You know you have messed up at some point when you are riding home on a 7 a.m. train, still drunk, and half asleep, and the girl you were with at the beginning of the night somehow ended up in bed with your best friend. You also know you have messed up when the following conversation takes place as you are leaving her place:
Me: So I guess I’ll see you then.
Girl: Things might have gone down differently if you weren’t so rude.
Me: Oh well… Good luck with (name withheld)
Girl: Oh go fuck yourself!
Me: (Walking out gate) See ya!
Girl: I’ll Facebook you…
Me: Don’t bother!
Girl: ASSHOLE! (muffled shouting)
Truth be told, I am not quite sure how I always manage to put my foot in my mouth. I just seem to have a knack for doing it. It can’t be taught.
An example of when the night began to turn sour:
Me: Oh hey, you’re here! Oh man you should have seen this girl a minute ago she was a messy fat bitch! She was so drunk… not… I mean not that there’s anything wrong with… I mean, I know you used to be a fat bitch… not a fat bitch… oh what I mean is you look really good NOW.
Why I do the things I do is beyond me. I think I am terrified of being a boring nice guy. Boring nice guys are, well, boring. I try to be witty and charming and cheeky, but when the Captain Morgan is flowing I just end up being a dick. My apologies to the female population. As for the best friend, not cool, but I guess all is fair in love and war.
Author: Jamie
Comments
cap’n makes it hap’n
Hahaha! ” mean I know you used to be a fat bitch…not a fat bitch …oh what I mean is you look really good NOW.”
Priceless. I have this problem all the time. Trying to be witty and charming is hard to do when dark liquor is involved.