly referred to as “his wife”?

**Tiger Woods and his mother… or maybe his Chauffeur. Either way, he’s definitely not fucking her.**

I mean, only woman besides her. I didn’t think there would be 15 other girls that would come out after this whole thing happened.

And by ‘thing’ you mean… sexual intercourse?

Well… yes…

I’m having a very hard time believing you right now Jackie Grubbs…

Jaimee.

Wow. Honestly? I don’t even know who I’m interviewing anymore. First you’re on Tool Time, and then you’re not. You’re on some “magazine” based out of Afghanipakinotamerica. You tell me your name’s not Jackie, then it is Jackie. That’s why I come prepared… I have decided to strap you into my very fancy lie detector test here that I borrowed from the set of Maury and see exactly WHOM I’m interviewing. This is why they pay me the big bucks ($0).

Fine, put me in, I have nothing to hide.

(One of her assistants strapped her in to the machine. I didn’t like this, her people might have compromised it, but since my assistant was not there, due to me not actually having an assistant, I obliged.)

You know how these things work right?

Yes.

(The needles don’t jump) Well look-y here, Miss Lies-A-Lot might not be the direct descendant of the Balloon Boy’s father after all. OK… Is your name Jackie Grubbs?

No.

(Needles don’t jump) See, I can see your nose getting smaller every second, Pinocchio. Must be easier to not have to keep tangling that web of lies huh, Charlotte? (Yeah, that’s TWO children’s movie references in one post. Yes, kids. It’s possible…) OK… Did you ever sleep with Tiger Woods?

Yes.

(Needles don’t jump) Scale from 1 to The scene in the notebook where Ryan Gosling kisses Rachel McAdams in the rain then he performs coitus to her, how hot was it?

**…Don’t act like you didn’t watch it.**

Aren’t you supposed to ask Yes and No questions?

Ha…Ha… Phew. OK. I’ll just go ahead and call the magazine and tell them Jared Grubbs is gonna be interviewing me now. THEY’LL LOVE THAT!! Let me be clear: I’M. DOING. THIS. INTERVIEW! Not you! Now answer me! 1 to Scene-In-The-Fucking-Notebook! GO!

I guess I’d say it was a 10.

(Needles sort of jump) Ha! Yeah. That’s laughable! Big ol’ liar here folks. Next question, if Tiger broke up with his wife, how many minutes would it be until you’re at his house grabbing your ankles?

Sleeping with Tiger was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and I wish I could take it back, even though all of my fame came after people found out I had an affair with him, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without him. I still regret it…

(Needles going haywire) I’m extremely surprised that your pants aren’t engulfed in flames right now. Ladies and Gentlemen! The hottest liar to ever weave her web on this earth, right here! Next question… If you could sleep with any golfer on this planet, or in this room sitting next to you, who would it be?

I wouldn—

KeepinmindIplayGolf. GO!

I don’t really know any golfers…

I may have mentioned that I play golf. In case you were wondering, that counts… soooooooo… Now answer the question.

I’m sorry, I wouldn’t sleep with you. I’m in a committed rela–

Its cause I’m not black, isn’t it?! RACIST! RACIST! RACIST ALERT!

(Suddenly, her people bust into the room.)

“What the hell are you doing, John? I thought we said Be Professional?!”

“And I thought I told you… That’s not even my middle name!”

Author: John MacGregor

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