I suspect that if women became privy to just how disgusting men REALLY are, we’d all voluntarily turn lesbo (except for the fact that women are pretty fucking rotten, too). You know that sweet bartender who looked you in the eye and seemed to genuinely care when he asked about your day? As soon as you walked away, he gave his friend a detailed depiction of just how hard he’d fuck you up the ass. Seriously.

Guys are hard-wired to deceive women in order to get into their pants. Recently overheard at a party:

“That hot Asian chick keeps blowing up my phone. I brought her here to fuck the other night and she would NOT shut UP. Seriously, why would that stupid bitch think we were on my bed to make conversation?”

Why, indeed. Allow me to shed some much-needed light for the fellas.

If you take the time to feign interest in what a girl is saying, she’s going to keep talking… and talking. You have it in your head that you need to make conversation in order to get laid. Meanwhile, a woman believes that if you’re making conversation, you actually care about getting to know her as a person. We’re silly like that.

The irony about this ridiculous little dance is that both people usually end up dissatisfied with the results. However, anyone who has ever had the balls to use the Direct Approach will vouch: it works.

If you see an attractive chick in a bar or club setting, don’t waste your time and money on buying her a drink, but do know this: either she’s out to get laid (just like you!) OR she has a knack for looking for love in all the wrong places. The beauty of using the Direct Approach is that you will find out in an instant whether she is of the former or the latter persuasion.

Flow Chart:

Guy: You’re pretty much the most gorgeous woman in the room.

Girl: Thanks!

Guy: Are you single?

(If she’s NOT single, the convo ends here. Excuse yourself. Otherwise…)

Girl: Yes.

Guy: Me too. The last thing I want is to get tied down. I’m young, I want to have my fun while I still can.

(If she’s looking for love in all the wrong places, she gives you a weird look and the convo ends here. Otherwise…)

Girl: I know exactly what you mean.

Guy: So you wanna get out of here?

(If you’re gross and she has no desire to interact with your penis, she makes up some bullshit about how she’s here with her friend and needs to stay. Otherwise…)

Girl: Hell yeah.

Bada-bing. Sure, you still had to initiate a little chit-chat, but it took all of, what – two minutes?

Make out with her on the way home – if you’re driving, red lights at intersections will suffice. This leaves little room for unnecessary small talk while simultaneously building sexual anticipation. If words ARE exchanged, tell her how hot she is (hopefully, it’s the truth).

Back at your place, don’t give her “the tour”, don’t ask her if she wants a glass of water, and don’t waste too much time getting to the part where clothing is removed. If you’re both there solely for sex, don’t further cheapen the experience by pretending to make it about other things just so you don’t look like an asshole. She already knows you are, which is why she agreed to come home with you in the first place. If she thought you were boyfriend material, she wouldn’t allow herself to be treated as nothing more than a piece of ass. But, then again, many women do. No matter! Let her and her therapist figure that one out together.

After sex, offer to call her a cab. Don’t exchange phone numbers. Maybe she wants to do it again sometime, but if you give her your number, she will take that to mean that you do, too. Why lead her on if you’re simply going to complain to all your friends and refer to her as a “stupid bitch” every time she calls to find out what you’re up to?

If there’s one thing women respond to, it’s honesty. We might not like it, but damn, do we respect it. So next time you feel like tip-toeing around your main agenda and confusing the shit out of dem ho’s, shut your OWN mouth and stop playing the worn-out games that you claim to hate.

*To find out who you should NOT have sex with, click * here *.

[Originally published June 22, 2009]

• Kiss & Tell