Brought to you by: John MacGregor
I don’t really like posting things that I don’t make up on my own, but this news story was the funniest thing I’ve seen all year.
Chen Fuchao, a china man who is $290,000 in debt was standing, contemplating suicide on the edge of a bridge in southern China for hours. Now, first of all, a word to all you people who are planning to commit suicide, if you’re thinking about doing it for hours on end, chances are you’re probably not going to do it. Why?
Well, first you’re going to get up there and realize 26 feet is a pretty long way to fall. Second, you’re a big blubbering snatch who doesn’t have the balls to take your own life. All you’re really hunting for is attention from people. You want to feel wanted and needed in this world. And Chen Fuchao got attention, from the millions of people who were trying to drive over that bridge but couldn’t because authorities blocked it off due to some fucking zero who was too chicken-shit to take his own life in a suitable amount of time.
Police blocked off the bridge, and began trying to talk the man off the bridge.
“You have everything to live for!” “You don’t want to do this!”
I don’t know why these police lied to him, Chen Fuchao had NOTHING to live for. He had no money. Wait, he had LESS than no money. He had negative moneys. His family hated him, he probably didn’t have a wife, because no real women would marry such a pussy who stands on a bridge for hours crying out for help. Women want a man who takes charge, a man who hangs himself from the chandelier above the dining room table while the family eats dinner; a man who sets his car on fire and drives full speed off a cliff while blaring “Stroke Me” by Billy Squire.
However, the police were right about one thing, he DIDN’T want to do it. Anyone who contemplates suicide for more than 2 minutes is not planning on doing it. Furthermore, anyone who uses the words ‘contemplate’ and ‘suicide’ in the same sentence isn’t going to do it. You contemplate going to the mall, you contemplate painting your kitchen. But suicide… suicide is always done on a whim. Hunter S Thompson woke up one day and decided he was too old and didn’t want to live. So what did he do? He went to the kitchen, and blew his brains out with a shotgun. He is my hero, one of my favorite writers, this probably wouldn’t be the case if he had tried cutting his wrists, or putting a bag over his head. Thompson was a genius, and he went out with a bang, literally.
Back to Chen Fuchao. This guy had caused hours upon hours in traffic delays, he had no intentions of jumping. And then, seemingly from out of nowhere, a miracle came.
A miracle came in the form of Lai Jiansheng. Lai Jiansheng was sitting in his car, on his way to work, pissed off that this zero who didn’t have a job was wasting everyone’s time, got out, walked up to Fuchao, shook his hand, and pushed him off the bridge.
Soon after, women started throwing their underwear at him, some even broke the barriers and tried ripping his jeans off so they could fellate the greatest human being in history. Children started asking him for his autograph. Some men grew jealous that their wives crotch regions were soaking wet. Other men bowed down to him. One cop started to violently convulse on the ground, while others suffered minor injuries such as: nose bleeds, headaches, boners, and blurry vision.
China could not believe what they had just witnessed. Then Lai Jiensheng then stood on the bridge himself and saluted the lump of shit that was falling to his death.
Unfortunately, Chen Fuchao didn’t die. He landed on a semi inflated emergency air cushion and suffered spine and elbow injuries. It is speculated that Lai Jiensheng tried to jump down himself (knowing full well he would land on his feet) and beat Fuchao senseless until he died. But the cops arrested him for something pointless like, “attempted murder”, before he could try. Now, instead of dying like a gangster and doing a frog splash to his demise, Chen Fuchao is laying up in a hospital bed unable to blink, while his family comes in and spits on his fat worthless body.
So if you’re a high school girl, a gothic guy in need of attention from his father, or just a plain old regular zero who can’t handle the pressures that life brings upon them, call on Lai Jiensheng to help make your decision a little easier.
Suicide: You could probably try, but Lai Jiensheng will get the job done.
[ Pictures taken from: http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2009-05/23/content_7935489.htm]
[Article found from: http://news.aol.com/article/suicide-jumper-pushed/496337]
Author: John MacGregor
