The following is a list of what I believe to be the 10 WORST inventions ever! I know that there are horrifying inventions out there such as the atomic bomb, guns, and Rocky 6, but this is a list of the weirdest and most useless inventions. The kind of inventions that makes you want to slap old people. Now please keep in mind, no matter how hard that might be, that all of these items are real inventions. I did not make any of this up. So I hope you enjoy.

1) The Wooden Bike

That’s right…..a WOODEN bike! I would have loved to interview the inventor, however, he was paralyzed right after his bike hit a pebble. I think this would be a great invention if the world was made of pillows. I don’t even understand how the bike would grip the road.

2) The Noodle Splasher Protector

This terrific and fashionable invention protects a person from that oh so violent and dangerous noodle splash. This epidemic has been hurting way too many people….thank God there was someone smart enough to invent the noodle splash protector….ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! It doesn’t even protect your face…it just protects your hair…I’m so angry right now.

3) The Dog Car Carrier

HAHAHA…this is an actual clipping taken form a Popular Science Magazine in 1933. I think this is hilarious. You place your dog in a sack outside the car….I can’t even imagine how many dogs died in this invention.

4) The Pogo-copter

Believe it or not, but this invention is a pogo stick that has propellers attached to the top. Every time you bounce the propellers spin and you should be able to achieve some lift. This invention also come equipped with a fashionable carry case for your head once it gets cut off. Fun for the whole family.

5) The Battery operated Battery Charger

I just don’t get it…..why don’t you just place the batteries that you put in the recharger in the item that has run out of batteries. You are using a battery powered recharger to charge your other batteries…please help me understand.

6) The Portable Desk

Haven’t you ever been walking down the street and said to yourself, “damn I’m so bored walking…I wish I could be typing.” Well worry no longer, with the portable desk you can type and walk all day long. Granted you may lose all your friends and family members. This invention also secures the fact that you will never have sex with a human being ever again. Call now and we’ll throw in the creepy molester hat.

7) The Night Sweat Alarm

This invention will sound when it senses any sweat while you sleep. It does this so it can indicate to you that you are hot and you should probably remove a layer of blankets….I want to stab this inventor. I’m pretty sure I can physically tell when I’m too hot while I sleep. I don’t think I’ve ever woken up like, “My God why am I so hot…why am I covered in moisture…why hasn’t God given me the ability to tell when I’m hot…if only I could invent a wrist band that could warn me that I’m hot.” I need to punch something.

8 ) The Self Ass Kicking Machine

Now I don’t know about you but I have been wanting to kick myself in the ass for years, and now my waiting is over. With every crank of the handle I get a good old fashion ass kicking. A great gift for lazy abusive fathers or masochistic people.

9) Traveling Nose Blower

I have nothing to say…I’m too angry to write anything.

10) The Solar-powered Flashlight

Why God…Why! You use flashlights in the the dark….you sons of bitches. There is no light in a cave or a basement. I think the inventor of this should run backwards naked through a corn field. Damn you solar flashlight maker….damn you for ruining my day.

So I hope you enjoyed this wonderful journey down mentally challegened lane. I have to go and scream now.

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