Michael Phelps, you know him… the big, weird shaped, lanky dude who fucked the Olympic Games right in the butt. Not to be confused with a different Michael Phelps, one who didn’t disconnect all the joints in his lower body and out swim every mother fucker who dipped a toe in the pool since he was an infant.

Well he was caught smoking weed at a party while visiting a girl at the University of South Carolina. What most of you may not have known… was that I WAS THERE during the whole incident. I was at the party with him, shot-gunning beers, making fun of people shorter than us, and playing Kings until the wee hours of the night.

When the sun rose, I picked myself out of the tub full of confetti and my own vomit and began walking into the kitchen for breakfast. I stepped over the midget wearing a sombrero who was feeding us guacamole laced with ecstasy all night, a group of glittered out Cuban hookers, and almost tripped over the shaved lamb sleeping peacefully next to the beer pong table before I made it into the kitchen to partake in bacon and eggs with Michael and the rest of the party crew (Brian and Kevin). This is the rest of the morning:

Me: Ah man. I feel like shit. I feel like I drank a gallon of tequila and tried to have sex with the container of leftover lasagna.

Brian: Maybe because that’s exactly what you did…

Me: Michael, dude, we got pretty rowdy last night. Remember when you and I pushed that small kid around until he started crying? Then shoved him in the trashcan and threw him over the balcony into the pool!!?? HAHAHAHAHA. I LOVE BEING TALL!!!

Michael: HAHAHAHAHA! HAHA! WHAT A FAGGOT!!… Oh man… what happened to that kid?

Me: HAHA. HA… I don’t know… I’m sure he’s OK.

Michael: Probably… I’m not too worried about it. Boy, did I get stoned last night. Hey Brian, thanks for packing those bong hits for me man…

Brian: Oh yeah no problem man… What are friends for? I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you-

Michael: WHAT A GREAT NIGHT! You got any pics of last night?

Brian: Yeah… that’s actually what I want to talk to-

Michael: I’m gonna upload them to my MySpace. Create a whole new album for them and everything. It’s going to be so great!

Brian: Ha. Yeah man for sure. Actually I gave Kevin my camera… he went to take the photos to his house… and you know… just other places with it. No big deal. But hey, real quick dude, I have some pretty important news to tell you.

Just at that moment, Kevin walks in the door with a huge wad of cash and a blown up photograph.

Kevin: GUYS! That picture was golden! We got like 5000- Oh, Michael… what’s up man?

Michael: Kevin! Hey bro! We’re eating mother fucking pancakes here! Come on in. What’s that you got there?

Kevin: Oh. Nothing… Uh… You guys didn’t tell him?

Michael: Tell me what… guys… what’s going on? Mother fucking pancakes…?

Brian: Alright dude. Don’t freak out, but we kind of sent in some of the pictures to a few local magazines.

Michael: …which pictures?

Brian: Well, it was actually just one picture. Mainly just the one I took up close of you ripping my bong… which was a sick rip by the way man!! You really do have some big ass lungs!

Michael snatches the picture away from Kevin.

Michael: WHAT THE FUCK?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!! YOU SAID THE CAMERA WASN’T EVEN ON! THIS IS BULLSHIT BRIAN!!

Brian: Calm down man… I bet this isn’t even that big of a story. You’re not THAT famous…

Michael: I WON 8 GOLD MEDALS! I’m the most famous athlete right now! I can’t fucking be on the news hitting a BONG!!!

Kevin: WELL. You were hitting the bong… WELL. You keep forgetting to mention that you were hitting the bong WELL.

Michael: REGARDLESS of how big my toke was, I AM SPONSORED BY SPEEDO, AT&T and POWERBAR, I’m pretty sure they won’t like that.

Me: Maybe you should’ve put a POWERBAR sticker on the side of the bong? That might have been better; getting the word out to stoners around the world about POWERBAR? Eh? Not a bad idea… Aren’t you sponsored by Kellogg’s too? Get high and eat a bowl of Frosted Flakes! THERE’S your next commercial mother fucker! BOOM! I should do your PR.

Michael looked upset. We all felt kind of bad, we tried offering him a split of the money, but he declined it; saying something about “5 million dollar endorsements,” “100 million dollar lifetime prediction” blah blah blah… His phone began blowing up, from his sponsors, from his agent and managers; all his suits that are responsible for his actions. He ignored while we continued to try and help him see the light in this situation.

Brian: Dude, what’s the big deal? You have a DUI under your belt. No one seems to care about that. What’s one bong toke… one HUGE, GREAT, bong toke; did we mention how great it was?

Kevin: It really was man… great job. Bra-vo on that…

Me: Michael… have some more pancakes dude. Chocolate chip! Cummon bro!

A smile began creeping across his face:

Michael: Yeahhh! You guys are right! Fuck it! Weed is decriminalized anyway. No one’s going to care. Mother fucking pancakes!!

During a lull in our conversation, one of the Cuban strippers got up, grabbed the container of leftover lasagna and began munching on it. She then turned the TV on.

“Olympic gold medal winner, and swimming phenom, Michael Phelps was caught hitting a marijuana pipe last night during a party at the University of South Carolina. We have yet to hear a comment or an apology.”

Michael: I’m not apologizing! Bullshit, it was one hit… one GREAT hit!

Me: I say you apologize. You gotta keep the cash flowing. You’re too weird looking to be an actor or something. Tell them you “regret your actions” and it was “irresponsible.” Here hold on, I’ll write your speech right now. This shit’s going to be golden.

I scribble a few words down on a napkin and hand it over to him:

Michael: “I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.” DUDE, JOHN! This shit is MONEY!!! YOU’RE THE MAN! Maybe I will have you do my PR.

I high five his massive hand, the news continues.

“South Carolina police are reportedly going to be pressing charges against the medal winner…”

The table grows quiet for a second.

Michael: Hey, it’s been great guys… but I should probably get going before the cops-

Michael gets up from the table before finishing his sentence.

Brian: Hey. Dude… Uh… you think you could throw in for that hit you took last night?

Kevin: Yeah man, that was a huge hit. You kind of… smoked it all. We weren’t going to say anything, but…

Michael gives the two a look of disdain.

“Michael Phelps was caught smoking cannabis last night at a college party. No one has yet to get in touch with the swimmer for a comment. His 10 million dollar sponsors MAY be in jeopardy.”

Brian: Well… I guess we’ll just call it even…

Me: CALL ME IF YOU STILL WANT TO DO YOUR PR!

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