Last Monday, or Friday, or Wednesday, I can’t remember, I got a call from my agent. He or she, I can’t remember, informed me that I needed to fly to Pennsylvania as soon as humanly possible to interview Jon and Kate Gosselin, the stars of the hit TV show Jon and Kate Plus 8.

“I’ve never seen the show. But I’ll do it… for my fans.”

“You don’t have any fans,” my Agent told me, “and you seriously need to do it right this time, LC’s people were all really pissed off about your interview with her.”

(That interview can be read here.)

“Oh yeah, hey P.S. on that, are there any messages for me from Lauren Conrad? Specifically regarding me penetrating her mouth in the bed of my truck outside of Chuck-E-Cheese?”

*Dial Tone*

“Heeello?” Ah well, I bet his office didn’t have great service, I thought to myself.

If you’re not familiar with J&K+8, they are a couple who have 8 kids and apparently millions of people tune into their show every week. Some of the things they cover on the show are: teaching the kids to recycle, teaching the kids to play nice, teaching the kids not to shout racial epithets on camera.

I desperately wanted to do a great, if not a mediocre job. So I flew to Pennsylvania and sat down with two of the world’s greatest procreators since The Wayans family. This will be a 2 part series since Kate is too busy promoting a book she didn’t write; some call that “ghost-written”, I call it being an “untalented-idiot”.

But let’s move on. I sat down with the father, Jon Gosselin. You’re welcome everybody.

Hey Jon, good to see you. My name is John too… but I spell mine with an H. How ironic is that? Hahahahaha!

Yeah, I know. Pretty common name though, so…

I just think it’s weird you didn’t opt to put the H in there. That’s all I’m saying.

Well, I’m actually named after my grandfather who is a retired-

Suddenly, my phone rang, and my Jamie Foxx ringtone was on full volume. We’ve all been there.

No, not at all. I’m just curious as to why you don’t answer it. Or maybe push silence or something?

There’s a silent button on this thing! *Blame it on the Henny, Blame it on the Vodka* You’re fucking off your rocker if you think I’m believing you for one second! *A-A-A-A-A-Alcohol*

No, there is. I swear, let me show you.

[I handed Jon my phone, and he pushed the side button effectively turning off my (fucking awesome) ring tone.]

Hot damn! Look at that, the person is still calling, but we don’t hear the tone! Oh wait, it’s my Mom, I better answer it.

Ma? Yeah… Nothing, just interviewing some guy with like a million kids… I think his name is Jon… (to Jon) Jon, Right?… Yeah, it’s Jon… Of course, plus 8!… No I haven’t met the kids yet, I fucking hate kids… What? No I’m not going to ask him if he’s cheating on Kate… Actually, that’s probably a good question… I’ll ask it later when I’m on his good side… I have to go Mom.

[I hung up my phone]

Sorry about that Jon. You know how moms get, all pushy and shit. It’s always blah blah blah, just being a straight up nagging cunt. You know what I’m talking about, I’ve seen the show… you’re married to one!

*Sigh* Huuuh, well we’re actually going through a pretty painful divorce right now. I made a few mistakes in the past, we both have, and it’s hard you know? [Jon begins to choke up, his eyes well up with tears] Having your whole life televised, you don’t realize the stress that raising 8 kids, dealing with fame. It just becomes a burden and you’re struggling to keep your marriage going. [Jon gazes down on the carpet, a single tear falls from his face] I’m sorry…

What? Oh, I wasn’t listening to any of that. Dude, that silence trick was genius man. Where did you come up with that?

I didn’t really come up with it, it’s kind of a known fact.

Hm, well, I don’t know about that. That is SO something you would know too! You’re like McGyver… if McGyver fucked up and had 8 kids. But hey, OK, let’s get down to the REAL interview, those first couple minutes were crazy. So, you have 8 kids, what’s that like?

It’s tremendous. I love them with all my heart. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I mean, yeah of course it’s difficult at times, but that’s just like any good thing, you know? I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

I hear you, I commend you for having so many, I can’t even take care of myself, let alone 8 kids! Phew, fuck that. How do you manage to not accidentally leave one in the car on purpose?

People always ask me if I ever get them mixed up, but I say if you love someone enough you can tell the difference between them.

[8 kids who look exactly alike.]

Right, I don’t mean like mixed up, I just mean like say one of them is really pissing you off on the drive to Target. And it’s like a hot summer day; what drives you to not leave one in the backseat with the windows rolled up?

You’re not a parent. If you’re not a parent, you don’t really know how hard it is to raise a child. Although we have 8 kids, I love all of them equally.

But let’s be real, this is off the record too, just me and you, mano y mano, best friend to best friend, let’s just hypothetically say that two of those little rascals falls into a well, and you can only save one of them, which one do you save?

I would rather save both of them in exchange for myself. Because, I don’t think I could live without all of my children.

Exchange yourself? Jon, they’re BOTH in the well, they aren’t being held at gunpoint. I guess that question was too confusing, we’ll come back to that. I read on Wikipedia that one of your children has Down Syndrome. Ugh, what a drag that must be. But I guess you get to park in front of Disneyland, so that’s cool!

None of my kids have any sort of mental disorder.

I beg to differ Jon, take a look at this picture. You might find this a bit startling, some would say… SOBERING!

It’s a family picture, tell me that kid in the middle there, the sunken eyed Pygmy, doesn’t have Down Syndrome, or at the VERY LEAST, cerebral palsy! Out with it, Goss!

I promise you, all of my kids are perfectly healthy babies. You need to broach a different subject, or this interview is over…

OK, Jon… That’s my bad. Sometimes I get a bit excited, and I’m taking classes for that… But let me ask you something, do you think when your kids get older they’re going to just hate your guts for giving them GIANT foreheads?

Seriously man, you could do a god damn ollie off those bad boys! I think I saw Tony Hawk bust out the 1080 off that kid with the glasses. On movie night, do you just shine the projector on that kid to your left? That kid’s got circumference! I’ve got some bumper stickers I can stick on that girl’s head who’s sitting on Kate’s lap, if you want to make that thing less noticable.

Those are my angels! My babies! You piece of shit! You’re fucking nobody! Just a fat, low self esteemed idiot who needs to feel better about himself. You can’t find any sort of joy in this world so you have to make fun of my kids? Huh, mother fucker?!! I’ll fucking end you right now! Those kids are my life, you fuc-

*Blame it on the booze, gotcha feelin’ loose* Oh.My.God. Jon… this is also my badsies. I am SO embarrassed right now. I can’t effing believe this. *Blame it on the A-A-A-A-A-Alcohol* FUCK! You know, you try and be professional… Wait, Jon… where you going?! *Blame it on the henny, blame it on the vodka* I still need to ask you which kid you would most likely sleep with! HYPOTHETICALLY, OF COURSE!

[Tune in next time, where I interview his wife Kate. In that interview I reveal how exactly she had sextuplets, I reveal her devastating disease which almost stopped her from having babies, and of course... I will get her to try and have sex with me.]

• The Telly