Navigating the dating world can be scary and overwhelming; here are a few words of wisdom derived from personal experience that might save you from heartache, awkward situations, and clingy psychos.
In the early stages of dating someone, don’t bring him or her to the movies, a classical music concert, or any other event that requires you to sit quietly for two hours. The inability to talk, laugh, and interact physically will create uncomfortable tension and prohibit you from getting to know one another. Similarly, skip the noisy rock concert or crowded bar. Having to scream in each other’s ears to have a conversation is never enjoyable.
I’ve learned that a particularly fun and low key date is a picnic. Sharing a meal and a bottle of wine on a beach or in a park is a fantastic and casual way to get to know someone. Plus, at the end of the date there isn’t the awkward “So do you want to split the bill?” fiasco.
Make sure all of your partners know if you’re dating around. Seeing more than one person at once is totally acceptable and fun, but make your intentions clear so that one or more of your prospects don’t have the wrong idea. If someone wants to be in an exclusive relationship, he or she has the opportunity to get out now before getting hurt. Plus, it will save the embarrassing surprise should you run into one of your dates while out with another sucking face at a bar. Trust me…I know.
If you’re on a first or second date, and it’s going extremely well, there may arise the opportunity to sleep with your date. Of course, everyone says not to fuck on the first date as you may exude the “slut” vibe and then your partner will no longer see you as relationship material. I’m of the mindset to let things happen organically. My past relationship of 2.5 years blossomed out of what I imagined would probably be a one-night stand. If the lust is so mutually strong on the first or second date and neither of you will survive another day without exploring the passion, just go for it. Many times an emotional and intellectual connection is further enhanced. Whether or not either of you is a “slut” will not be an issue if you both like and desire to continue to get to know each other. If your partner loses interest after sleeping with you, the sex probably wasn’t that good or a strong connection lacked from the start.
I cannot stress enough: a little mystery goes a long way. This may seem contradictory to the “don’t stress about boning on the first or second date” because elements of suspense and intrigue of course are broken when having sex for the first time. Despite that, playing it cool in between dates is important. You’d like your partner to think you have better things to do than wait by the phone for him or her to call. It’s fine to initiate the texting or calling, however, don’t do it every time. Give your prospect a chance to communicate first. If you find yourself always being the one to reach out first, wait a few days to see if your partner calls. Write him or her off if four or five days go by with no contact.
Dress for yourself, and not to impress your partner. I read in Cosmo once that women shouldn’t wear red lipstick or high heels to a first date because it will intimidate the guy. Uh…thanks Cosmo for your unending words of bullshit. If you’re a girl that likes wearing red, purple, or black glittery lipstick and 6″ heels, wouldn’t you want to find a guy that digs that? By dressing exactly how you like, and in what makes you feel comfortable and sexy, you’ll end up with a match made in heaven. Otherwise, three months into the budding relationship when you reveal your favorite assless chaps, your partner might be like “Uh wtf, these are gross” Hold out for that special someone that thinks assless chaps are the sexiest piece of clothing in the world.
Similarly, don’t pretend to have different interests and hobbies merely to impress your partner. If the girl you’re out with confesses she looovessss Ke$ha and you pretend to share her enthusiasm, have fun suffering through “TiK ToK” on repeat and faking excitement at Ke$ha concerts.
If you think that your guy or girl might be way more into you than you’d like, make your lack of feelings as clear and as quickly as possible. You don’t want to end up having to respond to “I love you” on the fourth date. Of course, if you’re mutually as crazy about each other, this won’t be an issue, and you may be elated that your partner feels as strongly as you do. However, if not, look for the signs. You may want to proceed with caution if someone texted you “OMG I miss you sooo much, can’t wait to see you again! xoxox” after the first date. Does he or she call and text you more than you’re comfortable with? Are you flooded with inane questions about what you’re having for breakfast and what you’re doing at that precise moment? I once very briefly dated a guy who would give me blow-by-blow reports on his daily doings, including exactly what he was eating at all times of the day. I didn’t learn my lesson until too late; I tried to make it work – I thought he was a pretty cool, really attractive dude – realized after date two that the relationship was going nowhere, and seriously upset this guy when I stopped responding to his boring texts. The minute I started feeling uneasy about those constant texts I should have cut all contact politely, but immediately.
Don’t share The Number. Why would you want to know how many dicks have been in your girl’s private area? If the number is too low, you might be the type of person to wonder why your partner doesn’t get more action. Too high? Questions arise about promiscuity and why your date can’t stick to one sexual partner for more than a week. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Certain things about each other’s past are better left untouched.
And now we present some equally valuable advice on what NOT to do on a date, via our friend Pete Lindberg.
1. Talk about how your ass is bleeding. Bad.
2. Don’t shower, for at least four days prior to date.
3. “Forget your wallet”
4. Only speak in pick up lines.
5. Have a lit cigarette, constantly…in both hands.
6. Fill up your pockets with so much shit, like bulging and uncomfortable status.
7. Yawn at least eight times per minute.
8. If conversation is failing, imitate the action of “rewinding” and then say the same thing you said a minute ago. Act as if you’re serious.
9. If you’re making out, stop, ask for her cell phone, and just drop it down a drain.
…And there you have it, folks. Follow our advice and in no time your soul mate will be knockin’ at your door!
*photo via google image search
Comments
On the whole sleeping with your date. I know in my dating experience that if we weren't having sex by the third date that the girl isn't interested, and just going along for the free dinners. The whole "hold out to create mystery" thing that some women believe can seriously backfire.
as requested by liv, here are my thoughts!
1. while i find it best to be honest and up-front from the very beginning, there's no reason to share you life story on the first few dates. let the other person figure some stuff out. if you're crazy like me, there are things that need to be shared from the beginning so you don't scare him off when you start crying for no reason, but one of the best things about dating is figuring out a person for yourself. there are still things about tim i'm learning and we've been together for years.
2. go on stupid dates. some of my favorite dates have been going to see disney on ice: princess, the incredibles, and monsters, inc. it's great to be the oldest people without kids and connect with your inner child. it's a great way to see how you two can interact in a ridiculous setting. i also enjoy going to animal shelters and looking at all the animals; it's different and while it's heartbreaking to know you can't take them all home, who doesn't love seeing all the cute puppies and doggies and kitties?!
3. share the bills. i firmly believe that dealing with financial transactions in the beginning of a relationship will be very helpful if it continues to something serious and you live together and combine your financial standings.
4. while it's great to talk and gush to your friends about your relationship, keep in mind that your partner deserves some respect and privacy. don't share all the details; it's your relationship, not your friends'.
5. the golden rule applies to everything: treat your partner as you want to be treated.
6. communication is key. if your partner (read: guy) has a difficult time articulating thoughts, give him or her the heads up that you have something you wish to discuss and if he or she could think about it for a couple of days, it would be really helpful to the discussion.
7. be silly! hit your partner with a pillow in the middle of sitting on the couch watching tv. have tickle fights. make funny faces. tell stupid jokes. (side note: even though tim and i agree that farting is funniest thing ever, neither of us do it in front of the other one.) having a goofy side can turn awkward situations into less awkward ones.
8. stay home and cook a meal instead of going out. it's much more personal, and, who knows, maybe you're dating an excellent cook!
9. getting advice from your friends is nice, but keep in mind that you are very different from your friends. just because she thinks that you can do better because your boyfriend doesn't take you out, buy you stuff, wait on you hand and foot, and compliment you all the time, doesn't mean that what she wants in her relationship is what you want in your relationship. it's a process, but figure out what you want and need in a relationship and don't let your friends tell you that your boyfriend isn't good enough, especially if you're happy.
10. ask yourself what you can do to make your relationship better. if you feel like you're not in a place where you want to be, ask why that is and what YOU can do to help. it's not always your partner's fault. at the same time, don't think it's all your fault! sometimes that may be the case, but not usually. work it out with your partner, see if he or she is unhappy, too. if it's only one of you that is unhappy, it's time to evaluate what you're looking for in your relationship.
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11. keep going on dates, even if you've been with your partner for years and years and years. they're fun!
12. fights happen. if you're lucky, they don't happen often and they're not about superficial stuff, but fights happen. try and get through them without being too hurtful.
13. take the time to learn little things about your partner early on. favorite band, favorite movie, favorite food: it's great to be able to drop little surprises on your partner and see his or her face light up.
14. if your partner loves star wars and you don't, don't tell him or her that you do love it just to impress him or her and create a bond. you'll have other things in common and it's just disappointing and annoying to your partner when it finally comes out that you were just saying that because you liked him or her.
15. don't share EVERYTHING with your partner. there are some things that should be kept just for yourself. i don't mean thoughts or feelings or past experiences; for example, i go to trivia every week at applebee's. tim knows everyone i go with, but he doesn't come with me. he's lousy at trivia and i always invite him anyways, but it's my thing and he understands that. we share plenty of other stuff; it's nice to go out and do my own thing. he's the same way.
16. 'relationship' should really be synonymous with 'compromise'. compromising is how a relationship works really well.
17. i've never bought in to that 'wait for the guy who says you're beautiful and shows you off to his friends in your sweats' stuff. eventually you reach a point where you're comfortable around your partner in your sweats and such, but everyone looks gross if you haven't showered in a day or two and haven't groomed yourself. he might still love you, but his friends are going to think he needs someone who keeps herself clean.
18. i know i'm biased because i'm not into the romance stuff (neither is tim, thank goodness), but it doesn't always have to be candle-lit dinners and hand-holding and staring at the stars wrapped up in a blanket on the beach. your partner should also be your friend; it makes for a more solid foundation to your relationship. if you have friends based on common interests who have been around for years, it makes sense that if you want your partner around for years, you're going to need to be friends.
19. balance is important. if she doesn't demand a lot in the relationship, but he does, it's harder to maintain a healthy, honest, loving relationship.
20. don't put off the inevitable. if you want it to be over, end it as soon as you know. it's just going to hurt the other person more to know that he or she was led on for days, weeks, even months or years. the anger directed at you is unavoidable, but if you're honest the chances of maintaining some sort of relationship down the road are better.
21. knowing what you want in a relationship is very important; it's also very important to know what your partner wants. what you want and what your partner want are never exactly the same. be aware of the differences and make adjustments. everyone will be happier.
totally agree! a physical connection is just as important as an emotional and intellectual one. maybe even more important. you can work on and build mental connection, but you can't exactly develop lust and passion.
great advice all around. wow @ katie for putting in the time to share your insight.