Tag Archives: John MacGregor

From: [name redacted]
Date: January 17 2009 1:40 pm
Body: “hey, i dont think that we have ever spoken. im ****. youre john. im sorry for the fact that i have to take time and energy out of my life and waste it speaking to you john. its come to my attention that you have given me [...]

I put up a Roommate Wanted ad on Craigslist for my house.
Below is the ad I posted:
ROOMMATE WANTED!!!

Hello! My name is John MacGregor and I am searching for a roommate to live in my nice two bedroom, one bathroom house. The house has centralized A/C, brand new wood floors and a huge yard [...]

Ladies: Want to date a douche bag? Ready to jump into the dating pool of losers fit for a Halo convention?
Finally! The list of things you can do to avoid dating me, and other awesome guys out there.

1) Be boring.
-The boring girl, when asked what they enjoy doing for fun, says: Hanging out. They [...]

About 4 or 5 months back, Tiger Woods’ kicked it up a few notches and told everyone that not only was he the best golfer of ever, but he was bangin’ broads like it was Nineteen Ninety— Whatever year where a lot of broads were banged.

**It’s the Thuggish Ruggish Boooone…**
So, I get a call from [...]

I had the pleasure of sitting down and interviewing Lauren Conrad from The Hills. I would say, it was a huge success, and I got a lot of great information about the show, and about where Lauren Conrad is going to take her life after The Hills. Enjoy…. I know I did.
So Lauren [...]

Jobs are stupid.

Is it weird or fucked up that I actually enjoy listening to people who hate their jobs? Someone goes, “My boss sent out a memo giving us a list of websites we’re not allowed to go on during work hours… and Facebook is one of them!” I’m like, “Those sons a bitches! Let’s [...]

Read John’s vision of literary glory *here*.
Liv: Who would you… Fuck, Marry, Kill: Courtney Love, Madonna, Britney Spears
John: Kill: Courtney Love (sharing needles isn’t good in marriage nor intercourse)
Marry: Madonna (she’s got something like a trillion dollars, and I would definitely thump her on the skull right after she asked me to sign the prenup. [...]

When I was 11 years old, I wrote an episode of Friends. It… was… to say the least… amazing. I sent it in to NBC on my 11th birthday, and am still waiting to hear back from them. I check the mail everyday waiting for my plane ticket to LA to come in so I [...]

Written by: John MacGregor
Everybody. Stop whatever it is you’re doing right now.
Seriously. Stop.
Those of you who are familiar with me and my articles (all 11 of you), know that I am a guru at giving advice on how you can stop sucking so much ass. Those of you who are unfamiliar with me, will learn [...]

Allow me to enlighten you all. I know most (all) of you want to know how to do things. That’s pretty much why Google was invented. I’ve started this thread of blogs to give insight to both men and women out there on how to do certain things.
What you’re about to read will change your [...]

Well, as we expected, I ruined the interview with Jon Gosselin. And since that interview, Jon has been plastered all over every magazine that sits atop gum and candy, with his new girlfriend. Coincidence? I think not.
And, right next to that cover is a picture of Kate Gosselin yelling at her kids. Or those same [...]

Last Monday, or Friday, or Wednesday, I can’t remember, I got a call from my agent. He or she, I can’t remember, informed me that I needed to fly to Pennsylvania as soon as humanly possible to interview Jon and Kate Gosselin, the stars of the hit TV show Jon and Kate Plus 8.
“I’ve never [...]

**Warning, not intended for anyone who isn’t ready for the truth. Also not intended for pregnant women, or people wearing defibrillators. If your erection, which you will develop shortly after reading this post, lasts for more than 4 hours, call a doctor… preferably a chick.**

Ladies: What men REALLY talk about when you’re not around.
Owned by: [...]

A lot (all) women seem to be complaining about Men using Pick up Lines on them, ad fucking nauseum in fact. This is completely infuriating; mainly because women complain… A LOT. And women tend to make no sense when they are complaining (Or: arguing. Or: doing the dishes.)
“It’s too hot.”
“My boss yelled at me today.”
“Why [...]

Brought to you by: John MacGregor
I don’t really like posting things that I don’t make up on my own, but this news story was the funniest thing I’ve seen all year.
Chen Fuchao, a china man who is $290,000 in debt was standing, contemplating suicide on the edge of a bridge in southern China for [...]

If you’re poor, don’t go on vacation.
-John MacGregor

Not only do you embarrass yourself when you roll into a restaurant and just order water, and eat the free chips they supply, but you embarrass me when we almost get arrested because you were caught in the back of a club stealing bottles of alcohol.
It’s hard not [...]

“Dude, are you going to see The Watchmen?”
I heard that from everyone the entire two weeks before The Watchmen was supposed to release in theatres. My answer was always a variation of:
“Fuck no.”
“Hell no.”
“No. Not ever.”
“I’ll be busy listening to Nelly’s debut album: Country Grammar.”
I had absolutely no desire to see The Watchmen. Not even [...]

I have a giant list of things that piss me off; seriously, GIANT. It runs the gamut from famous people like, Drew Carey and Channing Tatum.

To normal everyday douche bags like: J-Walkers and homeless people who don’t have a skill, yet still beg for money (Aside: being a crack addict and filthy, isn’t a skill; [...]

No one gives a shit about your Google phone.
If you can’t stop talking about your new “apps” on your Google phone, then you need to stand front and center so I can rearrange your teeth. I’m tired of hearing people talk about the Google phone like it’s the best thing ever invented since Alternating Current. [...]

Today, I went to a Chinese buffet for lunch with my friend, Eric. When the bill came, I asked him what he was going to leave as a tip.
Eric: I’m gonna write ‘CASH’ in the tip line… but not leave any money.
Now, normally this would be a semi dick move, but it was a Chinese [...]

We, as humans, have certain rules… regulations, that map out for us what is right, and what is wrong. Certain situations that occur, you can immediately tell if you’re doing a good thing, or other times you know you’re doing a no-no when you can’t stop thinking “I hope my parents don’t find out about [...]

As you all (none of you) may know, I am my biggest fan. I read everything I write, over and over again, commenting to myself at how awesome it is.
“John, if your flexibility wasn’t that of Frankenstein’s I would blow you. You’re the epitome of everything that is wonderful.” I say that to myself sometimes. [...]

I’ve been saying for years, I want to see a shrink, just for like a week. I don’t have anything wrong with me… I don’t think. But it would be nice to ramble on to someone about nothing, and have them listen and perhaps tell me everything is going to be alright. Or tell me [...]

I LOVE Subway… sometimes.
Ask anyone that has ever met me, I am a complete Subway fanatic. I stay up-to-date with their menu, prices, and latest offerings. Although I don’t agree with that asshole, Jared, and his bullshit about how he lost his weight, I do agree with him that eating subway 3 times a day [...]

Got a problem?
Bad Credit?
No Credit?
Mortgage payment too high?
Can’t find your car keys?
Stomach Ache?
Mom hounding to clean your room?
Gaining weight?
Clogged toilet?
Itchy eyes?
Swallow your gum?
Pen run out of ink?
Nothing good on TV?
Your favorite person get voted off The Bachelor?
No clean underwear?
Too lazy to get off your space wasting ass and apply for a job?
John MacGregor says: Blame [...]