I had the pleasure of sitting down and interviewing Lauren Conrad from The Hills. I would say, it was a huge success, and I got a lot of great information about the show, and about where Lauren Conrad is going to take her life after The Hills. Enjoy…. I know I did.

So Lauren Conrad, may I call you Lauren Conrad?

You can… or you can call me LC. That’s what EVERYONE calls me! Hehehe!

Why?

Because my name is Lauren Conrad… it’s my initials!

…

[awkward smile]

So Lauren Conrad, I am a religious watcher of The Hills. And my first question is: Fuck Heidi.

That’s not really a question. That’s more like a statement.

OK. Fuck Heidi?

No. Well, I wouldn’t say that; she’s just… not my friend anymore. There’s an old saying that the British have: ‘Sometimes you don’t get to be friends with everyone’. And I feel this really applies to our situation…

Our situation? Like me and you?

No, me and Heidi… try and listen…

Do you think we’ll ever have a situation? Like involving me and you, some nudity, and some REM playing out of my alarm clock? Maybe some turkey, and some Excedrin PM?

I don’t think so. But back to Heidi and me, sometimes you have to let the ones you love go. And that’s just the way life works. (Cute shrug)

Lauren Conrad, you’re so deep. My favorite part about The Hills is how you are always passing out unwanted advice to everyone. Have you ever thought about becoming a psychiatrist? You know… if this whole television thing falls through, which I’m sure it wont because people (including myself) eat The Hills for breakfast lunch and dinner.

I actually have been told I should be a psychiatrist, maybe I’ll do that when I retire, but my real passion is fashion.

And rhyming obviously.

I didn’t really mean to do that.

Before I go on, I just want to tell you… I’m so hard right now.

… I don’t really know what to say to that.

Nothing needs to be said Lauren Conrad, let’s just share this moment together…

…

…

…

OK, So Lauren Conrad, I’ve noticed that you always have the ‘I need to take a dump’ face. Tell me, when was the last time you made #2?

I don’t understand the question…

(Notice the eyebrows pointed inwards, and her smile isn’t all that big. It’s because if she stops clenching she’s going to shit all over some sort of designer table cloth)

Don’t play dumb with me, SHREW! You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about! WHEN WAS IT!

(Openly weeping) OK! OK! It was Season 2 of Laguna Beach. I did it at Steven’s house and that’s why he broke up with me! AHHhh!

It’s not something to be ashamed of Lauren Conrad…

Like I said before, please just call me LC.

Whatever. That is what makes you desirable as a woman. Men don’t like women who poop. That book ‘Everyone Poops’? Yeah, that’s a myth. Don’t listen to them, you doing this is a positive direction for the female species. You are a pioneer. And I love you. So.fucking.much.Oh my GOD, I can’t even stand it.

(Wiping tears and smiling now) Really?!

Yes. My dream is to one day have you file a restraining order against me. I will then be able to die a happy man.

I don’t know… that’s a definite possibility. Because you are very, VERY creepy. Why are your pants off?

It’s hot in here.

Well that’s because the thermostat is set to 97 degrees.

Oh. I definitely didn’t plan that at all in hopes of getting you to take some layers off. So let’s move on. What are your thoughts about Audrina’s boyfriend Justin? I think he’s kinda cool…

I think he is a scumbag, a player, and he doesn’t treat Audrina the way she needs to be treated.

I totally hate him too. But Audrina is kind of a slut, right? She has been quoted to say “I just want to sleep with multiple men without having the commitment of a relationship that goes beyond someone penetrating me from behind.”

I’m pretty sure she never said that. She is a good girl, who just gets hurt a lot. She always goes for the wrong guys.

I want to hurt her. So bad… Oh my god… the image of her getting ran over with my car is making me close to messing my pants up…

Are we about through here?

…with jizz.

I need to go eat at Cobra’s and Matadors or some sort of other expensive place so I can talk to Stephanie about her shitty life as an ugly space cadet who can’t bag a boyfriend because she is not as good looking as any one else on the show.

Oh my god… I’m seriously going to bust right now.

I’m leaving.

No… Ughhhh. Don’t go. Ughhhhhhhh. Fuck… It’s all sticky now.

Author: John MacGregor

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