If you are a Mormon, why did you click on the title of this? Do you want to get angry? I tried to make it obvious that this would be inflammatory to you. Whatever, just don’t try to say you weren’t warned…

To be fair, I think organized religion in general is pretty whack. I know the difference between right and wrong and how to be a good person without having to read a book that was supposedly “the word of God.” Whichever incarnation of God that may be. That said, the whole business fascinates me. Following blindly and believing wild stories made up to control the masses. Why can’t they see how politically motivated it all is? As George Carlin said, God is Santa Claus for grown-ups.

Mormons, however, are particularly gullible. At least other largely followed religions have stood the test of time. This one came about after the United States, and we are a very young nation. A scam artist named Joseph Smith found out (several times) the hard way that a life of crime didn’t pay off. So he concocted the greatest scam of all…he built a religion! 

Musical break…Cake – Comfort Eagle

So sneaky old Joseph decided that God was speaking to him. I believe nowadays that’s called schizophrenia. “God” told him there were these awesome gold plates, and he needed to go find them. So he went and tried to dig them up, but unfortunately, he hadn’t followed the rules and they weren’t there the first 47 times. Finally, he unearthed the message of God. The only problem? The plates were written in code. So he got a special pebble that made him psychic, put it in a hat, inserted his face in the hat and translated the plates. From inside the hat. 

Seriously.

Joseph was pretty fucking slick. He even decided that God had said it was not only okay, but His will and the duty of all men who wanted to go to heaven to marry multiple women. New pussy all the time! The best part? It was usually 14-year-old pussy. I wonder how he convinced so many people to join up with the Mormons? Hard sell for those ugly middle-aged men that must have been. They had to give up their liquor, but they got to trade it for teenaged snatch.