*DING DONG*

“Who is it?”

“It’s Sharon!” replies the unfamiliar voice.

I peek in the eye hole. “Maybe my parents know her… She is asian,” I think to myself.

I open the door.

“Hi! I’m Sharon! You don’t know me!” she walks up closer, popping my personal space bubble, a wave of freaked out panic moves throughout my body. This girl is all too excited to be talking to me. I don’t like weird situations with strangers and this girl trying to act like a sweet innocent teenager. She’s probably like 23 or something.

“Um….”

“Are your parents home?”

“NO!”

“Oh… Are they like… Sleeping or something?”

“No, they’re at work,” lie, big fat lie. You’re the freaky chick popping up at my door at 9 o’clock on a Sunday night when I’m trying to enjoy my show.

“Oh. Well we’re trying to raise money for this scholarship. Do you like reading?”

“NO! I don’t have time to read,” another fat lie. I do have time. I just don’t want to read whatever YOU’RE trying to sell me.

“Oh, well do you like DVDs?” she hands me some low budget Jesus movie.

“NO!” Haha by now I’m completely down for making this chick feel like crap. Serves you right for bugging me.

“Well this DVD is only 43 minutes!”

“Sorry but I don’t like religion and I don’t want it.”

“Oh!” By this point I’m about ready to shove her off my porch. “This DVD is perfect for you, and it’s only $10. It was made for unreligious people like you to learn about God’s grace and…”

“NO. I DON’T want it.” I shove the DVD back to her, popping her personal space bubble and probably stomping on all the courage this poor girl has.

I slam the door, close the blinds and turn off the porch light.

Are you kidding me? Why do people think it’s okay to run around and go door to door trying to sell useless forms of religious unentertainment? I’m so sick and tired of boys in white collared shirts and black Dickies on bicycles coming to my door on my days off. I’m tired of people telling me that finding God will bring complete and udder fulfilment to my life. I’ve been going to church since I was born. I obeyed my parents and sat on my tongue until I was old enough to form my own opinion about my relationship with the big man upstairs.

I don’t like religion, I don’t like the two faced people of the congregation. Let’s cheat on our wives numerous times, go to church and stand before God and ask for forgiveness, and then do it all over again. Let’s teach our children that if we keep royalling fucking up, as long as we ask God to forgive it, all is right with the world and we can keep messing up our lives and the lives of others.

It doesn’t work that way with me. I won’t stand for that. I apologize if I have offended others, but in the United States of America we’re all entitled to our own opinions and the same goes for religion.

What have we learned kiddies? If you’re going to come to my door, you better be selling some girl scout cookies!