Read John’s vision of literary glory *here*.

Liv: Who would you… Fuck, Marry, Kill: Courtney Love, Madonna, Britney Spears

John: Kill: Courtney Love (sharing needles isn’t good in marriage nor intercourse)

Marry: Madonna (she’s got something like a trillion dollars, and I would definitely thump her on the skull right after she asked me to sign the prenup.

Fuck: Britney Spears (although she’s crazy I think we all remember the Oops I did it Again video)

Liv: What is your favorite drinking game?

John: Thumper. Hands down. It’s fun, entertaining and it doesn’t put you to sleep like Kings. Beer pong is overrated and lame now. Everyone takes it too seriously. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone smile while playing beer pong. They’re always too busy talking about other times they’ve played beer pong, and arguing over rules. Thumper allows you to bang on tables, make obscene gestures, shout like you’re at a baseball game, and drink heaping portions of booze. Sounds good, right? Right?? Yeeeaahhhhh, I’m right.

Liv: Who would play you in your biopic?

John: I don’t really know. I just asked a few co-workers and got the following responses:

“Michael Richards, because you’re a big gangly doofus and you say racist things sometimes.”

“McCaulley Culkin. Because you’re blonde, white, and really weird. And you got diddled by Michael Jackson when you were little.”

“Jason Segal. Because you’re both funny, tall, and goofy looking. In Forgetting Sarah Marshall he wears stupid hats and t-shirts, it reminds me of you.”

“Hillary Swank… faggot.”

Liv: Can you fart on command?

John: What? No… That would be a cool trait if I was in third grade, or I didn’t want to have any friends. (Aside: I don’t have any friends, but that’s not the point). But you know what would be a cool trait? Vomiting on command. Think about its benefits: If you’re in the middle of a shitty conversation that you are unsure of how to get out of, you just blow chunks right on the persons shoes. They’ll be too appalled to keep talking.

If you want to get out of any sort of family event, business meeting, intercourse with an ugly girl, you just throw up and all of those problems will be eradicated.

Think about the downsides: wears down tooth enamel. Tooth enamel is for pussies.

Liv: Switch lives with anyone. Who would it be?

John: The guy who stars in the Free Credit Report dot com commercials. With the greasy stringy hair, who plays the guitar. Or the Verizon guy. Or Dennis Haysbert the Allstate guy. Pretty much anyone who is the star of a string of commercials; minus Wilford Brimly. Fuck Wilford Brimly.

*photo courtesy of john’s facebook

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