“Dude, are you going to see The Watchmen?”

I heard that from everyone the entire two weeks before The Watchmen was supposed to release in theatres. My answer was always a variation of:

“Fuck no.”

“Hell no.”

“No. Not ever.”

“I’ll be busy listening to Nelly’s debut album: Country Grammar.”

I had absolutely no desire to see The Watchmen. Not even the possibility of seeing Malin Akerman

in a hardcore sex scene with THREE glowing, computer generated, Blue Man Group extras

was going to get me into a car headed towards the movie theatre.

Well… needless to say, I went; mainly because my only friends were ALL going to see it, and what am I going to do? NOT see it? And then have nothing to talk about the rest of the night? Yeah, that sounds about as entertaining as watching a One Hour Carlos Mencia special.

There is nothing worse than sitting around a group of people, listening to them talk about a movie they just saw. They reminisce about a certain part, while you sit like a big sweaty chode sipping on an appletini (or: Madori Sour). What’s even worse is, they try to explain to you the certain parts that they were laughing at, and then after a long winded explanation of the movie, they say, “You probably had to be there”, (or: “it was funnier in the movie.”)

I’m not even going to give another review of this movie. (Even though I reviewed Benjamin Button, like 4 months ago. A horrible piece of writing, I must say. Still unsure why I thought I was any good, then or now).

But here are 2 points that can help you better understand The Watchmen.

It was longer than fuck. Seriously, 3 total hours. That’s unreal. I don’t even want to watch two Asian lesbians scissor fight for 3 hours, let alone watch a bunch of ridiculous made up characters prance around in tights.

It had the WORST sex scene in history- The sex scene will only give up it’s title of “Worst Sex Scene Ever”, if the Muppets ended up making a G-Rated porn with some sort of moral to be learned after it. Which would be two-fold retarded:

1-The Muppets don’t have genitals, I ripped the pants off of my Miss Piggy stuffed animal only to find a whole lot of uneventful nothing in place of what I thought was going to be… well let’s just not talk about what I thought was going to be there.

2- The only lesson to be learned after you watch porn is: Computer virus’s take a back seat to the possibility of seeing the Never Before Seen Michelle Obama porn. And that’s a FACT!

The aforementioned sex scene, was between Malin Akerman and some guy whose name I don’t feel like looking up. It was in some blimp of a superhero mobile; and they made fucking to the tune of “Hallelujah”.

…

(Pause to induce vomiting)

Let me reiterate: They forehead to forehead made love while we had to endure the music styles of Leonard Cohen! Then they ruined the climax, by cutting away and watch the front of the blimp shoot out a massive fireball.

First of all, fuck Leonard Cohen. Second of all, the only thing that sex scene did for me was make me jealous that I don’t shoot fireballs when I climax; that would be nothing short of remarkable, for both me and her.

I was pretty much done with The Watchmen after that, it didn’t really leave that bad of a taste in my mouth, and hadn’t thought about it until today.

I was perusing through my old e-mails and found an e-mail I sent off to the Press Enterprise. It was a response to an Instant Movie Review they wanted from people who saw The Watchmen. I sent it off, what I thought was, a spot on review. I knew they were going to be tired of the standard San Bernadino county answer of “I like movie. Movie make flashes, and go Boom.” And no matter how much I dogged on their ‘blockbuster landmark movie”, I figured if I sent off a good review with key points they might publish it. I didn’t realize, that if you just sent them words, they were probably going to publish it.

Here is the actual article. And here it is in full, with my thoughts about other peoples reviews in italics to follow:

By FIELDING BUCK
The Press-Enterprise

Superheroes are being bumped off in “Watchmen,” and the film was slaughtered by many critics.

Ultra-violent, ultra-iconoclastic and ultra-long, “Watchmen” wears controversy like Superman spandex.

All but one moviegoer who wrote “instant reviews” for PE.com, however, loved it. [That's ME! I'm all but one. I love being all but one. Why be one of all? When you can be all but one? If that isn't going to be on bumper stickers in two weeks, I don't know what will.]

Many were fans of the graphic novel on which “Watchmen” was based.

Here are some of their thoughts about last week’s $55 million-grossing, box office-topping film.

Cecilia Rodriguez, Yucaipa: ” ‘Watchmen’ lived up to my expectations after reading the book, however, I got the very strong feeling that I was among the rare few to have actually read the source material of the movie. … I predict that ‘Watchmen’ will taper off in ticket sales as it appeals more to those familiar with the comic than the novice who knows nothing about the characters or its story.”

[Novice? This isn't mini-golf, it's a movie. Get your head on straight, and realize that it's a movies job to develop things like "plot" and "characters" and not just assume that everyone is an Intermediate level like you, Cecilia.]

Chuck Abernathy, Riverside: “Some loving homage to the dreamlike noir-style and score of Ridley Scott’s ‘Bladerunner’ really worked for me. Gloriously choreographed fight scenes put them just short of the class of ‘The Matrix.’ The editing down (some might say ‘dumbing down,’ but that would not be accurate) was carefully done, and with the exception of the ending of the film, did not created jarring diminishment of the experience for me.”

[Holy Giant-Useless-Words Chuck! I'm going to skip past the fact that your review made less sense than a depressed high school girl's book of Haiku's and go straight to this gem: "except for the ending of the film, did not created (sp) jarring diminishment of the experience for me." Usually if the end blows, that's the ultimate "jarring diminishment"... Tool.]

Sydney Moore, Temecula: “The key characters were phenomenally cast, and the portrayals given by Jackie Earle Haley and Jeffrey Dean Morgan could not have been any better.”

[Sydney from Temecula, you're probably hot. So, your review was spot on, and you are also extremely intelligent and interesting. You can find my MySpace page through this site. I love Sex and The City, unless you don't... then I totally hate it too. Maybe we can go see a movie and instead of writing a review stating obvious things like good casting, you can give me a handsie in the back.]

Kevin Harkins, Lake Elsinore: “The actors are all good, but Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach is fantastic. A gripping emotional performance that got to the heart of my favorite character.”

[IS fantastic? He's still fantastic Kevin? Or he WAS fantastic? I love how he tries to sound like a true fan by stating that Rorschach was (or is) his favorite character, he probably listens to Jazz in his living room and watches CNN just for fun, because he likes being different. I'm done with you Kevin... Go wine tasting or something.]

Kris Cordova, Corona: “If Brad Pitt was the lead, everyone would be focused on his great body instead of the plot and story line. Jeffrey Dean Morgan was great. He showed that he can leave ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ behind. … He was so dark and twisted in the movie. I believe he stole the show from all the other actors.”

[Kris, you're giving Corona  a worse name than it already has. First of all, we all gathered that your screen saver is Brad Pitt in Troy and you stare at your screen until your retinas catch fire, that you watch Grey's Anatomy thinking: "I wish Jeffrey Dean Morgan was darker, yeah... darker, and more twisted, I want more twisted, Ughhhh; and also that you... like everyone else just reiterated that the characters were good. Not only do we think you're gay... but now you're stupid. I will never tell people I'm from Corona again.]

Louie Lujan, Riverside: “The special effects were good; nothing was blown out of proportion.”

[I wasn't expecting much from you Louie... I really wasn't, seeing as how you were from Riverside and all. So you using a semi colon actually made my nose start to bleed... with joy of course. Rock on Louie.]

John MacGregor, Boston: “The costumes were cheesy, almost plastic pieces of masks, goggles and leather pants. They only thing that could’ve been a saving grace was if they took it all the way and added a giant ‘POW’ OR ‘KAZAM’ every time one of the heroes punched someone. Then at least it would’ve been congruent with its corny plot and low-budget costumes.”

[All but one... mother fucker.]

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