I put up a Roommate Wanted ad on Craigslist for my house.

Below is the ad I posted:

ROOMMATE WANTED!!!

Hello! My name is John MacGregor and I am searching for a roommate to live in my nice two bedroom, one bathroom house. The house has centralized A/C, brand new wood floors and a huge yard for you to not use because I am planting tomatoes there and don’t want you fucking up my chances for winning this years contest. Here are a few pictures of the place; these should get your salivary glands tingling!

I trust from looking at the above picture, you now realize that I am only looking for very serious inquires only. And by “serious inquires” I mean “wealthy people”.

I am very easy-going and only have a few stipulations when moving into my place of shelter.

Seeing as this house only has one bathroom, I will need you to not be in there between the hours of:

When I’m in there- When I’m about to be in there.

I don’t think this is too much to ask, I just don’t want you warming my toilet seat all up before I go and experience #2.

If you are a man and have a razor, and you do not want me to use on my crotch region then that is really too bad, because razors are expensive and I will not shell out my hard earned dollars on them. If you are a woman and have a razor, but don’t use it on YOUR crotch region then expect your stay at my abode to be short lived.

You are also not allowed to use the bathroom on any and all Red Letter Holidays. If you ask me why, in your reply e-mail, I will assume you are a communist, and your e-mail address will be forwarded to my buddy up in Washington and you will be deported! [Yes this applies to US citizens.]

As far as the kitchen goes, if you are a man I trust you will not be doing any cooking, as my home will not be treated like the Bravo channel. I trust you will mostly be barbecuing manly foods like: steak, pork chops, severed heads, shotgun ammunition, etc…

If you are a woman, then I trust you will be doing most (all) of the cooking and will need to provide the house with any and all kitchen appliances you will need to cook meals.

[As a side note on what to bring, the only appliances I own are a hacksaw and a blender. If you feel you can make due with that then disregard last sentence.]

The kitchen does not have a clock in it, so if you plan on knowing the time, I suggest you bring a stop watch and/or an alarm clock, just in case you fall asleep in there waiting for your (my) pot pie to settle.

I am a very easy going and laid back son of a bitch, and expect you to be one too. I ask that you bathe regularly, and keep your hygiene in pristine condition. I will have nightly checks of your body to ensure you did a good job scrubbing behind your ears and in your belly button. (No exceptions).

I expect you to be well-read; this will assist you because you will be reading me bedtime stories tri-nightly. If I have a woman in the bedroom with me, the rule will still apply. Don’t think you’re getting off reading me The Giving Tree because I’m performing coitus to a woman.

My last roommate brought in a strain of Columbian Lice the size of spiders, and we had to put him to sleep (read: we shot that disgusting fuck in the mouth). This is why I have nightly inspections of your body to ensure you didn’t take a French shower. [French shower means you haven't showered and have eaten Escargo and garlic recently.]

It is almost unfortunate that we found out AFTER his death that he had a very extensive Columbian spider collection that somehow got loose one afternoon. But the good news is, that is a perfect segway to:

No pets.

This is non-negotiable. No woof woof, no meow meow. If you bring a pet onto the premises it will be killed. The same rule applies to: Mormons, Solicitors, Girl Scouts, and White dancers.

If you have any more questions, then I will assume you didn’t fully read the e-mail and will consider you of lower intelligence than I. Any e-mails with question marks in them will be automatically forwarded to my delete folder.

I look forward to reading all of your eager responses to this ad!

Sincerely, Your future roomie,

John MacGregor.

I have gotten several replies to my ad, but have since run into a conundrum: I can not, for the life of me, decide who to pick! You know, they’re all good, but it’s almost like they’re all TOO good. I wish I could take them all in and we could live together like they did in Beverly Hills 90210. (Wait, John… in 90210, they didn’t–)

So I have left it up to you people, I need help picking a roommate. I have copy and pasted the e-mails I’ve received verbatim and would like you to choose.

Here we go, don’t fuck this up for me; this is my life.

From: Ben Thompson.

To: John MacGregor

Dear John,

Hello, my name is Ben Thompson, and I came across your ad yesterday. I am very interested in your place. I have a very small, well groomed, very well behaved, German daughter who keeps to herself mostly. She likes to play, and run around in the yard, but we have since had to re-sod our lawn due to some pyrotechnics her and her friend have been partaking in.  She can be angry if agitated. Fortunately she is only agitated around small children and black people. I am not sure why, but I assume you sir are not a small children nor a black people, so this matter is now closed.

From time to time her and her friends will hold book club meetings in the living room. Last week they passed around a very superb book, Adolf Hitler’s: Mein Kempf. She is making me read it now, along with a few other pamphlets. What they are regarding I am not very sure, she just shouted at me and told me to ‘read pamphlet to promote master race’. I am not sure what race she is talking about, I am not aware of my daughter running in any sort of 10k anytime soon, but maybe I am mistaken. Mein Kampf is a pretty good book. I am at the part where they keep referring to Mr. Goebells’s “BIG LIE”. I am very curious/anxious to find out what the BIG LIE is and maybe if it has anything to do with Derek Jeter’s steroid use. But that is neither here nor there.

Anyway, Mr. MacGregor, I look forward to hearing from you regarding me and my German daughter coming to live in your residence. Please e-mail me back as soon as possible.

Sincerely, Mr. Ben Thompson.

P.S On a completely unrelated and totally off the wall subject. Are you aware of any websites that will allow someone to put a child up for adoption on without the child knowing?

____________________________________________________________________________________________

From: Katya Vanrussianasfuck.

To: John MacGregor

Hello.

Good morning Mr. John. I am Katya. I like do blowjob, since gag button no long there. I am from Russia, which may seem like big red flag, he he he, yes I make funny, but on serious side I must tell you that I may be travel all time due to job. As of recent, a man has place order for me be his bride on interwebs. I will stay with him for two week and get ring then will need place for Katya stay for permanent.

I will move in two weeks. No payment will be given, but I trust first sentence of e-mail will show I can bring lot to uh… how you say?… table? Yes. Blow job on table.

Very best.

K,

____________________________________________________________________________________________

From: Dusty “The Road Dogg” Burns

To: John Macgregor

Listen. My bitch of an ex wife got the house in the divorce, along with my blue-tick so I’m here lookin for some pile a’ bricks to put my shit in. I’m fuckin pissed ’bout losin the dog, but I guess the bitches have to stick together. Don’t you fuckin’ laugh at that joke neither; I don’t take kindly to laughter at my expense. My ex wife is a saint… that slut.

I don’t know what you are expecting from someone when replying to this, so let me tell you this much. I ain’t gonna let some fuckin dude order me to read him goodnight stories and other faggot shit like that. You want a story? I’ll slug you right in the fuckin’ jaw. The end… You keep your little sausage out of my buns and I’ll do the same thank you very much.

I liked the hacksaw part, I got one of thems too. I cook steak, brawts, and ‘taders, nothing more, nothing less and if you can supply me with some good eatins like that I’ll happily pig out on that shit. It beats the hell out of those goddamn tv dinners the former miss Burns used to burn the shit out of… that slut.

I guarantee you there will always be a 12 pack of natty ice in the fridge at all times, and at 6 bucks a case, I’ll be willing to share it with you. If you run out of your hard lemonade or whatever you soft fucks drink nowadays.

As far as all the gay bathroom rules go, I’m okay with it. I only shit at work and like all men, I piss outside. I’m growing my beard in protest to the newest Skynyrd record, which was complete bullshit corporate crap, so a razor won’t be an issue. Bein a good ol’ southern boy I can respect the Red Letter Holiday and I respect a fellow Patriot enforcin these rules when we got American hatin commi’s running around town in their tights, doin their gay parades, and their MTV and what not.

I travel lots, drivin the truck here and there, ya know. So I won’t be in the house very often. I got me one pair of overalls I wear when I’m not wearing my work overalls and while I’m gone it don’t mean to riffle though my shit and play dress up in the fuckin mirror, freak.

There is also a pretty fuckin good chance that a random female will make an appearance here and there in the morning, depending on how I do at the bar but I usually kick them bitches out after the deed is done. eh hehe… You know what I mean. But don’t go rootin’ around bein all nosy askin these girls their age, because it aint none of your business, nor the business of the feds. The legal age of consent in my hometown is: I don’t give two shits.

I am currently on parole for some bullshit drug charge that they got me for. But don’t get mistook by it, I was just holdin the meth for a guy and that toxology report was fucked up or something. I still may dabble in the needle from time to time whenever the bottle is empty, but I aint no tweaker. I work and I pay my bills on time, and that’s all you need to know about that.

You seem like you are trying to be a fuckin tough guy, and if you get in my face be sure that I’ll smack so hard shit’ll roll down your leg. But if you treat me like a good American should we won’t have a problem.

Dusty.  and yeah that is my god-given name smart-ass.

PS. Hell I aint even waitin for a reply, I’m comin down right now. Getcha shit ready for me!

Author: John MacGregor

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