Well, as we expected, I ruined the interview with Jon Gosselin. And since that interview, Jon has been plastered all over every magazine that sits atop gum and candy, with his new girlfriend. Coincidence? I think not.
And, right next to that cover is a picture of Kate Gosselin yelling at her kids. Or those same kids looking like prisoners of an internment camp.
So, since Kate has nothing going on for her now except 8 assholes ruining her life, I decided to take Kate out for a dinnerview. That’s what we in the bizz call an interview that is done over dinner.
I wanted to wine and dine Miss. Gosselin, show her how real men treat a woman, show her a good time, and hopefully we can do what I always do after a date: she’ll watch me crawl on all fours dressed up like a baby.
I knew the location had to scream: class and elegance. I needed her to know that I wasn’t some shmuck who doesn’t know how to bag a classy lady. So I took her to the one place I knew she would get wet in the panties for:
I am there waiting, in a 3 piece Armani suit. Kate walks in the door, wearing jeans, a baggy sweatshirt, huge sunglasses and a baseball cap under the hood of her sweater.
My slacks already don’t fit as well as they used to.
Wow! Kate, you look amazing. Kate Gosselin everybody!!
Shhh… No, go sit down in the back, I’ll meet you there. I can’t have people knowing I’m here.
Oh, right. Because of the tabloids, you don’t want them outing us just yet? I get it… I get it. It’s all politics.
I find us a table in the back and order drinks. Kate still has not arrived.
(to the waitress) Right, OK, first things first. For me, I’ll have a tall strawberry daiquiri, with extra strawberries. And Miss KATE GOSSELIN! Will have a water because she’s pregnant with a 9th child, OHMYGODTELLEVERYBODY!!!
The waitress leaves and Kate makes her way to the table.
OK, Lets get down to business.
First of all, the only reason I’m doing this is because Jon did it, and I don’t want the tabloids thinking I’m some sort of stuck up bitch or something.
Well, they already think that, but I totally understand. My first question is… Will you be eating breadsticks?
Oh… Uh, I don’t know I haven’t even look–
Because I will need one full basket to myself. So if you think you’ll need a breadstick I suggest you order your own, because sharing isn’t caring.
I probably won’t have anything, I want to make this short, I have to talk to my publisher after this.
Right… your publisher for the book you’re writing. Tell us all about that.
Well, I’ve written a few books actually, one is called ‘Multiple Blessings’.
OH! HAHAHA OK… OK… OK… I see what you did there with the word ‘blessings’. HAHAHAHA. My god, so clever… HA… HAHA… HOOO…
Right… and it’s basically just my tale-
BECAUSE YOU HAVE 8 KIDS!! HAAAAAAA
At this point I put my hand on her knee and stare longingly into her eyes… well actually her forehead, because she wasn’t making eye contact with me. I think there might have been something in her contact lenses.
OK, so let’s talk about your ex-husband Jon. He’s with a stripper now, and according to every magazine cover ever, you don’t like her. I’m curious as to why?
I was happily married to Jon for 9 years, we had 8 kids together, and then suddenly he becomes a different person, and then runs off with some 22 year old stripper? Why else would I not like that women?
I don’t know… I thought maybe you were mad because she is hotter than you are.
No, I think she is a home wrecker and now our kids are going to have to deal with having two separate Mom’s because of her.
Well according to our sources, it was YOU who broke up the marriage, and it was YOU who cheated on Jon. Let me just pull out a very scary picture, take a look at it and see if it doesn’t jog your memory….
Is this, or is this not, a picture of you on vacation with another man?!?! ANSWER ME!
No, it’s me at the beach with my son.
Oh… Well, I apologize then for getting so worked up. It’s just (I put my papers down, and get serious) I really want to have some serious sex with you. And it’s like, I feel like I need to be passionate about something when I’m in the presence of an extremely passionate women like yourself. It’s like… when I see pictures of you giving your kids black eyes, and slapping them with ping pong paddles… I seriously grow a life size boner for that shit, Kate.
(long pause.) I just feel like you are the only one in this world that hates kids just as much as I do. And if you could just get naked–
Wait… I don’t hate my kids.
Right… like you don’t “hate” them. But this is off the record. Tell me, the last time you slugged that little ugly one right in the kisser… Before you do that, I’m going to need some of these, (I grab a few napkins), with me under the table… this could get messy.
I’ve never laid a hand on my kids!
Bullshit, what about this?
**The battle cry of a demon child**
Cummon, give it to me straight, you ever taken a frozen coat hanger to any of them? Ohhh, god… What about just shoving one down and then dumping a full garbage can on it? Oh my god… This is bliss… Holy jesus, the gum under the table is sticking to my balls, but I don’t care… it feels too good!
**KIDS! Go gather mommies beating toys… Leah forgot to do her chores. The faster you go, the less you’ll get beat after.**
Those pictures are false. The media turns things around and takes pictures whenever they feel they can turn something into making me look bad. I would never, EVER, lay a finger on my kids.
(in shock) What?… Really?
Yeah, I love my kids.
(jerking off slower now) You mean… the same ones you had with Jon? Those idiots with barnyards for foreheads?
Every one of my children are beautiful to me, I love them with all my heart.
(slower now) You mean… you ACTUALLY like them?
(Kate seems like FINALLY, someone gets her.) Yes!
(stopped completely) And you DON’T make them sit in the bathroom with a tub full of bleach? While you openly mock them outside the door for being ugly?
No, my kids are my everything. I would never part ways with them, they are everything I have.
… … … (zips pants back up) Gross.
Suddenly, dozens of paparazzi storm in.
“Kate Gosselin! Is it true you’re pregnant with a 9th child?!?!”
“Are you and Jon really over?”
“Who is this guy? And, is he jerking off under the table!?”
Well, I was! But not anymore
(to kate) And you can have ALL the breadsticks now, bitch!
——Oh, hollywood… the only place where shitty mothers get book deals, TV shows, and millions of dollars.
