Over the weekend I traveled home to the land of corn and cows, Nebraska. I usually enjoy my short trips home, as long as that’s what they are…short. What I don’t like is the long, annoying flight that takes me on my short, enjoyable trips. These were no exception to my hard and fast travel hating rule.
Missing an 8:00AM flight after taking the devils backbone (otherwise known as the 405) to hell’s asshole (LAX) is not usually how I like to spend a morning. I prefer a croissanwich.
Upon arriving late, Delta explained that they would be screwing me sideways twice this morning. First by charging me an extra bazillion dollars to change my flight then by making me wait another kazillion hours in hell’s asshole (ruining any chance I may have had to get home in time for my Dad’s birthday that also fell on this weekend.) This also meant lunch was going to be a 4$ bottle of water and a 10$ tuna sandwich.
It tasted over-priced.
Once on the plane I realized I was sitting bitch between two of my favorite airline personalities: Gonna give you bird flu if it kills me cough guy and I think it’s socially acceptable to take of my shoes in a confined area gal.
You too may have run into these flight friends or others like them, such as….. Makes too big of a production to look over my shoulder out the window dude, Over reacts to any sound or movement the plane makes lady or my personal favorite, We think it’s OK to travel with a baby couple.
(Note: I hate your kids…mine will be fucking super heroes.)
I was also delighted to find that the huge pile of disease coughing on my shoulder was not only killing me slowly but…he wanted to talk.
“Yes sir, I am an actress…”
“No sir, you wouldn’t recognize me from anything…”
“That’s very kind of you to make such an inappropriate, uncomfortable comment about how long my legs are…(polite laugh)” stab me in the eye.
The only thing that could save me from 4 hours of blossoming love between myself and pit-stains was the in-flight movie.
After buying $5 headsets, that I will never use again, an antique screen lowered from the ceiling one row ahead of me with huge black letters that said AEON FLUX. Not impressed with the in-flight movie I opted for an inflight coma. It was also decided that I would awkwardly jerk in and out of this coma and act like I knew what Charlize Theron was saving us from in the future.
Apparently the future includes slutty patent leather unitards, bad techno music and unnecessary acrobatics (this, by the way, will be the name of my band when I get one).
After the movie I had another hour to pretend like I was asleep, thankfully keeping smellie’s interesting conversation at bay. On the ground we taxied for about a month and ended at our terminal. I gathered my regulation size carry-on and proceeded to the second leg of my journey. Unfortunately this flight blew just as hard and I arrived in Lincoln late.
The weekend was very busy and tiring and went by too fast, like it always does.
Currently I am on my connecting flight from Ohio to LA. I caught a break on my last flight when I was seated next to the only passenger I almost like, quiet guy. Quiet guy has no luggage, no questions and no problem with me.
Right now I must get back to my movie, Chronicles of Narnia. I haven’t seen it yet and Mr. Tumnus looks like he has something important to say.

Here’s to a safe flight and a drink when I get home.
All’s well that ends with vodka.