Welcome to the third installment of Monday Musings, a weekly glimpse into this wily brain of mine. Proceed with caution.

*     *     *

I know some guys are genuine vehicle aficionados and simply want to treat themselves to something extravagant, but most men rarely buy fancy cars for themselves – they buy fancy cars to attract hot women…hot women who equate fancy cars with wealth and are drawn like moths to a flame. Men: doesn’t it disturb you that she only wants you for your money? Women: doesn’t it disturb you that you only want him for his money? Are people really that shallow and heartless? It bums me out.

*     *     *

Then there are the guys who drive shitty cars, live from paycheck to paycheck, are just so-so to look at, and STILL manage to snag hot, sexy women. How do they do it?! It’s been one of the greatest secrets of the universe…until now. These men have figured out the basic truth that every girl, no matter how awesome and attractive, can’t resist a man who eats pussy like a champ. Multiple orgasms are no joke.

*     *     *

Flawless...after the Botox, nose job, lip injections, and breast enhancement surgery. Poor Megan...does anyone love you for...YOU?

Everyone is insecure…and I mean EVERYONE. Topping this list, however, are physically flawless girls (who lack beauty of the inner variety) . These girls are especially insecure because they place too much emphasis on their looks. Instead of taking the time to develop a personality, they go to extreme measures to maintain their beauty for fear that no one will want them once it fades. Thank God I’m hideous.

*     *     *

Picturing everyone naked as a way to calm nerves is child’s play. Whenever I feel hugely intimidated by someone, I imagine them sitting on the toilet with their pants around their ankles, taking a massive shit. If I REALLY need to boost my confidence, I also imagine them with a strained, constipated grimace on their face, UNABLE to take a shit. Works every time.

*     *     *

I recently learned that facial and body waxing causes the skin to stretch and eventually sag…which makes me wonder about the women who are fanatical about getting Brazilian bikini waxes every other week. Ladies, I just have to know: Do your lips hang low, do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier? Do your lips…hang…low?

*     *     *

People have a bad habit of immortalizing actors, singers and musicians who died “before their time.” (Guess what? If they died, it WAS their time.) I call it “bowing out gracefully.” If Madonna had died at thirty instead of over-staying her welcome, you would have immortalized her, too.

*     *     *

I recently saw a nun playing around with her new iPhone. I mean, shit, son – God had BETTER hook his special ladies up. How ELSE are they supposed to text Jesus?

*     *     *

I think it’s important to allow oneself some well-placed vices – a cigarette here, a shot of vodka there – so that when disease comes a-callin’ further on down the road, you have something specific to blame it on. I simply can’t imagine being one of those poor souls who goes through life eating nothing but the healthiest organic fare, exercising daily, avoiding the sun and cigarettes like the plague, having one glass of wine a year…only to die at thirty-five of skin, lung, and liver cancer anyway. That’s why I live healthfully, but let a little naughtiness slip in now and again.

Everything in moderation, guys…even moderation.

• Personal