Warning to women young and old: I’m about to trash the garbage that currently makes you cream your panties. Read at risk of drying up like Death Valley.

This week’s release of New Moon (in a theater near you) has teenage girls, their mothers, and even a few wily grannies trampeding over one another in order to burn up twelve bucks on the latest Twilight installment. Husbands, boyfriends, and little brothers have been and will continue to be dragged against their will to view this prick-tease of a film, wondering when all the heavy breathing will subside and lead to some actual FUCKING.

Much like trying to persuade a Mormon girl to get down with a little pre-marital humping, however, it’s NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. You know why?

Author Stephenie Meyer IS that Mormon girl. A wife and mother of three from Phoenix, a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and a graduate of Brigham Young University (aka Mormon College), Meyer says she has become accustomed to people asking her, “What’s a nice Mormon girl like you doing writing about vampires?”

As she told one Mormon-themed site, “Unconsciously, I put a lot of my basic beliefs into the story.”

“The most obvious Mormon influences can be seen in the ways that Meyer has her teenage heroine stand up for marriage and, ultimately, motherhood,” says Jana Riess, author of “What Would Buffy Do: The Vampire Slayer as Spiritual Guide” and co-author of “Mormonism for Dummies.”

["Wait - according to your religion, aren't you supposed to be serving your husband and raising your children? What are you doing writing BOOKS?" 'Twilight' Author Stephenie Meyer: Mormon, gothic...and so very rich.]

Meyer is now being referred to by peers as ‘The Mormon Anne Rice’ and lauded by sheeple of all religious organizations for weaving archaic beliefs and so-called morals into a soap-opera storyline. Even though Mormonism is never mentioned in the stories, Meyer’s beliefs clearly shine through. For instance:

Heroine Bella Swan has the same insecurities and anxieties as any 17-year-old girl. But when she falls for Edward Cullen, a hot-yet-pale fellow student who happens to be a vampire, she confronts the kinds of existential questions that religion addresses.

“Anyone who is familiar with the Book of Mormon can also discern deeper theological themes,” writes Steve Rabey in Religion News Service, “from the Mormon reinterpretation of the Fall of Humankind — which inspired the apple on the ‘Twilight’ book cover — to the theme of overcoming the natural man, which we can see when Bella wrestles with her desires and decides whether or not to become a vampire.”

“The concept for the “Twilight Saga” series of books came in a vision,” says Meyer. She claims that she does not read vampire books or watch R-rated movies such as “Interview with the Vampire.”

“The sexual tension that pervades the stories is a natural byproduct of Meyer’s strict Mormon upbringing,” reports Rabey. “Growing up as a good Mormon girl among other good Mormon girls and boys, she met her future husband as a child but the two did not associate outside of church activities until they began dating when she was 20. They married nine months later.”

There is no pre-marital sex in Twilight, even though Meyer’s editor suggested otherwise. (SPOILER ALERT: That’s not to say there won’t be tons of boning in the 4th book AFTER the two main characters tie the vampire knot and proceed with the spawning of baby blood-suckers.) None of the characters drink alcohol or indulge in profanity, but there is plenty of horny breathing and sexual tension, which has become quite the hot topic on Mormon-themed Web sites such as normalmormons.com and motleyvision.org.

[Twilight: foreplay without the play.]

In a post on normalmormons.com (“It’s true. We’re out there.”), a relative of Meyer’s writes:

“Edward and Bella could barely touch or kiss for fear that Edward might get carried away and suck her blood in a fit of passion. Very similar to that of two young BYU/high school students who aren’t yet married and can’t touch each other for fear it will lead to sex. I’m sure it was easy for Stephenie to describe with firsthand experiences.”

[Ouch! His balls are as blue as his collar.]

So what’s the harm? Why not let the people have their blue balls and sacred hymens if they so choose?

In the stories, not one single woman has a job. Every female character is miserable without a man to take care of her, including the high school girls. And wouldn’t you know it, that’s a huge Mormon influence. In fact, many other conservative Christian faith groups (plus Orthodox Jews) remain sexist to this day. Women are expected to fill specified roles within families, in the church, and in society, and are condemned as heathens if they venture outside of those roles.

While there’s nothing wrong with being a housewife or a mother, it’s incredibly damaging to inundate the collective subconscious of women with the message that it’s the ONLY thing they’re meant for. Girls should not be taught in a brainwashing session cloaked as a vampire franchise that college is merely a means to find a husband/owner rather than a self-empowering road to education and independence.

Ladies: instead of using your vaginas to birth twelve babies, maybe have some heathenistic sex with someone you’re not married to…and save your twelve bucks for Sherlock Holmes, since Robert Downey Jr. is infinitely sexier than every Twilight pretty-boy put together.

[Let the investigating begin.]

Author: Britt Warner

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