As if you aren’t already tired of hearing me blabber on and on about my oh so exciting life, I’m not finished yet. With my ongoing quest to find a decent male companion here in good old Los Angeles, my journey has come to a screeching halt. Why have I abandoned all hope in finding my one true love? Simple: I’ve got to grow and learn to love myself before I can love another human being.

This theory sounds much more complex than I’d like it to, but it’s an easy idea to grasp. I’m at that point in my life where I’ve done my share of dating, booty calls, and many very inappropriate things I should not be mentioning for the sake of my own reputation. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I’ve had my experiences first hand and my feet are well beyond soaked with dating lessons. I no longer want to dip my toes in that water, not ’til I dry off and cool down a bit.

I haven’t been single since I was 15, a sophomore in high school. I’m in my twenties now and I’ve only gone short periods of time where I was on my own, with little interruption from possible lovers in plain sight. I have completely thrown myself out there in the dating pool numerous times and have learned far too much in my years of dating even as I remain baffled.

Relationships, most of the time, are comforting. I can talk endlessly about the joys of having that security in my life, but don’t think it’s all been rainbows and ponies. As much as I can talk it up, I can talk it down, too. My life has been filled with far too much drama for me to comprehend, which I hate. As much as a great deal of it was self inflicted, I need a breather from all that. I found comfort in far too many people that didn’t deserve my time or my love, but now that I’m single I can focus on what’s important without falling off to the wrong path.

I don’t need a guy that will complicate my life. I don’t need a guy that will make me question myself as a person or that will make me change my life to suit theirs. You like me for who I am and what I bring to the table, for the support and unconditional love that I give and hope to God I receive in return. Being single means I control what goes on in my life. I can focus my energy on my own life, my family, my career, and the 9 short months I have left before I graduate college without the added stress of pleasing another human being. I NEED TO FOCUS ON MYSELF, take care of ME and be okay with who I am. I need to focus on becoming a better person, a person that I can be proud of say, Yep, I’m the shit!

Don’t get me wrong: eventually, one day, I hope like hell I come across someone that will be the answer to my prayers. Someday, maybe not for a long time but better late than never, someone somewhere will be my saving grace and find me when he’s supposed to. Hopefully that person will forgive me that I’m still learning to get better with time and every day is a new lesson to learn.

I’m trying to be more open to life. Living with hope and optimism for the world is easier than living hopelessly and unrealistically. Life can be good one second, but horrible the next, but it all does happen for a reason. We can color our future whatever color we want.

As I lay here in bed, next to my little puppy Elli who is spazzing out because she’s probably eating a ginormous bone in her dreams, I hope that you’ve become enlightened. Think about what you want for your own life. Seek ways of improvement, set goals and and learn more about yourself and who you want to become. Don’t let minor distractions get in your way. Add characters that will help you grow, that will support you and let you flourish in the sun, not people that will steer you away from achieving your goals.

Life’s too short, have fun while you’re still living it.

P.S. I rambled, but I thought that this needed to be said. I apologize if this didn’t make much sense, but I feel better now. Do a self reflection every now and then. Breathe… Inhale… Relax. It’s good for you!