Ladies: Want to date a douche bag? Ready to jump into the dating pool of losers fit for a Halo convention?

Finally! The list of things you can do to avoid dating me, and other awesome guys out there.

1) Be boring.

-The boring girl, when asked what they enjoy doing for fun, says: Hanging out. They also might say: fun things.

Really? You like doing FUN THINGS for fun? I usually enjoy gnawing on my fingers for enjoyment… weird. This person is easily dispensable. Literally, they have no qualms with being shoved into a trashcan, because they are too boring (read: quiet/weird/possibly a murderer) to speak up about their likes and dislikes.

Sometimes, in an initial meeting you can not distinguish whether a girl is going to be boring or not. Like for instance if the initial meeting is in a chat room, or if you were too drunk to remember meeting her; which recently is how I met a girl, who I later took to a movie. This is what ensued:

Me- What movie do you want to see?

Boringkins- I don’t really care… whatever.

Me- How about Benjamin Button?

Boringkins- Sure…

Me- Are you just saying sure because I said it, or do you really want to see it?

B.Kins- Hehe uhh… I don’t know, I like all movies.

Me- How can you like ALL movies??

B.Kins- ZzZzZzZzzzzz…. (She fell asleep because she was stationary for more than 15 seconds, also because she was tired from thinking too hard.)

This is about the time I walked to my car and left her out in the cold to make her skip her indifferent, indecisive ass home; it didn’t matter to her because she probably likes ALL forms of transportation.

2) Have entirely too much to say.

-This girl as opposed to Girl Type #1, if you took her out to dinner and asked what she enjoys doing for fun, unravels a scroll that extends the length of a football field and begins listing off- in a VERY enthusiastic (ear piercing) tone- every activity they’ve ever done in their entire life.

“I like: Biking, watching TV, shopping, checking the mail, waking up, brushing my teeth, taking a shower, getting out of the shower, putting my clothes on, putting makeup on, eating cereal-”

“Wait… Are you just listing your morning routine?”

“-doing my hair, driving to work, listening to music-COUNTRY! WOO!-Going to Starbucks-FRAPPUCINO! WOO!…”

I’ve found that at this point it’s best to throw your water glass onto the floor with a loud: HIYA! (The same sound you would make when round house kicking someone… we’ll get to that later.)

This way it will startle the girl out of the rant of her FAVE things to do; then while you have her silent for a few seconds, you have two options: You can do the immature thing and go to the bathroom and sneak out the window. Or you can be a responsible, mature guy, and walk directly out the front door, stealing the complimentary mints on the hostess podium. Either way… win win.

3) Be fat.

…and a bitch. The two separately are not positive points for you, but when combined, you can be sure the only person who will want you is your neighbor with Down syndrome, or your online lover: CutieWitABooty. I want to be clear, being fat and cool as hell isn’t detrimental; no one should ever be an outright bitch, but seeing this shitty attitude attached to a massive body is only above having an arm growing out of your face.

4) Be a picky eater.

A quick way to land yourself back into the singles division is to order your hamburger with ketchup and cheese only; or to pick off the olives that fell onto your side of the pizza. Being allergic to foods is one thing, but making those scrunched up faces reserved for when you walk into a construction site port-o-potty and poking at your spinach with a fork is just entirely immature (gay) and is not tolerated.

We don’t want to feel like we’re eating food with a seven year old who only orders corn dogs and ham sandwiches. Having a wide range of food you enjoy (not to be confused with girl #3) and a strong pallet usually means you have experienced a variety of food, and are up for trying out new things (ie: food, activities, role playing… it’s science.)

5) Be a psycho.

“But John, that’s so obvious! We know not to be psychos! I can’t stand girls who are crazy like that. I’m totally laid back and just go with the flow, and like to have a good time. Haha silly man… thinking that we don’t know NOT to be a psycho!”

Fast forward to one week later: The same girl who said she was laid back and went with the flow is now calling your phone from 4 different numbers, leaving you voicemails telling you she is going to murder your cat if you don’t answer.

That literally happened to me. This girl called me screaming–because I left her at the movies (yes, girls can be in more than one category) — that she was going to murder my cat; the next message asked me if I wanted to go see Marley & Me with her. “It looks soooo romantic!” I wouldn’t have believed her, but I really do have a cat, and she had never been to my house.

How she knew? I probably told her, or she is a stalker. I’m 75% sure it is the latter.

She rolled up to my house toting a pitchfork and a 2 x 4 lit on fire. I was forced to be nice to her to get her to lower her weapons, and baited her with a trip to the frozen yogurt store (psychos LOVE frozen yogurt). I waited until she was vagina deep in a cup of strawberry, and then blind-sided her with a round house kick to the face. She never saw it coming, because of my lighting fast speed, or the fact that she was snorting her frozen yogurt. This time I’m about 80% sure it is the latter.

6) Tell the guy you’re saving yourself for marriage.

Nothing gets a guy harder then having to date a girl for 2 years, proposing to her at Disneyland, spending his life savings on a ring, going into extreme debt planning the party (wedding), and having to deal with your shitty parents before he gets any play.

The only guy you might land is a Mormon; but even they have limits. I know they probably get back from those year long missions humping anything with a heartbeat.

7) Don’t have a job.

This one can be waived due to hotness. That’s why the only gold diggers you see out there are REALLY hot. You don’t see 80 year old oil tycoons on their death bed with tubes coming out of their nose dating some regular girl with a beer belly who used to work at Wendy’s.

I don’t have gold for any hot girl to dig, so I only come in contact with marginally attractive women who think it’s OK to have never filled out a W-2 and rake in a steady income of $0 a week. It’s 2009, get a fucking job!

Plus girls without jobs call you twice as often because they don’t have anything to do but talk to you about their day filled with MySpace and Maury Povich.

8 ) Be a human chameleon.

-I don’t mean that you started hanging out with a ditsy white girl and a half hour later you’re arm in arm with a hostile black girl. The human chameleon will suddenly change her mind about things at the drop of a hat.

Almost like girl #1 in the sense that she doesn’t have a personality, this girl has one… it’s just not her OWN personality. If you are with a group of people and she is asked how she feels about Barrack Obama, she will look around to judge the answers of others on whether or not she does in fact like our new Commander in Chief. Her favorite activities are YOUR favorite activities. She ironically enough has the same taste in music as you, your friend, your mom, your deaf cousin, or whoever you happen to be with when the subject comes up around her.

One time I was at dinner with a bunch of friends, and I brought one of these chameleons along; I asked her a simple question that required a simple answer.

“What’s your drink of choice?”

Chama-Chameleon- “Mojito!” She replied quickly, I was excited because I hate indecisiveness. (see #1)

Someone else- “Ew gross… I hate mojitos.”

Chama-Chameleon- “Yeah me too, it’s too strong for me.”

Same someone else- “Really? I think it’s too sweet.”

Chama-Chameleon- “Well, they are really sweet…”

Me- “I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had one, I stay away from drinks with fucking leaves in them.”

Chama-Chameleon- “I’ve actually never had one either…”

Then, I told her my favorite drink was my own urine… I don’t think I need to tell you what happened next.

**This last one, in my opinion (the right opinion), is MOST IMPORTANT. And is the most overlooked. The other ones on this list are important as well, but this one is #1. Well… technically it’s #8, but #1 in the sense that it’s the best. You get it.**

9) Don’t like Seinfeld.

I’ve never in my life held a relationship longer than one second after someone told me they didn’t like Seinfeld. Most recently, I met a girl who told me she didn’t like Seinfeld, so I gave her a swirlie in the men’s room of the brothel that we were in.

If you are asked whether you are a fan of this show and don’t answer with “OHHH GOD!!! YESSS!!!” then immediately have an orgasm, you will get the nearest seasoning to me thrown in your eyes (FYI, oregano burns like hell. So does Tarragon).

People who don’t like Seinfeld are extremely worthless, except for cleaning the inside of my toilet bowl.

There you go ladies, do the exact opposite of these 9 things and you’ll be ready to be dated… pending a blood sample.

• Kiss & Tell