During 2008′s political circus, I wrote a blog that broke down the presidential candidates by their character traits. Afterwards, I was contacted by an acquaintance who chose to focus not on my political argument, but rather, on my assessment of Hillary Clinton’s choice to “stand by her man”. This person argued that I shouldn’t be so quick to judge until I walked in the shoes of a woman scorned and experienced how the repeated, martyr-like suffering builds character. Seriously? Isn’t life too short to subject oneself to such cruel and unusual torture?
I did, in fact, experience the betrayal of a past lover – once. Not twice, not three times, not twenty. Only once, for that one time was more than I was willing to put up with. The pain and humiliation left a burning sensation in my chest that has faded over the years, but can still be felt nonetheless. It seemed as though everyone knew about it except me, and when I was prompted by rumors to confront my then-boyfriend, he lied to my face. The truth has a persistent way of surfacing, though, no matter how many times it’s buried. Rather than offer him the chance to a.) redeem himself or b.) cheat on me again, I cut him out of my life. His punishment? He lost the best friend he ever had.
Now, I’m not perfect. Although I’ve never cheated on a lover, I have been “the other woman”. This was yeeeeears ago, but perhaps these misguided choices were the karmic ruin that led to my own pain and suffering shortly thereafter. I have nothing to say in my defense; all I know is that I was young, insecure, and allergic to commitment. Luring a taken guy into a few make-out sessions gave me a false sense of confidence and spared me the trouble of an actual relationship. I am ashamed, and the selfish behavior of my past will haunt me for years to come.
The following is a collection of my thoughts on the matter. If you find yourself upset by what you are about to read, perhaps you need to take a good, hard look at your own life and make a few changes. We often get defensive when we read or hear something that hits a little too close to home because we wish it wasn’t the truth. Call me judgmental, but I have enough experience in this realm to have an informed opinion. Here goes:
Cheating
A surprisingly large amount of people have a difficult time defining the act of cheating. Let me shed some much-needed light:
Anything done behind your partner’s back with another person is cheating. Period.
That’s right. Networking is one thing – if it’s truly innocent, you should have no qualms about mentioning it to your partner beforehand. The sketchiness comes into play when you omit details to “protect” the person you’re in a relationship with. Flirtatious e-mail correspondence with an ex that you “forgot” to mention to your current partner; accepting phone numbers or giving out yours; dirty-dancing at the club; meeting for a cup of coffee…basically, ANYTHING that feels a little shady while you’re doing it is, in fact, cheating. (If your partner’s aware of and okay with you giving romantic attention to ANYONE other than them, however, then it’s not cheating and it’s your own business as a…let’s say…KINKY sort of couple.)
Perhaps even more terrible than the ol’ “Sorry-honey-I-got-drunk-and-fucked-a-stripper-but-I-swear-she-meant-nothing-to-me” cheating is the “You’re-being-ridiculous!-She’s-just-a-friend-who’s-fun-to-talk-to-and-we’ve-never-so-much-as-shaken-hands” cheating. Whereas physical cheating is often devoid of feelings, emotional cheating is full of ‘em. Your partner is supposed to be the one you tell everything to. It’s one thing to come into a relationship with pre-existing friends of the opposite sex, but making new ones while in a relationship can be dangerous territory.
When in doubt, ask your partner what they feel comfortable with, and act accordingly. Exchange internet passwords and welcome your partner to “check up” on you at any given time. If they trust you, they most likely won’t feel the need to, but it’s a symbolic gesture that will keep both of you on the up-and-up.
The Cheater
The person who cheats on their partner is selfish beyond compare. Some would call it “having your cake and eating it, too”. Um, shouldn’t the relationship be the cake? If it’s not, throw the stale piece away and get yourself a fresh slice. Or maybe don’t eat cake at all. Have a few cookies here and there.
To me, being in a relationship means that you want to have sex with that one person and that one person only. When that ceases to be true (i.e., monogamy is KILLING you), the relationship is over. Lazy is the person who realizes this and would rather fuck around on the person they’re committed to than break it off and have the freedom to fuck whom they please without hurting anyone.
Side Note: If the person you are in a relationship with hits on other people right in front of you, it is their immature way of trying to get YOU to end it so they don’t have to.
I know I mentioned that emotional cheating could very well be worse than physical cheating, but consider this: when you physically cheat on your partner, you are not only betraying their trust and hurting their feelings; you are also putting their HEALTH at risk, and without our health, we have nothing. There are plenty of STDs you can catch and transmit with or without a condom.
Imagine: that seemingly harmless makeout sesh with the stranger at the bar results in a cold sore (oral herpes) on your mouth. You go down on the person you’re in a relationship with and they suddenly have full-blown genital herpes. Or, you have sex with that stranger, co-worker, friend, etc., thinking you’re covered (so to speak) because you use condoms. You continue having sex with your unsuspecting partner and two weeks, months, or even years later, they have genital warts, a form of HPV that can cause cervical cancer in women. Men often don’t show symptoms, but are still “carriers”, which means they don’t even know they have it. Since condoms don’t cover all the skin around “that area”, the virus can be transmitted with or without protection. Herpes and HPV are for life. As for the cheater who doesn’t use any form of protection? You have absolutely no respect for life and should be imprisoned.
Cheaters, cut your partner loose. Give them a chance to find happiness with someone worthy of their trust and love. There is no way in hell that you could simultaneously love and repeatedly betray someone. One act contradicts the other. Convenience is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you. Don’t settle for someone just because they’re “nice”. Don’t settle for someone you’re not physically attracted to, because I guarantee you need sexual chemistry just as much as you need an emotional and intellectual connection. Don’t settle, period. Be honest and upfront from the start that you don’t want to commit, and stick to your guns. “I plan on seeing other people. I’m young and I want to have my fun while I still can – is that okay with you? No? Then we shouldn’t get involved.”
Some relationships actually do start out with all the right elements and then go sour. A lot of women cheat because they feel their needs aren’t being met, emotionally and otherwise. A lot of men cheat because they crave excitement and variety.
Hey, women? Instead of bad-mouthing your man to all your girls, try talking to him about how you feel. Be open and honest and loving. Keep the nagging criticism to a minimum. He’s supposed to be your best friend. Throw on a wig and some lingerie to satisfy his need for variety once in awhile and I guarantee he’ll stay intrigued.
Hey, men? Instead of staying out at the bar until 2 in the morning with your loud, gorilla friends, lay off the sauce and indulge your woman’s cravings for intimacy. Ask her how she feels, for fuck’s sake. Give her a massage. Tell her how unbelievably sexy she is. Don’t see it? Then what the hell are you doing in a relationship with her, you dolt?
The Cheatee
Most people are really sympathetic to the woman scorned: there were more folks on “Team Jennifer” than “Team Angelina”, for instance. As someone who has always been more “Angelina” than “Jen”, it definitely knocked me down a peg to experience the betrayal of someone I cared for. What I don’t understand is how the cheatee can justify staying in the relationship. It takes great maturity to forgive, but one never forgets. How could you continue sharing your body with someone who didn’t love you enough to stay true in the first place? Someone who possibly put your health at risk? Someone who violated the very definition of “relationship”???
Everyone deserves a second chance, you might say. Well, fine, but hurt me once? Shame on you. Hurt me twice? Shame on me. Hurt me more than that? I’m a fucking idiot. I will allow that accidents happen (“Oops, I tripped and my dick slipped inside that strange woman. Forgive my clumsiness.”) or perspective on life gets blurry; however, if your significant other promises not to fuck around on you and then continues to do so, guess what? They don’t love you! No amount of drugs or alcohol can excuse repeat-cheating.
Here’s a promise that won’t be broken: you deserve better. If you’re in love with someone who can’t stay faithful to you, ask yourself why? Not “why can’t they stay faithful to me?” but “why am I IN LOVE with someone who can’t stay faithful to me?” Co-dependence is a bitch, huh? It’s normal and justified to want to love someone and be loved back, but if you have to sacrifice your self-esteem and self-worth in order to receive it, you’re better off alone. If you stay, you’re choosing to let someone make a fool out of you, and for that, you have no one to blame but yourself.
On a final note: you’re not supposed to stay friends with the person who cheated on you. How do you expect to grow as a person if you continue to hold onto a hugely negative reminder of the past? Say your peace, receive their apology, and let go. (No drinks, e-mails, texts, phone calls, Facebook, or MySpace. Cut yourself off this bad habit for real.)
The Accessory to the Crime
This is one of the reasons women hate each other. Granted, men get fucked over, too, but they tend to solve their anger quickly, impulsively…i.e., the guy who’s been diddling their wife gets a black eye and the wife gets served with divorce papers. As a female, you take it very personally if your fellow woman swoops in on your territory. The result is that you distrust not only men, but women, too.
Having been the other woman – on however small of a scale – as well as the woman scorned, I know how both sides feel, and it’s not pretty. As an accessory, you’re seen as a temptress by the cheater. Friendship evolves into flirtation, and flirtation can quickly cross the point of no return before either person knows what’s happening. It can be exciting to take a man who’s supposedly devoted to his significant other and turn him into putty in your devious hands. You get a rush of power and adrenaline, quickly followed by tremendous guilt and self-loathing. To an extent, we all want what we can’t have, until the blessed day when maturity kicks in and we want what we already have. For some, this day never comes, and they are content to remain mistresses and boy toys for all of their lives. For most, this arrangement is lonely, unfulfilling, and frustrating. Not only do you hate yourself, you also hate the cheater for deceiving the cheatee. The cheater is making a fool out of all of you.
If you don’t want a commitment, get a no-strings-attached fuck buddy…or a vibrator. The latter won’t hold you after sex or offer any sort of emotional fulfillment, but in many cases, neither will a cheater. Trust me, stocking up on batteries is better than stocking up on guilt.
Conclusion
Don’t cheat, don’t allow yourself to be cheated on, and don’t enable someone to cheat with you. It’s awful. Weakness and selfishness play a part in all three roles. If you identify with one or all of them, turn it around today. Rebuild your character and self-worth by exercising your mind and body. The more knowledge you accrue mentally and the more muscle you build physically, the more confident you will feel. The two go hand in hand, with the mind powering the body and the body powering the mind. The stronger you become, the less you will seek affirmation and reassurance from other people. Insecurity is often the force that drives us to bend our morals and values in ways we promised ourselves we never would. Let’s respect ourselves and each other enough to stop compromising who we are and who we could be.
The most important force in this world is love. Behave accordingly.
[Originally posted January 27, 2009]
Author: Britt Warner
