No one gives a shit about your Google phone.
If you can’t stop talking about your new “apps” on your Google phone, then you need to stand front and center so I can rearrange your teeth. I’m tired of hearing people talk about the Google phone like it’s the best thing ever invented since Alternating Current. It’s a shitty phone with so many useless applications (or “apps”- for the ball gargling halfwits out there who can’t say “lications” because that would be SO last semester.)
Let’s run through the Top Ten Android Applications for your Google Phone and You!
Tukewiki: This app provides karaoke on the go, providing lyrics to YouTube videos.
HOOOOLLLYYYY SHITTTT. How did I ever live without fucking tunewiki at my disposal? I remember when I was with some friends recently, and I pulled out my unoriginal and gay Sprint Muziq, and I started streaming a Youtube video of The Spice Girls when they were performing in Japan. I began singing along:
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta zip up yo pants! Making fudge forever, the chocolate never eeenddss!”
All my friends then go: “Dude, those aren’t the fucking words you belligerent idiot! Get the fuck out of the car! If you can’t sing the Spice Girls correct, then you can walk BITCH!” They then shoved me out of the car on the freeway, where a car full of nuns swerved into a puddle and sprayed me with muddy water. As the car pulled away and all the nuns middle fingers were waving out the window at me I began weeping, and screaming. “WHY COULDN’T I HAVE TUNEWIKIIIIIIIIIIII! AHHHH!”
E-Ventr: Keep on top of all the events and functions you and your friends are attending. E-Ventr will automatically text your pals with an event reminder.
Spank my ass and call me Chewy! I know can finally stay on top of all my pals and make sure they show up for stuff!!! OMGOMGOMGOMG *cumming in pants!*
“Hey pals! Don’t forget we have that circle jerk session this weekend! Hunter, it’s your turn to host it! Billy, you get to be the pivot man! Be there or be an L7! I’m just kidding pals, Loves you!”
I think I remember my phone having something like that too… Oh yeah, it’s called a god damn CALENDAR. If you really have trouble remembering you need to be at Billy’s Dinner party and you need to bring Tuna tar-tar, then I have a better idea: DON’T FUCKING GO! It probably wasn’t that important if you can’t remember. Instead of remembering anything, ever, just trust your friends at Google to invent an application so you can be a non contributing mouth-breather and continue flinging your own feces at the wall.
Barcode Scanner: Use the G1′s camera to scan the barcode of items such as CDs and books, and this service will find the cheapest place to buy that product online, as well as use the phone’s in-built GPS to give a list of shops and prices in the local area.
So let’s picture this scenario for a second. You are in Barnes and Noble, you are staring at a copy of Martha Stewarts latest book, The Martha Rules: 10 Essentials for Achieving Success as You Start, Grow, or Manage a Business, priced at: $21.19; your subconscious begins to scream at you:
“Don’t be a sucker! Check and see if your latest app agrees that this is the cheapest you can get this book! LOL”
So you take out your trusty Google phone, type in your password to unlock the screen, open up your applications folder, scroll past E-ventr, tunewiki and the hundreds of other useless apps you have clogging up your phone. You get to Barcode scanner, you scan the book across, and it doesn’t work the first time so you scan it again, and again, and again, and again, until it finally reads it. Then you wait for it to come up with the cheapest place to find it online, and a list of stores around you that might have it for cheaper. After 2 more minutes of waiting, your phone says you can buy it on Amazon for $18.21. You throw the book at an old women’s face, storm out of the store and go home and order it on Amazon. After shipping, your full total comes to $30; it also says your book will arrive in 7-10 business days.
You don’t realize that you spent MORE than what it would’ve in the store, and will get it to you in more time it would’ve actually taken you to read it had you bought it at Barnes and Noble. You forgive the Barcode scanner for costing you money and wasting your entire day and jerk off onto the screen while listening to Jazz music.
Telegraph news app: Get the latest news, sport, finance and travel headlines pushed straight to your mobile phone. Keep up to date with world events at the touch of a button.
As I’m writing this I am just amazed at how handy these G1 phones are. Because I know that when I’m sitting home watching For the Love of Ray J, I want to get up to the minute reports on the war in Iraq and updates on how Barrack Obama’s stimulus package will effect me and my job over at the grocery store.
Turn on the fucking news if you want these kinds of updates! If you’re in your car: radio. If you’re on the computer: less time facebooking, and more time going to CNN dot com.
Ecorio: Use this application to track your carbon footprint and learn how to live a more eco-friendly existence.
I wont even validate this one with a response. I have absolutely no idea what to say. I just heard the words “carbon footprint” and “eco-friendly existence” in the same sentence. It makes me want to donate money to starving children while lighting candles instead of turning on my desk lamp. I hate everyone who has this application.
Shutter Speed: The G1 has a three-megapixel camera, and this app helps to get the best out of it by allowing you to tweak and adjust settings.
A Guy who bought a G1 goes into the T-Mobile store; this is the conversation that ensued:
Guy: “Hey man, I have 2 questions. Number one: I have this pretty radimanically awesome 3 mega-pix camera, but I really want to adjust and tweak the settings, because I feel this camera can be more awesomegatron than it already is. Is there like a settings menu? My old phone had a settings menu where I just went in and adjusted it… I couldn’t find one here. Where can I find this menu?”
T-Mobile: “Hold on dude, I’m downloading a killer new app where I can read pick up lines that other people post.” [which is an actual application] “OK, well, I hate to break the news to you, but you can’t actually adjust the settings directly… you have to download an app for $2.99 in order to be able to adjust it. Sorry man.”
Guy: “That’s OK. Number two: If I was to drop to my knees and shove my lips further into your ass, would you be able to send me the link so I can get that sick pick up line app?”
My camera doesn’t work, because I stepped on my phone; but when it did work, I didn’t have to download some application so I can turn flash on and off.
WikiMobile: All the power of Wikipedia, in mobile form. You’ll never be stuck for answers at a pub quiz again.
Another shitty app that is completely useless. If someone asks me a question, and I have to go to WIKI GOD DAMN PEDIA (in killer new mobile form!) to find the answer, I would appreciate it if someone would shove my face directly into an oven, then set it on broil. If you’re taking a quiz, and you go into your phone and look up the answer, then you’re a CHEATER! If you’re not smart enough to participate in a pub quiz without having to look up all your answers, then stick to something your own speed; like going into rest stop bathrooms and sticking your eye next to the holes in the wall.
Panoramio: Overlays Google Maps with local photos taken by other Panoramio users. Brings unfamiliar places to life.
I had to first go to DictionaryForHaloPlayingRetards.com to look up words like “overlay” and “unfamiliar” before I could accurately judge this app. But it sounds like… when you go to the Grand Canyon you can take a picture of it, and then store it in this app for others to see. Then let’s say someone wants to go that place, they can then look into the app, and see pictures that SOMEONE ELSE TOOK. This in turn would bring an unfamiliar place to life? In the time it took you to do all of that, you could’ve been on your way to the fucking Grand Canyon.
Is this what the world is coming to? “I don’t want to break away from my World of War Craft game long enough to leave my house and check out the beautiful, amazing world I live in; so I’ll just download this app, and live my life vicariously through fellow G1 users until I shrivel up and die a lonely virgin with hemorrhoids.”
These are the same people who move out of their parent’s house at 31 years old and move two blocks away, because god forbid they learn how to do their own laundry. I hope all you people go blind and have random people shit on your bed because you won’t be able to see them.
PhotoStream: Flickr addicts will love this app, which syncs their photo-sharing account with the G1 and allows users to instantly upload snaps to their Flickr stream.
Jesus has answered my prayers! I was so tired of not being able to “instantly upload snaps” to my awesome Flickr stream that only me and my one armed girlfriend follow anyway. High five babe! Oh, you can’t because you only have one arm, and the other one is too busy downloading the app where you can turn your phone into a shotgun and it goes “KAPOW!” whenever you aim it at someone. [another ACTUAL application].
It’s OK, I’ll just go high five my buddy Ted. I wonder if there is an app for that too… I’ll look. But first… I need to look up pictures of Ireland. I want to go, but there’s really no need know with Panoramio, because now unfamiliar places are so familiar!
Pac-Man: Utterly pointless but addictively entertaining, this game will keep you occupied during those lonely hours on the commute into work.
So… you’re telling me… that I don’t have to pay attention to the road anymore? I can just play pac-man on the drive to work? The G1 phone is my new best friend!!!
OBAH-OBAH-OBAH-OBAH.
I JUST ATE A FUCKING BLUE GHOST! AND HIT A PEDESTRIAN! I hope there’s no cops around that saw that, I’ll check that app where people mark down if there are cops nearby. [another useless application]. Because why follow the fucking law when I can just live my life via these killer new Google Phone apps?!
Suck it Google Phone users.
JM
Author: John MacGregor
