I went into GNC today for a supplement stock up. While shopping around, this fat women walks in; she wasn’t chunky, she wasn’t thick, she was FAT. The kind of fat person you see driving down the road eating a Big Mac, while messing with the radio, and flapping her pie hole into her phone.

She had this expression on her face, one that you would probably see on a professional lemon sucker; all scrunched up and bitter. She was toting a giant 7Eleven cup full of what I can only imagine was a slushy, or perhaps blended donuts. Her attire consisted of sweats, a zip up hoodie, and these slipper/shoe contraptions that were probably designed by fat people who wanted to leave the house but didn’t want to cram their huge jimmy dean toes into a nice pair of shoes.

It was at this time I heard this conversation. I swear to god this is not a lie; this is what was said between her and the guy who worked there.

Fatty: Which one of these diet pills works the best?

GNCGuy: Well, that all depends on what you want to do. Like how do you want to lose your weight?

Fatty: You mean like exercise?

GNCGuy: Yeah… Like do you want to build muscle-

Fatty: No, I won’t be doing any exercise.

GNCGuy: Oh… OK. Well these still show some results when used with the proper diet.

Fatty: That’s not going to happen either. I’m just going to be working on my computer at home. You know… I just don’t want to eat as much.

The rage and shock that simultaneously filled my body was enough for my head to spin and make flashes of white light pulsate out of the corner of my left eye. I was going to run up and kick her in the stomach, but I didn’t have any socks on and didn’t want to walk home with one foot bare, because I was pretty sure her stomach would have swallowed my shoe. I couldn’t believe what I just heard:

This women thinks that there is this magic pill out there that’s going to allow her to sit on her Volkswagen size ass and eat only HALF of a box of Oreos, and she’ll somehow–by some divine miracle–lose weight. The fucked up part about this whole ordeal was that, not only was she too lazy to get off her chair and walk off some pounds, but she took it another step further and was too lazy to even administer some self control and just NOT eat everything. No, she wanted a pill that was going to make it so she would be UNABLE to scarf down Cheetos by the pound.

And with this, lies just how lazy America has become.

You used to have to go down to a pizza place and grab your order yourself.

Now, you can order pizza THROUGH YOUR TELEVISION. That’s right, you can go into your tivo and place an order; thus allowing you to not even have to get up to find a phone.

Fast food places now have burgers the size of desktop PC’s that can be stuffed directly into your mouth via the fast food window.

You can’t open a magazine without seeing various headlines of:

“Kirstie Ally’s diet secret!”

“How LC dropped 15 pounds!”

“The best way to lose weight… WHILE DRIVING!”

Just as soon as they get thrown on the shelves, fatties like the one above snatch it and absorb it like a god damn Shamwow (which is the best thing man ever created by the way). They think there going to open it up and read about how Kirstie Ally sat around watching Home Makeover while fat dripped off of her; or how LC found out that semen is a great fat burner.

I’ve decided to release my secret to weight loss. Finally, the REAL secret is revealed; prepare to have your minds blown.

John MacGregor’s Secret to losing weight REVEALED!

1) – Stop eating like shit.

2) – Exercise.

That’s it. Two steps.

Now, only at this point will things like diet pills, protein powder and physillium husk work for your benefit.

Now, some may argue that things like The Hollywood Diet and meth do in fact help you shed the poundage; but once you drop these habits, the weight will pack on faster and with serious vengeance.

I don’t want to go into a huge boring ordeal of what exercises to do, and what foods to eat, because frankly nobody cares, and Seinfeld is about to start so I’m going to have to cut this short. If you want to know, browse the internet and search on what foods you should and shouldn’t eat. Then go to the gym, and emulate what others are doing. It’s really that simple. You’ll pick up little tidbits and other things in aiding your weight loss along the way.

One last thing, some people might say. “John, how can you know SO MUCH about losing weight? Are you some sort of guru? Do you read a lot of health books? Are you close friends with Richard Simmons?”

Let’s just say…

• The Telly